Well, if it’s a deal breaker, the sooner the better. That way they can both move on and find people who will be better fits.
When I realized that The Idiot Boyfriend was an idiot, my first thought was “oh man, I’m SO glad we are not married!” Saved me a divorce 
This was kind of my situation, except I’m male.
She wanted four kids. I wasn’t sure about any kids. We argued–she wanted at least four kids. I still wasn’t sure. Maybe one or two kids. But that wasn’t on the table with her; it was four or more, or nothing.
It was a deal-breaker. I eventually told her it was over. I was not going to be a baby-daddy to children I wasn’t even sure I wanted in the first place. I got called every name in the book, I got stuff thrown at me, and I got the hell out of there, still single and childless. Thankfully.
The important point: if you’re not sure, or if you want a couple of kids (just not four of them), then this man is not the one for you. You should be able to find somebody else who understands your wants and wishes in that regard.
I see one possible compromise here, which is that you agree that you will adopt ONE child and your partner agrees to shouldering more than 50% of the child-care burden of the early years.
Otherwise, it’s hard to see how this relationship is going to work.
FWIW, my attitude toward kids was a lot like yours. I am extremely introverted and was an only child, so am accustomed to generous amounts of time to myself. I married a man who was ambivalent about having kids and basically felt that he could be happy with 0 or 1. (The one thing he wouldn’t do was adopt - which I disagreed with, since I’m adopted myself, but never mind.) For reasons unrelated to the ticking of my biological clock, we decided to have one kid when I was 39 and he was 41.
It worked out fine - the sleep and privacy deprivation issues are real, but (a) very temporary; and (b) not as bad as you think, since love for your child is a very powerful force. I am amazed at and grateful for the experience of parenting, and wouldn’t have my life any other way. But I also know that if we had not had children, I’d be equally happy and probably shuddering at the thought of kids.
Thank you everyone for your input! You’ve given me a lot of good advice and things to think about.
@Rhiannon8404 Yes, I have told him everything I explained here.
I’ll continue to evaluate what I want for my life, and be open and honest with my bf as I gain new insights. I’d like for us to come to a decision together.
If you don’t know if you want them, proceed like you don’t want them. Kids do not come with a return policy. Mine are sixteen and seventeen so I’ve checked that out a few times over the past couple of years.
You don’t have kids because “I want kids” - that’s selfish. The truth is you have kids because “I want to be a parent” that’s selfless. And that is what the rest of your life becomes when you have kids - there are years where you have no time for yourself - a twenty minute bath with a book is a luxury. You have no money for yourself - its shoes for the kids and yours will hold out another year - you aren’t outgrowing yours at the rate of one pair every three months (no exaggeration - four shoe sizes in a year when my son was in middle school).
And those adorable babies you imagine having when you are thinking about it…they keep you up all night. Then they turn into toddlers who have tantrums and won’t go to sleep. Then they turn into preschoolers who refuse to potty train. Elementary school kids who can’t control their emotions. Middle school kids who get caught with weed. High school kids who have dramatic breakups with their significant others - every three months. Young adults who barely see you except when they need a loan.
Not wanting kids through your reproductive years, then waking up one day as a 50 year old and realizing that you don’t have a purpose beyond yourself would be terrifying to me. Not only have I brought 1 beautiful life into the world (working on a second!), but I also know that if I do my job well, I’ll always have a purpose. Whether it’s being a good parent, or a good grandparent, I know that I’ll always have family.
My extended family is small, pretty broken, and spread all over the continent. Without my little family unit, I would be quite very alone except for friends.
Oh and: If you change your mind and decide that you do want kids, my advice would be to do it sooner rather than later. My father is pushing 70 and has a 21 year old at home. No thanks!
I could have written your post (albeit from the male perspective) 25 years ago. Now, 25 years later with two kids, both still living at home, I’m still (mostly) sane. That need for sleep and alone time thing goes away pretty quickly. I’m not saying that you should have kids, with this boyfriend or another, but if you do, you’ll probably do fine.
Oh, and double plus one to the previous post.
IMHO, there’s a huge deal-breaker difference between kids and no kids.
But on the other hand, if, before having any, one parent thinks they want one or two, and the other thinks they want four, that’s both likely to change after the first one and is probably negotiable (assuming good-faith negotiation on both parts). That’s assuming general attitudes towards parenting and who does what are already shared. But not having that kind of compatibility is just a general relationship deal-breaker anyway.
(bolded mine) I’m going to strongly disagree with this. Parenthood was, on the whole, not a good time for me. Of course I love my kid, but the constant physical and emotional demands are draining for an introvert. I underestimated just how much, and I think the party line of “oh, it’s different once it’s your own!” is dangerous and deceptive. Know yourself. Trust yourself.
Its different when its your kid. My wife was the same way but its different with our kid. Everyone else’s kid is a pain in her ass and our kid is a pain in everyone else’s ass but our kid is pretty close to perfect in her eyes. She didn’t want kids either but had one almost out of a sense of duty. She couldn’t be happier.
The fertility rate in the developed world is not too high and having one kid is a replacement rate of 50%.
People are very adaptable, this includes you. My wife is also very introverted, she really needs her alone time to regenerate her batteries. Her mommy time with our kid seems to be just as good as being alone for her. This may not be the case with you but its not uncommon.
Yeah, your boyfriend is not going to have a lot of say. Tell him how many you want (and things may change) and he can decide if he can live with that or not. I wanted a lot of kids too but like I said, my wife is introverted but having that close relationship with her kid works pretty well with her introversion. Having to ride herd on two kids would shatter that dynamic.
If you are only going to have one kid, you can wait. I wouldn’t want to wait much past my mid 30’s but you have time.
If you are on the fence in your mid twenties, I’m going to guess that you are going to at least be open to having a child at some point in your life.
One of the thing that triggers that biological clock is when your siblings and friends start having kids.
How close to marriage are you guys?
To the OP, you do realize kids will only be one part of your life. You will probably live to be 90 and the “raising kids” part will only be about 20 years of that. The nasty diaper stage is maybe 2 years. Teenage stage is 4-6 years. Some of which will yes be hard but others will be good. It’s life you know! Remember back in high school and how you thought that was going to last forever?
What do you expect everything to be easy in life and be centered on yourself?
I really wouldnt worry about it. You dont have to be a kid person to be a decent parent.
Yeah, also an introvert - the alone time thing for me didn’t get sufficient until they were teens. The sleep thing came back with a vengeance when we had teens that were out late. I don’t necessary sleep well when they are out, the mommy instinct is still there.
I love my kids dearly, but I wouldn’t have them again. They have taken, and continue to take, too much of me.
It will also be vary depending on the kid, and which kid you’ll get is the biggest lottery ever. One kid wants nothing but the plainest meals, one is allergic to capsaicins, one would eat the saltshaker if you don’t take it away, one finds white rice “boring” and another wants it stuck solid. Those are all real kids I helped raise and who would often be seated around the same table (the two Bros and three of our cousins, who are siblings).
I’m very glad that “my kids” all turned out pretty nicely given the starting materials and the limitations of the process, but I already contributed.
When I met my wife she only wanted to adopt based on some of the things you have mentioned. I had only requested we have one our own first. My wife is 6 years younger. Once married we had our first child at her being 30. She over the 5 years and no longer wanted to adopt. We had one more child both kids were under care of a home sitter at her house. Day care sucks. My wife is a school phycolgist so she works with troubled kids all day long. All I can say is our kids have been work and not cheap but we have talked and would do it again. We ended up with 2 great sons.
:eek:
Had a response written out to this but couldn’t keep it out of Pit territory.
Yes? Maybe? I started telling guys I was not into kids in my late 20s and it did bring my dating game to a screeching halt within a few years. But I’d rather be single and loving it than 37 and divorced because my husband really wanted to have kids and found someone better to do it with.
Just like there’s “relatively few men” who don’t want kids, there’s “relatively few women” who don’t want them either. We can all be honest about it and find each other, instead of people getting in to situations they didn’t mean to be in just to appease someone else.
That’s how I feel about some of your previous remarks.
Seriously? The idea that someone who has experienced (and still does, I guess) parenting and has decided that on balance they didn’t enjoy it causes such a visceral reaction in you?
What, are you shocked that your blanket advice turns out not to be good for everyone? Or just shocked that someone admits they wouldn’t do it again. I love my kids. I really wanted kids - we went through years of fertility treatment and adopted one of them. I’ve been a good mom. I’ve sacrificed a lot. But I don’t think I’d do it again. In addition to them taking a lot out of me (I have some significant mental health issues), I also don’t think the world is a great place for kids. I sit around (significant mental health issues) worried about the effect of global warming on my kids.
I see my daughter (she is the biological one) getting the genetic inheritance I got - anxiety and depression. And wondering why I burdened her with that - because it SUCKS to be so depressed you think you would be better off dead.