Will my Biological Clock tick? Want Kids?

In My Humble Opinion
41

Generally speaking, I agree with everyone who has said you should probably break this off. Sorry, I know you probably don’t want to hear that but there ya’ go.

That being said… I got married to a woman who was emphatic from the beginning of our relationship that she did not want kids. I, on the other hand, did not have strong feelings either way. I never felt a strong feeling that I must have children or my life would be incomplete. But I did have moments where I’d get sentimental about having a son or daughter. All I could promise her was that I was not ready to say with 100% conviction that I do not want kids but that if she did not want them then I would and could respect her decision. I never brought the subject up, never put any pressure on her about changing her mind, etc. after promising to respect her decision.

Fast forward to our honeymoon several years later when she rolled over in bed and asked me “Maybe one?”. :eek:

We discussed it over the next 6 months or so before both agreeing to give it a try. If it happened, it was meant to be. If not, then it was not meant to be. Our daughter is not just over a year old and neither of us have any regrets. :smiley:

Obviously our situation was different. Like you, my wife was adamant about not having kids. Unlike your boyfriend, I was not adamant about having kids. I think that difference may (or may not) be a bridge too far.

42

Whether or not you want children is a pretty big deal. It is one of the fundamental things that you should agree on before you decide to marry anyone. You can’t have children halfway, so compromise really doesn’t work here. If you are both adamant on your positions, this is NOT the right man for you. You should put it right out on the table and make that decision before you get any deeper into the relationship.

That being said, if you’d asked me at 18 if I wanted kids, I’d have said “no way”. I was an only child and wasn’t around children much and thus had no real interest in them. However, once I got a little older, my friends were having children and I got to spend some time with them and learned that I actually did like kids and would want to have some of my own.

My younger son is going through something similar right now. He’s been dating the same girl for three years and is deeply committed to her. But he has hesitated repeatedly to ask her to marry him because she is incapable of having children and he wants them. She is amenable to adopting, so they may eventually be able to work this out, but I still wonder if it won’t destroy their relationship at some point.

This is a tough thing to go through and I wish you the very best of luck in making your decision.

43

My husband started off wanting four kids. Then once the first was born, reality hit and we decided two was plenty. Her bf might change his mind too.

44

You can usually only have kids one at a time. I wanted four kids and my wife wanted two.

We had one and we stopped.

45

And if he doesn’t?

I gave up on the third baby that I so dearly wanted - the “compromise” between two and three is one person not getting what they want at all - and have spent several years struggling with the resentment and disappointment. I did agree to it because it was the logical choice for our situation but that didn’t make me feel OK with it. Now, five years later, I’m finally feeling like I’ve made my peace with it, but it did negatively affect our relationship for a time.

46

Well, I’m sure you’d agree that she shouldn’t be dishonest about her ambivalence, just to keep hold of him.

47

I guess the question is if you feel like it was a mistake to marry your husband, then? It seems to me that so many people change their minds–in both directions–about exactly how many children they want, and there are so many unpredictable circumstances that will have an impact (how much money you end up making, if a child early on has special needs, how difficult pregnancy is, etc. etc.)–that it seems like it would be tragic and misguided to leave someone who was a good, strong match in every way except one person thought the probably wanted 4 kids and the other thought they probably wanted one or two.

It’s one thing to marry someone who is sure they don’t want kids if you are sure you do. But I think it’s a reasonable risk to have different ideas about the final tally. So much can change.

48

We got to the point where we separated. It wasn’t the only issue we had at the time, but it greatly exacerbated the rest of what we were dealing with. We got past it, we got back together, and I got more chilled out about it as the window of opportunity closed, but yeah… If he’d been open about only wanting 2 children from the start when we discussed it, I probably would have moved on.

49

This is excellent advice.

50

You don’t want kids, probably never will. And that means, no matter how wonderful a person you may be, a man who wants kids would be a fool to marry you.

This isn’t a small matter you could compromise over. This is a deal breaker.

51

Not wanting kids is one thing. Having living, breathing kids and wishing they never existed sounds like a symptom of your mental health issues. Best wishes that it gets better for you.

52

She hasn’t said she wishes they didn’t exist. What she’s said is that she wouldn’t put herself through that particular grinder again.

I don’t wish Calculus didn’t exist but I don’t ever want to take another Calculus class. Different things.

53

Thank you for the compliment.

54

So are the only choices possible are someone is either glad they chose to be a parent, or they are mentally ill? I could see that someone could love their kids, but they don’t love a lot of what parenthood involves, and they imagine an alternate universe in which they didn’t have kids and were happier. That doesn’t make them terrible people or mentally ill, and I’m guessing there are more people like that out there who just don’t say anything since they’re afraid of being accused of being terrible.

55

On a semi-related note, today is my son’s second birthday! :slight_smile: He started his day by noticing his birthday cupcakes and asking for a bite, then luring me into spending some time playing with him before my shower with promises of a smooch (which are always withdrawn once I’m within about 5 feet of him). Little manipulator! I love every moment with the little bug.

56

The mental illness diagnosis was hers, not mine. I don’t know her well enough to make a highly personal claim like that.

57

I’m curious about your motivation for this post. Do you think that anyone who expresses anything less than over-the-top glee about parenting doesn’t have those moments or share a similar joy in their child/children?

58

So there is a significant difference between you and I. I’ve been doing this for seventeen years. I’m also guessing you are male - and if so - statistically even if you try your best to co parent, your wife takes on the majority of the child rearing activities.

For me that’s involved working full time. Going to school part time for part of it, raising two children within thirteen months of each other, dealing with my sister’s cancer, my brother in law’s death from cancer, my other sisters substance abuse, my daughters diagnoses, my son’s diagnoses, aging parents, aging in laws and my own health. For parts of this my husband would spend weeks in China for his job.

Boy are they cute when they are two. Boy is it a pain in the back end when the fifteen year old sneaks out after curfew and your husband hasn’t been home in a month except for a weekend or two and your daughter is failing a class because the work is done, but not turned in - and you have a major release at work so you are putting in ten hour days.

I don’t wish they’d never existed, but I don’t know that if I were to do it over again I’d have kids - maybe when they are launched and the teenage years are like the memory of labor I’ll feel differently. And I certainly would never tell anyone on the fence that they’ll change their mind, or that its different when they are yours (it is - for good and for bad), or that kids are fulfilling and worth it. Because boy would it suck to be raised by a mother who was only talked into having you in the first place and regrets it. I don’t regret it.

The OP sounds a lot like me. She already has mental health challenges - that appear to be genetically linked. She has decided she wants a career - and she isn’t sure if she wants kids (I knew I did and went out of my way to get them). If her biological clock DOES go off, she should think about hitting the snooze.

59

Maybe you should start a thread in MPSIMS:rolleyes:

60

I prefer kittens.