Oh drat!My link was messed up. Try Here for the Ass-ist (scroll down a bit)
Nobody has really mentioned “the look”. Right after I shit, in order to preserve the evidence in it’s second-most natural state, I lean forward lifting my right leg(on the big toe) and glance at the shit to make sure I have not produced an anomoly.
Once in a while I see last night’s corn(If it goes out the same way, why the hell do I waste the money), or the shit comes out in a Play Dough Pasta Maker type fashion, the extra long uncut edition. This way I can monitor my health the way they did in the time of Jesus. I feel close to the Lord at these times.
When wiping, I grab roughly two feet of toilet paper then fold it over my right knee until it is one square by one square, with six or eight sheets(16-plys) inbetween by bung hole and my hand.
After I shit, I unconsciously keep my ass cheeks separated at all costs. I have learned over the past 13,667 shits to let the phone ring or let them wait at the door. Nothing is worse than wiping after running down and up two flights of stairs, especially if you originally had a 3+ wiping job on your hands.
Now to address all wou wierdos that wipe through your legs; If your a girl it’s ok(if your peeing), but if you are a guy you are wierd. I tried it just to satisfy a curiosity; I couldn’t even reach my asshole let alone wipe it, not without lifting my leg three feet in the air.
You are in my prayers.
I presume your ass is not hairy. Imagine this: Serious shit, asshole completely smeared. You wipe and wipe and wipe, and finally the paper comes out clean (BTW: good reason for standing - I can check the paper for cleanliness.) After all the wiping, you have removed all of the stuff EXCEPT for what is hiding behind the hairy mat around the bunghole. Not really a problem, unless it is a hot day. Now your ass starts to sweat. The sweat runs through the hairy mat and takes dissolved nasty stuff with it. Presto! Instant skid marks.
I wipe in standing. Well, more or less a half crouch - the poop chute stays over the toilet. This also spreads the cheeks enough for adequate access.
Wipe whilst sitting? Good Lord, what pervos!
Mort Furd:
What are you talking about? I sit, and I also proofread. As do we all:
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Put paper in hand.
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Lean forward, wipe.
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Proofread.
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Lean forward, drop package in bowl.
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Repeat as required.
I don’t want to see this go to GD, but you standers, in addition to doing it the wrong way, are too militant and belligerant in your folly.
This could revolutionize the personal ads!
SWM,29,Stn,RH,B->F,Crum.Look, seeks similar SF for long-term relationship, poss. marriage. No bidets.
–sublight.
Male; sitting; from behind; downward… Wow, this is starting to sound like a dirty version of Clue! You think we can market this?
Actually, if I haven’t already told you more than you ever wanted to hear, the first wipe is downward with my thumb, but subsequent wipes are upward with my middle finger doing most of the work and my index and ring finger covering the cheeks.
Female, sitter, from the front. However, you people have taken what little dignity I started with. See, I read the thread, and thought I should try the other options before asserting that my way was the best.
So Mr. Seawitch comes home from work early, and finds me experimenting. Please note that for the purposes of the test, I was… um… firing blanks. I tried sitting with one foot up, crouching, standing, from behind, from in front, the hover technique, a partial hover followed by a foot lift; hell, I did everything except skip naked through the house whistling “Dixie”. (Because I don’t know how to whistle, that’s why not.)
He has been laughing for two full days. Sublight, I blame you for this.
I will usally start out sitting from between, then…
Warning this might be too much of a shock for those who can’t fathem wiping while standing!!!
scroll at your own risk…
5
4
3
2
1
Stand up and turn around to face the bowl while I finish up from behind :eek: :eek: :eek:
Male.
Neither.
I wipe my ass while lying down.
I thought everyone did.
That’s it precisely for me. Why, I don’t know. But I feel that I can get myself cleaner by doing it this way.
YMMV
I lean to the side, resting on my left cheek, then use my right hand to wipe, using an approach somewhere between from the right and from behind.
I’m beginning to think that this is not the best method, as the toilet seat in my last apartment had the right hinge (the non-leaning hinge) break, perhaps after excess stress from my lateral approach. I am not overweight (6’0", 170 lbs), so it may have been due to the leaning wipe.
I will report again after further investigation.
By the way, I said “last apartment” because I moved out shortly after the seat broke. No, I didn’t move because of the broken seat, I moved because of the mushrooms growing out of the bathroom wall.
Male. Wipe while sitting, reaching from behind.
Well, like FNRFR, I lean, so I’m really coming from the back right.
I highly recommend The Lean. It gives one better access, provides more clearance from the water, AND makes it easier to ‘proofread’. And while wiping, or just before, you can take a glance and see if you’re getting enough iron in your diet.
P.S. Am I the only person that actually chews corn? Sheesh!
Someone got banned for bringing this up recently but, it’s a just reason.
Stander advocate here.
I don’t know if it was my anal retentive mother that’s got something to do with this or not but, once the “payload” has been delivered, I stand (fully upright) turn around and inspect my bounty. Ya have to!!! Then, two to three dry wipes with crumpled paper. Then two wet wipes with a flushable baby wipe.
What I don’t understand is, how do the sitters inspected their bounty? You can’t really get a good feel for it looking between your legs and it’s too dark. AND, if you’re a sitter and you do a reach-around wipe, you check the paper, then drop in (where, between your legs or in the back?) either way, now you’ve got a floating mess obscuring your view for bounty inspection.
I don’t get it.
About the last couple of drops…
Isn’t that what underwear is for anyway? Or else, we don’t need them right?
I always get a laugh when the subject of washing your hands after peeing comes up. My sister would ask agast,
“You mean you didn’t wash your hands after peeing”.
“No, why should I? I didn’t get any pee on my hands.”
“Yea but, you touched your penis”.
“Think about it, I take a shower and put on clean underwear, then clothes. That little guy is nicely protected and, I dare say, the cleanest part of my body. Certainly cleaner than just washed hands touching a bathroom door knob”.
“Ew, don’t touch me.”
It would have been better if you had just created a new thread in MPSIMS and linked to this one.
Lockdown.