Good, Fast, and Cheap. You get to pick only two.
Me to my son, when teaching him to drive: “I had the right of way” is not what you want on your tombstone.
My stepfather: Never play poker with scared money.
Me to my oldest son, who was contemplating either the military or college: Stay uninformed and you’ll stay uniformed.
My mother: Stop whining and go find something to do. If you’re bored, read a book.
From my mother:
“Don’t be upset about the fact that other people believe in so much silliness, stupidity, superstition, myths, and self-deception. If you truly analyzed yourself, you would realize that many of your own beliefs fall under those categories. You were not put on this earth to correct everyone else’s failings.”
I’ve posted this before but it’s always worth repeating.
" NEVER call her a bitch."
From my best friend on my wedding day.
From my father: “This, too, shall pass.”
From my mother: “Everything happens for the best. Your job is to find it.”
From my mother about marital arguments: “You can be right or you can be happy. But not both.”
From my boss about being a boss: “Never ask anybody to do something you wouldn’t be willing to do yourself.”
From me to my son: “In the business world, everything takes longer than you think it will.”
Both from my father. I have no idea if he was quoting, but I’ve not seen either elsewhere:
“It’s not hard to appear smart - the competition isn’t stiff.”
“If you want to pay less taxes, make less money.”
“Just because we don’t know what we’re doing, doesn’t mean we can’t fix it.”
–from a friend and coworker (we were working IT and asked to work on a piece of equipment we hadn’t seen before; I had argued that we shouldn’t accept the assignment).
From a boss: “Together we can move mountains. Bring a shovel.”
And…
Me (contemplating going back to school): “But if I do go, I’ll be 51 by the time I graduate!”
Friend: “And how old will you be if you don’t go?”
mmm
“Money isn’t everything. But it sure helps.” – Manger at pizza place I worked at when I was in college.
“1) All women are crazy. 2) Some are crazier than others.” – Buddy of mine
“There is no shortage of work. There is only a shortage of commitment.” – Previous supervisor
“Either you control the alcohol, or the alcohol will control you.” – My mother
From my grandmother-
Beauty’s only skin deep, but ugly’s to the bone.
From the internet:
Always remember that you are an individual- just like everybody else.
From the best bumper sticker I ever saw-
Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.
Some life stages advice:
-An ex-girlfriend was told to double-major in something you love and something you can be happy doing for a living. Goddamn I wish someone had given me that advice.
-When we planned our wedding, someone told us to think of three things we’d like our wedding to be remembered for (e.g., tasty food, pretty location, fun dancing). Work to make those three things memorable, and then for everything else, work just barely hard enough to make them not memorable.
-Before our first daughter was born, someone told us, “Babies are tough little critters. You can’t hardly kill 'em.”
“Easter time is the time for eggs. The time for eggs is Easter time.”
Always take a paddle.
Keep a $100 bill in your rat hole.
There is no such thing as a fair fight.
The best way to fight is from behind with a pair of .45’s.
It takes at least 5 years to build a reputation. It takes about 5 minutes to ruin it.
When you are flying, only take flying stuff with you
Fly like the plane was designed. Never ask it to do something it was not designed to do.
If you have more than one kid, you are your own best charity.
The way I say this one:
“If you are not in a hole, don’t start digging.
If you are in a hole, stop digging.
If you come to a hole, go around.”
First from my Dad but later from other places also:
Three most useless things in aviation:
Altitude above you.
Runway behind you.
Gasoline on the ground.
From Mr. Ko:
There’s no bigger waste of time than arguing with strangers on the internet. 
I always wondered why everyone hated me. Knowing doesn’t make it any better.
Here’s some:
Never draw to an inside straight.
Never argue with an idiot, those listening can’t tell the difference.
Quit while you’re ahead.
Don’t poke the bear.
That pussy isn’t going to eat itself.
Never bet on a horse name Tripod.
mmm
From a recently read book the title of which I have now forgotten:
“Always call a whore a lady. It cost nothing, and it’s a hard life.”
Saying, “Sir” to a man does not make him bullet proof.
“Avoid The Clap!”, and the Classic “Work Smart, Not Hard”.
From my dad:
“The most common element in all successful stories is a good alarm clock”
Also from dad (it’s odd, but has been hilariously true):
“Never ask directions from someone who’s hair is longer than yours.”
From me (to my kids):
“Lady luck only hits moving targets.”