Wishing to connect with an old flame, but don't want to be an asshole about it

In My Humble Opinion
21

If an old boyfriend contacted me on Facebook and asked if I wanted to go to a concert, I wouldn’t be creeped out by that – well, I wouldn’t be creeped out if he took pains to make sure not to creep me out (no insinuations, making clear it was just as friends just to catch up again, no references to romance whatsoever, not making any references to stalking me or knowing things that would indicate he was stalking me, etc.)

Of course, I’m married with a kid and this is prominently displayed on my FB page (and I think all my old boyfriends are too), so it’s a bit different dynamic than two single people. Still, I’d say go for it if you can keep telling yourself “It’s just friends, it’s just friends” unless things go really well for both of you.

22

Too many people seem to have the idea that any contact is taboo and creepy. I seriously wonder whether they have personal stories and hangups regarding this kind of situation that makes them biased. It seems like they’ve been been victims of stalking before, based on all of the “No, don’t ever contact them!”

People can change, but some people can stay relatively the same. Besides, even if someone has changed, it doesn’t mean they would hate to be contacted. I say go for it, there’s nothing to lose

23

Do not listen to the people who tell you that you have nothing to lose. You are risking the loss of all of the following:

  1. Your dignity.
  2. Your self-respect.
  3. Whatever lingering good opinion the woman may have of you.
  4. Your present good opinion of her.
  5. Your present status as a guy without a restraining order.

That’s because it is. Real life tends to not be much at all like romance movies.

24

I’m assuming your past relationship with her did not end in anything scary, like stalking, controlling, or threats of suicide? If it did, then forget contacting her.

If it didn’t, then approach it like any other situation where you’re asking someone out – be clear, don’t be creepy, and be ready to take no for an answer. There’s nothing weird about finding someone on MySpace, so send her a message, and ask her if she’d like to get together for coffee or a drink.

Calling her on the phone is fine, too, if her number is public. Don’t call 10 other people in search of her cell number.

Remember that all you’re doing is making a date. Talk about what you’re doing now, what she’s doing, get to know each other again. Don’t start in right away about getting back together or planning a new relationship. Don’t talk about all the personal work you’ve done to become a better person; that’s too intimate for what is essentially a first date, and anyway it’s better if you let her see the new you through how you act.

Then after the date, text her a picture of your dong.

25

You could be really old fashioned and send her a note in the mail. But I don’t see anything wrong with friending her on MS.

DO NOT stalk her at a concert, because that is what you would be doing- stalking.

26

Unfucked (up, I assume) for a month <> unfucked (up).
Be unfucked (up) for a year or two before even thinking about revisiting the past - especially since the fucked was large enough to accomodate unfucking “in a big way”.
This is the most I’ve used the f word in years.
Doesn’t feel as good as it used to.

27

Really need more about this before any response is in any way useful.

28

QFT.

29

You are my new personal hero!

30

Well, a lot of this is of a deeply personal nature, so I am not comfortable with disclosing the details on a public forum. Suffice it to say that I took a big leap forward 20 years ago in my dealings with the world, myself, and other people, and since then have taken several smaller leaps, and the latest falls into that. My posts in this thread might make things clearer.

For the more skeptically minded: I’m not going to make a big deal out of this-I can perfectly accept the very real possibility that we have grown far apart in the interim, and our personal philosophies (which at one time meshed almost perfectly) hence have become rather incompatible. If I wanted to stalk her at any time during our time apart, I could have done so, but didn’t, as I considered her happiness to be paramount (I did meet her husband a couple of times and he seemed pretty cool, but what do I know about the reasons for their breakup) so I’m not about to now. At worst it’s a one and done deal, or a “I don’t want to contact you anymore”, and that’s fine by me-off I go into the other direction (like I said I have an upcoming unrelated choice to make).

We more or less just drifted apart, there was no bitterness involved. She had a new life and like I said I respected that.

In any event I’ve decided to write her via snail mail in a few days-yes the concert was a bad idea (tho I would have gone anyway-Sir Elton if you must know). The positive examples have also helped. That’s why I started the thread ya know, so thanks. :cool:

31

Not so long ago I had a chance to reconnect with an old g/f who I was madly in love with but she was a little less enthusiastic about the whole thing.

Fast forward 18 years…we reconnect…we meet…OMFG (insert scene of fireworks)

She lives a long way away and I don’t think our life situations will ever allow us to be together for real, but it was magical, and if we ever have the chance to share such time again I know we will.

32

To provide another perspective, last year I was sitting at my dining room table and I received a notification that I had a Facebook message from a guy who had desperately broken my heart twenty years before. I occasionally thought about him over those twenty years apart, but I never imagined we’d speak again, so I was quite surprised to hear from him.

Anyway, his note was polite and to the point. He wanted to apologize for the way he treated me and that was that. He told me a little bit about what he had been up to, wished me well and let me know that he had no expectations about his note.

Although I’d never entertain dating him again, his note really, and I do mean really, touched me in a way that I’ll never forget. It was just a really pleasant and welcome communication and I am sure part of the reason I enjoyed it so much was because I could tell his motivation was honest and that he wasn’t asking for anything from me.

So take that for what it is worth.

33

This is really bad advice. There are ways to cross a line that could make you lose one or more of these things, but sending a friendly, non-creepy FB invite ain’t it.

I reconnected with an old crush after six years by sending her an email. We live thousands of miles apart, so it really is just about reconnecting with an old friend. But I couldn’t be happier that I took the chance. If she hadn’t responded, I’d still be glad I tried.

34

Right. Because everyone knows an innocuous “hey, how ya been?” online is totally gonna send any woman’s pretty little head into a tailspin, scared that the OP is creeping outside her door with a roll of duct tape and a knife, and the next morning she’ll have to hightail it to the nearest courthouse. :rolleyes:

35

That’s how I met my first wife.

36

Contacting someone online gives them all the control; she can just not answer you.

And there you go.

It’s worth it, because even if you get no response at all, you will feel a bit more closure about it, and less manic. Not that you sound manic, honestly, but you know what I mean. It will take the edge off and let you move forward.

Besides, right now you have a great conversation starter, in that you can mention you’re going to the concert. Not as in you’re asking her to go with you, but it’s a common bond.

Like I said, she can just not respond and you won’t have ‘forced’ her to make conversation with you if she really 1. doesn’t want to 'cause she has no warm feelings at all or 2. Is in a serious relationship that won’t be helped by stirring up old things or 3. She has amnesia and has no clue who you are or 4. Whatever reason she doesn’t want to contact you, all of which can be disconcerting to someone starting a physical conversation.
So no, you won’t inconvenience her at all.

Well, unless you do what one old friend of mine keeps doing, which is to just keep sending messages every month anyway. Even from someone of the same gender, with no romantic feelings involved, it gets creepy after the 3rd unanswered message fails to deter a person.

37

My problem isn’t so much with the stalker issue. (Despite that I infer from the OP that he still holds romantic feelings for her. Which, that in itself, is debatably unhealthy.)

To me, it just seems like a big giant step backwards.

I think the OP should be careful about looking back. Lest he turns into a pillar of salt.

38

Yep, I don’t understand why people are making such a big deal out of this. I reconnected and now have another very good friend.

39

Background: I met her a year after high school. I fell deeply, deeply in love with her after a very short time of knowing her…Even before I knew that she was just passing through. Her home was on the other coast. She did not love me, but considered me to be a special friend (whatever that means). It just wasn’t meant to be.

But my love was…IS the real deal, man. For the next few decades, I tried to live a normal life…even to the point of getting married even though my heart was really with Her. (yeah, I practically diefy Her.) Marriage came and went quickly, now after a few decades of imagining her with me all the time, guess who I found online.

No way!!! How’d you guess that fast???!!!

I guess I was cyberstalking her. Gathering information to find out if it would be OK to cantact her, ya know. It turns out there would be no problem, but I can’t call. I’m too fkn scared.

Then I stumble, quite by chance, on a popular social network. I sent friend requests, messages, pleas, chit-chat….Never a response. I’m about 95 per cent positive she’s ignoring me. You ain’t never seen a grown man cry so much.

So I figgered (ain’t that a wurd?) I’d call ’er. What the heck. Being rejected wouldn’t be THAT much worse than never hearing from her again, anyway, I guess. So after several attempts, I finally managed to actually dial that number.

WE HAD A NICE CHAT. But can I actually STAY in contact with her? Well, to make a short story shorter, as of last night, it’s been agreed upon that we will establish video chat….(a computer thingy that niether of us has used before.

Today: I’m so fkn happy…You ain’t never seen a grown man cry so much.

Now get off your cowardly ass & CALL HER!!! :slight_smile:

40

BTW:
She didn’t respond online because her computer was fkd.