Wives that have lots of guy friends (or vice versa)

In My Humble Opinion
21

I’m going to respond before I read through the thread as I want to say my piece without any other opinions possibly interfering with my thought process here.

I’m a man and have been married to a woman for 20 years, together 23 years.

I would not have an issue with my wife having male friends. If she has male friends and hangs out with them and tells me that it’s “just a friendship” as you say (I do hope you’re taking notes: the word you are looking for here is platonic) then I have the choice to believe her and think nothing of it or not believe her and risk the destruction of my marriage. Since my wife has never given me any reason to doubt her word WRT such things I would choose to believe her unless there is actual evidence that she is not being truthful. Indeed I think most people are truthful about such things. Those that desire an open relationship are usually upfront about it.

Bolding and italics mine. First of all you think she can have guy friends but can’t call, text, or see them in person? Ok then. I’m sure I believe you when you say:

I call BS. Telling her she can have a male friend but can’t communicate with them or see them or have contact with them unless it’s supervised by you or someone you approve is no different than forbidding her from having male friends.

Re: the bolded part: this is a recipe for disaster because you are either a) automatically distrustful of your wife from the word go or 2) the controlling type that believes your wife can’t act like an adult who is in a committed relationship when around other adults. This is demeaning at best.

Re: the italicized part: This is extremely controlling. I’m trying to imagine how I would come across if I forbade my wife from talking to another man “a couple of times a month”, let alone texting! Seriously?? “Honey, I love you but you’re my wife so you aren’t allowed to text another man for any reason or hang out with them because you never know what might happen but since you’re my wife and I’m supposed to trust you but I really don’t I’m going to treat you like a misbehaving pre-teen and that’s the end of the matter.” Women are no longer the property of men and even if they were such attitudes are wrong. All women (all people, really) should be free to communicate with who they want to and establish relationships with who they want to.

Even if my wife chose to leave me for another man or just leave me, period, that is her right. I’m not going to try to force her to be in a relationship she doesn’t want to be in. It would hurt and I would want to talk about it and do what I can to save my marriage of course but trying to make her do something she doesn’t want to do or prevent her from doing something she does want to do? Hogwash.

I’ve worked in environments where I was literally the only man in a team of 40 people. If all those women had boyfriends / husbands that forbade them to talk to me outside of work hours then the team dynamics would’ve completely fallen apart. It’s not an “excuse,” it’s about functioning in a team environment which often requires communicating in the off hours. It also important to keep up friendly relationships with your coworkers if fo no other reason to prevent hard feelings from growing.

I think a woman who has friendships with men who are not her husband/boyfriend/SO/lover is totally normal and no reason for concern. Unless she’s the type to cheat (it takes two tango, after all) in which case the issue is just as much with her and requires some very open and frank discussions. If she’s not the type to tango, so to speak, what possible reason do you have to be concerned?

I think that thankfully these antiquated, controlling, and sexist views are fast going the way of the dodo.

Tl;dr: you being in a committed intimate relationship with a woman – or anyone, for that matter – does not give you the right to dictate who that person can befriend and on what terms.

My wife has had male friends in the past and I could not have cared less. I have had female friends in the past and my wife could not have cared less. Indeed, I have a female friend who visited me when I was home alone – not for anything intimate, just hanging out. Some people, maybe a lot of people, would find that weird and inappropriate. For both my wife and I it was a nothingbuger because neither I nor my friend were the type to cheat on our spouses (my friend was married to another woman, which is probably the only reason my wife’s conservative Pentecostal family didn’t make a big deal of it).

22

I happened to turn on some crappy morning radio a while back where they were talking about this topic. Someone called in to mention that their partner is bisexual. What are they supposed to do then, have no friends?

23

I’m a woman, and most of my friends are men. I am more social than my husband, but he has some female friends.

And all of this, for me, only swap girl/boy, etc. One of my college roommates told me she didn’t want to continue rooming with me because i wasn’t feminine enough.

Anyway, i have both close and casual friends of both sexes. I’ve shared hotel rooms with guys (straight and gay) at conventions. My husband is fine with that. My husband doesn’t come to as many conventions as i do, but I’ve shared a room with him and another guy, as well. And when my son’s spouse said they planned to room with the same guy at a different convention, i said, “great roommate, would recommend”.

I’d understand if my husband didn’t want me sharing hotel rooms with other guys, and i was careful to clear that with him. But I’d be miserable and bitter if he didn’t want me to text other guys, or chat with them on the phone.

24

My wife and I are both bisexual. If this were an issue for either of us, we’d either have to get over it, or go live in a cave in the desert.

25

I think it’s fine for women and men to have friends of the opposite sex, but I have to say there are certain scenarios where that can appear suspect. Even if nothing is going on, the optics of the situation could make it appear suspicious.

As a man, for example, I really don’t envision going out for dinner or late drinks 1v1 with any women I’m friends with. No one really “tells” me not to do this. I just generally don’t want to give an impression to anyone that I’m on a “date” with someone other than my wife because it would create awkwardness.

Then again, maybe it’s just that I don’t like any of my female friends enough that I’d want to socialize with them outside of a group setting.

What broke-ass industry are you in where you have to share a hotel room at a convention?

I don’t think having mixed-sex sharing of a hotel room is even ok from an HR perspective.

26

Might not be a business or professional convention; might be a hobby-related convention (as in my example, of a gaming convention).

Long ago (like, ~1998), everyone who worked in the division of the company where I was employed went to a two-day offsite meeting, about 2 hours away. It was at a fairly nice resort, but someone had the bright idea of having everyone share a room with a teammate. (Whether it was for cost savings, or what, I have no idea; this was a Fortune 500 company.)

Even they realized that it needed to be same-sex combos sharing rooms, but it was still just exceptionally awkward; I wound up being roomed with my supervisor, which was just awkwarder. A lot of people weren’t thrilled with it, and they never did something like that again.

27

Every human being should be free to pursue friendships regardless of sex, gender, or any such arbitrary criteria.

If that makes a person’s spouse uncomfortable, then that is that person’s problem to deal with.

Restricting someone else’s friendships on this basis should be considered simply unacceptable behavior, or as someone above has said “controlling or paranoid.”

Even if one believes that there is a credible risk of infidelity, I don’t believe in this kind of restriction. If you have reason to believe your spouse is likely to engage in adultery, then you need to deal with that fact, not try to build fences around that person.

28

Yes, hobby-related conventions. When i go to conventions for work, my employer pays for my own room. But when i go to hobby-related conventions for fun, i often share a room. I like having breakfast company, too.

29

a) When did you get the impression that marriage, on some level, isn’t about “control”?

b) If one spouse is making the other uncomfortable, it is not “that person’s problem to deal with”. Part of marriage is not acting in a way that appears shady. That doesn’t mean you can’t have friends of the opposite sex. It just means that maybe you maintain those friendships in a way that doesn’t make your spouse think there is a credible risk of infidelity.

That makes sense. Although I would take issue if my wife decided to bunk up with a male friend in the same hotel room.

30

This reminds me of a woman I dated some time ago.

All her friends were male and all my friends were female. She then has the audacity to tell me she’s not comfortable with all my female friends. Bc in her words “women are bitches”

That was the last time we spoke.

31

I started out sharing rooms with gay men. Then it was super convenient to share a room with a lesbian. And a few years later a straight man asked to share rooms. So i suppose we eased into it. I did clear those with my husband, who is comfortable with it.

My rule of thumb on the “don’t cheat” front is that i don’t do anything that i think might bother him. So lots of communication.

We are monogamous, but i have a lot of friends who are polyamorous, and have multiple sexual partners with the blessing of their spouse. Not everyone feels the need to control their spouse, even sexually. I went to the wedding of a poly couple and they vowed to “love, cherish, and always put you first”.

32

When I read that I didn’t think work-related, I thought SF conventions. Also a couple Neo-Pagan conventions I went to. As somebody else said - hobby related.

In those cases no one has an expense account so to keep costs down it wasn’t at all unusual for many multiple people to utilize a room, mainly as a place to just crash when you got tired, and having two or more unrelated people snoring away in a bed was entirely common. Sometimes as a place for the cosplay people to stash their costumes and touch up their make-up. Sometimes you’d run out of bed space and have people in chairs and on the floor, too. The hotels usually didn’t want that many people in the room but if you kept the noise down and behaved so no one complained you’d get away with it.

Yeah, at the Pagan conventions I went to we always had a contingent of poly folks. Never had any problem with them. I got a few invitations but just politely declined and it was not an issue. I’ve had a few invitations from lesbians, but did the same, with the same results. Funny how that works when everyone is polite and respectful of others.

33

I’m sorry, but I reject this categorically. Infidelity is actual infidelity, not “credible risk of infidelity.” Life itself is a credible risk of infidelity. If there is no actual infidelity, then the person being “uncomfortable” has a problem. This problem shouldn’t restrict the other partner’s autonomy.

If this is the level of control governing a marriage, then it is–in my opinion–an unhealthy marriage.

34

It has nothing to do with “control”. I mean aside from the fact that marriage in and of itself is a form of “control”. Marriage is literally a relationship contract. You want to be truly “free” to do what you want, don’t get married.

There is also a thing called “emotional infidelity”. Maybe a person isn’t physically cheating with another woman. But it can be just as bad if they are spending significant time and sharing a level of intimacy that should normally be reserved for their spouse.

If I have a “friend” I’m constantly going out with to dinner or night clubs and/or sharing a hotel room on trips that don’t include my wife, I think that places an inappropriate burden of trust on my wife.

Wanting to act with complete autonomy without having to consider how it makes your partner feel is also a sign of an unhealthy marriage.

35

^^^ This. I think it’s called an EA, an emotional affair. There doesn’t have to be “actual infidelity” as in lovemaking. An EA is a way to be unfaithful.

36

There is a difference between an actual “emotional affair” and a “credible risk of infidelity.” As I said, merely being alive is a credible risk of infidelity. Beyond actually avoiding an actual affair, whether only emotional or also physical, a person should not be required to restrict one’s relationships.

37

Deadheads or jam band fans in general often share hotel rooms for three day runs of shows or when following a tour similar to the people who go to cons. It wouldn’t occur to us to think about gender. In fact I had to be reminded of it when I saw the posts about people who attend conventions upthread.

38

I’ve known some christians who say I should never have a male friend visitor in my apt. Even if hes gay. Because we should avoi all appearances of evil. :roll_eyes:

39

You need to dump those losers and give them a contemptuous piece of your mind. That garbage was obsolete millennia ago.

40

I see what you are saying, but don’t quite agree. As a Hetro man, would you consider it an emotional affair if a good friend and I (male or female) hung out and had a few beers once and a while?

I think it’s healthy to have friends of the opposite sex.