That’s not at all what an emotional affair is. That’s just having a normal friend.
An emotional affair is two people constantly in contact, deeply sharing with each other and sharing intimate thoughts that are usually reserved for a spouse, particularly if they aren’t sharing that bond with a spouse anymore. It’s romantic love without sex.
That’s the thing I don’t like about “emotional affair” - I understand and agree that some friendships involve emotional intimacy and spending time together that is detrimental to a romantic relationship with someone else , but I’m really not sure why we use the word “affair” when it’s a friendship between two people who meet each other’s sexual orientation. I mean , we might refer to a relationship between a straight man and a straight woman as an “emotional affair” or one between two gay men, but I’ve never heard a friendship between two straight men or a gay man and a lesbian referred to as an “emotional affair” even though the friendship itself may be just as detrimental to a romantic relationship.
An emotional affair is one in which the people have close, intimate feelings that are similar to romantic feelings. Having a bud that you go riding with is not an emotional affair. It’s more having a friend that you share intimate secrets and feelings which produce intense, strong connections that make you want to be with that person more than your spouse. If it’s a person that you are typically sexually attracted to, these strong feelings can create romantic and sexual feelings which may replace the feelings you have for your spouse. In many ways it’s like a physical affair, but just without the sex. The longer it goes on, the more boundaries get crossed and it may lead to a sexual affair.
The term always refers to the situation where the two people are each other’s orientation be they straight, gay or bi.
The answer is always “depends”.
I’m sure my wife would be pissed if I were hanging out with my hetero friends for drinks at all hours of the evening all the time, let alone another woman. But once and awhile drinks or coffee or whatever is fine.
I think it’s more about the vibe or connection you and the other person give off. For example, “why is your ‘friend’ always seem like she’s had a couple drinks too many and can’t seem to keep her hands off of you?”
I guess when I hear “convention” I think more of a business convention. Which can often be a place where business travelers take the opportunity to forget that they are married.
Not like having my wife share a hotel room smoking pot and doing shrooms after a Phish concert sweetens the deal for me.
Yes, I understand that. My question is why we need a special term for a relationship that involves a straight woman confiding personal information in and turning to a straight man during moments of vulnerability or need to the detriment of her marriage that we wouldn’t use if she was confiding in and turning to another straight woman to the detriment of her marriage.
If my husband preferred to spend time with one of his friends rather than with me , confided more in that friend than he did in me and turned to that friend in times of need rather than me , it wouldn’t be OK with me just because it was another straight man ( or a relative for that matter)
The way I understand it, an “emotional affair” is, by definition, sexually charged. It’s more than friendship and more than confiding. It’s the kind of thing where, if you saw two people having an emotional affair, you wouldn’t be at all surprised if they eventually ended up in bed together.
This is correct. There can be other types of friendships that are detrimental to committed relationships, like going out every weekend night with your drinking buddies, but those aren’t emotional affairs.
Because in the case of a straight woman confiding in a straight woman, there is little chance that the friendship will turn sexual. It does happen occasionally, but mostly it will be one friend supporting another and that’s the end of it. With opposite sex confiding, the support can slowly become more physical and intimate. Confiding at work becomes one-on-one lunches, occasional happy hours, supportive hugs that are just a little too long and tight, late-night texting back and forth that slides into flirting, and so on. Stuff like that is much more likely to happen between a straight woman and man versus two straight women.
These comments
Seem out of synch with not wanting your wife to exchange texts with a male friend. (Or was that sometime else? Sorry if I’m confusing you with another poster.)
I’ve never put myself in a situation where either i or my friend had too many drinks and was getting handsy. Nor have i ever forgotten that i was married when i went to a business convention. I think my husband would have grounds for unhappiness if i did either of those.
Those are totally different from having friends and maintaining friendships.
I think you are thinking of a different poster. My wife is free to text her friends all she likes.
As today is actually our ten year anniversary, I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t have a lot of women “friends”. I have women I’m “friendly” with, like my friend’s spouses, “couple friends”, some coworkers, maybe some of my wife’s friend or some of the Mom’s of my kid’s friends I see around the playground. But I can’t think of any women I’m like “hey let’s go out for drinks” or whatever. Honestly, hanging out like that with a woman who isn’t my wife like that feels weird to me. Like it feels like a “date”. And I suppose in the back of my mind, I’m wondering why someone would go on what feels like a date with someone if they don’t want to have a romantic relationship with them.
Maybe I’ve seen too many sitcoms or rom-coms, but it always seems like the “friend” is either some “friend-zoned” nerd full of unrequited love or an ex with lingering feelings. Like “Hi I’m Ted Mosbey and this is my friend Robin who sometimes lives with me and we sometimes have sex when we’re single and sometimes when we aren’t I’m actually been in love with her for nine years since the moment I met her and you have nothing to be jealous of. And that, kids, is yet again how I didn’t meet your mother.”
Yeah, the difference is that i hang out with people who aren’t my husband all the time without it feeling like a “date”. I even have a collection of people in my work “teams” group that i regularly invite to lunch or coffee. It’s all people i used to work with, both men and women. Now, with covid, some of those “coffee breaks” are virtual, and others are actually at the homes of my friends – which means I’ve met the wife and kids and babysitter sometimes. But… It doesn’t feel romantic to me. In fact, lunch with a guy feels pretty much exactly like lunch with a gal, most of the time.
ISTM that what you mean is that you don’t have any women friends, just some female friendly acquaintances in your social group.
There’s nothing at all wrong with that, but naturally it’s going to seem a bit peculiar to you that for guys who do have women friends, hanging out with them doesn’t feel like a “date”.
Yeah, sitcoms and rom-coms are not reliably representative sources for the real-life diversity of cross-gender friendships among non-fictional human beings.
[ETA: Oh, and many happy returns to you and your wife on your anniversary! 
]
Yes, I’m another who, if I go have drinks or otherwise hang out with a lady, it’s not a date and it doesn’t feel like a date. It’s just two friends hanging out, sharing a drink, and shooting the breeze.