(Wo)man vs. (Vending) Machine [long]

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Today I did a foolish thing. For reasons still not clear to me I decided once again to try to do battle with the dreaded hospital vending machine. Now we had had our run-ins in the past, the machine and I ,and it had tried tricks both old and new, ranging from the time tested “item released but not falling", to the ever popular “change? You don’t deserve change”. Sometimes the machine had won, and sometimes, by using my superior intellect (or the bang, tilt, and shake method) I had come out the victor. But I had grown weary of the duel and had vowed never again to engage the machine in combat.

Yet today, as I passed by, a glitter caught my eye. It was the gleam from a package of sour cream and onion chips, so enticing that it drew me in. I had to have it, and so I prepared once again to do battle. I drew from my pocket a crisp dollar bill, and offered it to the machine, which greedily snapped it up, revealing my 1 credit. I eagerly pushed the button for my chips, but the machine blinked back an ominous message “no change”. Fine, I decided. The chips were .90. Actually, the same chips at the other end of the hospital were .80 but I knew that if I walked all the way there, I would likely not find the flavor I desired. I had already sacrificed .10 for convenience; I was willing to sacrifice another $.10. Once again, I pushed the button for my chips. Once again, I was greeted by the flashing message “no change”.

Well, I thought, if that is the way the game is being played, then I would take my money and go. I pushed the coin return, only to be greeted again with that horrible message “no change”. I vowed that the machine would not take my dollar, and I searched for an item worth exactly 1. To my dismay, the chips were all .65 or .90, and the candy all .75 or $1.25. I searched my pockets to find only dimes and another dollar. Throwing caution to the wind, I slid another dollar into the slot, wondering if the machine would be bold enough to take it too.

To my horror, I saw the machine grasp my dollar and the light now read “credit $2”. Knowing that the machine could not logically take my money, as nothing it had cost over $1.25, I pushed the button for some peanut M&Ms. To my great surprise, not only did the candy drop into the tray, but I was overjoyed to receive three quarters in change.

Despite my delight at besting the machine, I still was upset and craving chips. I quickly dropped the three quarters back into the machine, then realized that I did not have exact change. I added two dimes, hoping that the machine would accept my proffered extra .05 and give me my chips. Unfortunately, I was foiled again by the blinking sign reading “no change”. I stomped, I cursed, and I again pushed the coin return and was delighted to receive back all three of my quarters and one of my dimes. I felt lucky that the machine had only asked .10 as charge for returning my money.

Fishing into my pocket, I produced three more dimes. Calculating quickly, I dropped two quarters and four dimes into the machine. I swear I saw it tremble as it realized that I had achieved the dreaded exact change. It had no choice but to concede defeat and release my chips.

I should have realized that I had been too cocky, though, for the machine had more tricks up its sleeve. I bent down to retrieve my treasure and to my horror found that the door only opened about two inches. I reached my fingers in as far as possible and was able to grasp the chips. I tried to remove them but, alas, the bag was too large to fit through the slot. I twisted and contorted, but only by partially crushing my chips was I able to finally release them from the clutches of the machine.

Now I turned my attention to the M&M’s. They were farther in. I could not touch them with my fingers alone. I took a deep breath, and inserted my hand past the wrist, as far as it would go. My fingertips grazed the bag, but I was unable to grasp it. I now realized that I had a far more serious predicament. My hand, trapped at the wrist, was beginning to swell. I pulled back to extricate myself, and found myself stuck tight. I must have looked a sight, bent over, my hand stuck up to the wrist in the belly of the machine. I pulled, I swore, I wished my hand thinner but it would not budge. Finally, determined as I was that the machine would NOT win, I pulled as hard as I could, and my hand popped out.

Now, some would say that I should have left the M&M’s but I could not accept defeat. I rifled through my purse for tools, and was rewarded with an idea. Taking two pens, and using them as chopsticks, I carefully reached into the bowels of the machine and captured my candy.

The machine could do nothing but sit there humming, and as I walked away, munching my chips, I let myself smile at the thought that I had once again outwitted my nemesis.

2

Fuck your couch, machine! They never shoulda given you any money!

3

Holy CRAP, is that an expensive snack machine! The one where I work has stuff up to .75, and I think that’s highway robbery.

4

Quite entertaining.

5

You beat it with your super-human math skills.

Had it been me and I knew I didn’t have 90 cents worth of change in my pocket, I would have just walked away, weeping silently to myself, down one dollar.

6

Yet another victory in the on-going War with the Machines! Nicely done; nicely written.

7

Let’s hope this machine doesn’t start asking where John Connor is.

…it *might *end up running one of the biggest states in the union.

8

Don’t tip and pund the machines. We had one in our lab basement that would give free cocoa when tilted back an inch off the floor and let drop. This caused endless pleasure until one day the motion made the cup jam, the cocoa pour onto the floor and then one leg slid and buckled, dropping the whole machine. If anyone had been close enough there would have been broken bones.

9

We had a machine like that, and I found that if I put nickels in I would often receive the credit still on the machine from people that used only quarters. Food cost from 15 to 50 cents many times. A drunk supervisor punched out the glass front one night.

10

Our canoe club had a pop can vending machine. Vandals regularly popped the lock and stole the money.

One winter the vendor failed to emply out the machine, so several cans burst. Come spring, wasps moved in.

I can only guess what happened then the vandals raided the machine that spring. Notably, they only tried once that spring – even after we cleaned out the wasps, the vandals never returned.

11

Not to take away from your victory, but it seems the machine actually won in that it tricked you into buying not only your chips, but a bag of M&Ms as well. Rather crafty method it used I must say.

12

Years ago I worked for a shady guy with poor impulse control. (A short time after I quit he actually wound up in prison, but that’s another story.)

First we had a volunteer snack box in the break room. It was just a cardboard box full of chips and cookies with a slot in the back to drop change in. The whole thing ran on the honor system, and since Joe had no honor he’d just take whatever he wanted without paying. Sometimes he’d take the money too.

After a few months of this the snack company got sick of being stiffed and dropped us as a client. We were snackless for a few months which caused no small amount of grumbling, particularly because we all knew whose fault it was.

So Joe arranged with another snack company to have a vending machine put in. It was one of those machines where the snacks sit in wire spirals. Put in your money and the spiral turns and drops the next snack into the bin at the bottom.

For a month or so, everything was sweet.

Then one morning I came in to work to discovered that the snack machine had been … for lack of a better word … raped. It was lying forlornly on its side in the break room, with its snacks strewn about it on the floor. Some were still hanging out of the half-open door to its bin. It was a pathetic sight.

It turned out that Joe had been working alone in the office over the weekend. He’d gotten hungry, but he didn’t have any change. So by himself he turned the snack machine upside down so all of the snacks would fall out of their spirals, then turned it on its side so they’d all slide down into the bin. He took what he wanted, and left the poor victim laying on the floor for us to deal with on Monday.

The snack company showed up later in the day and took the machine away to a happier place. And we never had snacks at work again … .

13

!! CAUTION !!
This vending machine is protected by venomous stinging insects!

As for the OP, I was looking at the title, thinking “I know what a pop vending machine is, and I know what a cigarette vending machine is. How the heck big is a hospital vending machine? And how does the hospital drop off the spiral without smashing your feet?”

14

It *does * smash your feet. Fortunately, you’re already at the hospital. :stuck_out_tongue:

15

I once lived in an apt building with a soda machine out front. The machine developed a short and was delivering a mild electric shock along with the sodas. Someone reported it to the company, and they fixed it…
…
…
they put a rubber mat in front of it that you could stand on while retrieving your soda and so not get shocked.

16

I won the other day. I paid for a Diet Pepsi, and got my Diet Pepsi AND a regular Pepsi. Yay me!

One time, at university, I bought a Strawberry Whatever Fruitopia. I did not get the Strawberry Whatever Fruitopia. BUT. I did get a Blueberry Something Fruitopia, TWO Orange Whatzit Fruitopias, an Iced Tea and two Cokes. But no partridges in pear trees. I WIN!

When I was in Cegep, though, some poor guy at the university lost in the worst way. Apparently drunk, he shook the machine and it tipped over. Crushed him to death.