Women: Do you ask for your SO's opinion about "girl stuff"?

In My Humble Opinion
61

Here’s how I understand the situation, RR, and I’ll speak in generalities so there’s no purse-hangups.

She’s asking you about X. You don’t care about X even a little bit and she knows you don’t care. She keeps asking anyway even though you’ve made it clear you don’t care, which annoys you because hey, don’t care. The problem is, she wants you to have an opinion. She wants you to care on her behalf. She’s not asking you in case you have insight about X, she’s asking because she wants you to have insight about her and she wants you to care about the conversation because she cares about X.

I really don’t think she’s being a jerk by asking. It seems like you’re focused on whatever X is, and on the fact that you think X is a stupid topic you don’t feel like wasting time on. I think it’s probably a pretty universal response to be hurt by somebody close to you having that perspective about something you care about. To me, the important point is what you said in the OP:

Does it annoy you, or do you think it’s objectionable, that it does cross your wife’s mind to ask you about purses or family trips? If it doesn’t, it seems like you’re making an analogy from “silly man stuff I don’t need her opinion about” to “silly woman stuff” and missing the point that by virtue of the fact that she DOES care to ask you about purses/trips, the comparison to wallets and motorcycles is poorly drawn. Right? Because you’re comparing something you don’t want her opinion on to something she does want your opinion on. There’s an implied judgment in there about the lack of importance of her concerns, which – it seems to me – is the real crux of the difficulty. You don’t think you should have to care, and it’s important to her that you do care.

As for me, by the way, I generally figure I can learn whatever I need to know in a couple of minutes. It isn’t like black magic or some shit - I’m smart enough to have a conversation about something boring and weird for a little while. Say it’s a purse - well, what do you like about the first one? Ah, I see. And what’s the difference between that one and the other one? Why is that a difference. Oh, all right. Well, maybe because (phenomenon), that won’t be a big problem. Yes, I do see how it folds up really small for travel. How about that.

It isn’t really that difficult, or even burdensome, if you don’t start from the perspective that she’s being a jerk by wanting you to care. So, I don’t know, maybe stop thinking she’s being a jerk?

62

Jimmy, it’s not that I don’t care about the item/issue she is asking about, it’s that I feel like I don’t have the knowledge and expertise to form a valid opinion.

63

Right, but is it that your estimation of your own intelligence is so low that you don’t think you can learn about the consequences of each alternative, or is it that you’re

? Because they’re different things, and in the end I think it’s sort of fair for your wife to interpret the latter explanation as your not caring “enough.”

64

It’s not a matter of intelligence. It’s a matter of experience.

There’s no way my wife could tell me everything there is to know about each of her friends and relatives that are impacted by the decision to stay somewhere 1 day or 2. It’s impossible.

65

She’s already considered all those things, One additional thing to consider is your opinion.

Think of it this way: Let’s say she’d put a value of 5 on staying with her grandmother 2 days, and a value of 3 on staying with her grandmother one day and then moving on to Aunt Sally’s. All things being equal, she’d stay at grandmother’s, but going on to Aunt Sally’s is a highly viable alternative, with many advantages in it’s own right. If you really would enjoy yourself exactly equally at both, or would only prefer Aunt Sally’s a little, she will stay at Grandmothers. But if you really hate Grandma’s cooking, or if you are really sick of sleeping on Grandmother’s couch and are eager to get to Aunt Sally’s house, where there is a guest bed, then she wants to go to Aunt Sally’s.

She’s not asking your opinion on her family relationships, or for guidance in navigating those relationships. She wants to know how you feel so that she can take accommodating your preferences into account.

66

Oh, for fuck’s sake. You know whether one of her friends or relatives drives you batshit and you just can’t take more than one day of them. You know whether the proposed day trip sounds like something you’d enjoy or if you’d really just as soon have a root canal. What is so bloody damn complicated about that that you need specialized knowledge to have an opinion about?

67

I think this is a big part of it. After 20 years of engineering and consulting, I fall into this same pattern of thinking. Hit me with a question from left-field like “what do you think of this purse?”, and my default response is to go into analytical mode. That requires detailed knowledge of what qualities a purse should have, especially with respect to the user, in this case my wife. Same goes even for aesthetic questions. I can slip out of this mindset with some effort, but I’m not always at the top of my game when purse shopping!

68

My husband’s reaction to such questions used to be, “Shoot me now!” Now he just says “Sure honey, it looks great.” I know he’s lying, but it’s not so rude and uncaring.

Of course, she doesn’t want your real opinion. Men are like ravens, if it’s sparkly or shiny, they like it. She just wants you to be interested in something she’s interested in, or at least, appear to be.

69

I am notoriously indecisive when shopping, so if I can’t decide on an item, I will usually ask whoever I’m with. This drove one of my exes nuts and eventually I just stopped asking his opinion on things.

As a side note I really don’t like shopping all that much, and when it comes to clothes I have about zero fashion sense (I actually made a salesman cringe once asking if two things went together), so those are the main reasons I am indecisive and seek separate opinion on those types of purchases.

When the ex expressed how much he hated giving his opinion on those things, I, for the most part, stopped asking him and it didn’t really bother me that much one way or the other. However, he pestered me with questions fairly frequently about computer and tech gadgets and what I thought and would often times interrupt me while I was reading or watching TV. I mean, if I’m in the middle of a show, or intensely into a book, why would you think I care about the latest _______ on the market?

I think this goes both ways, and if you express a dislike for it, she should listen, but expect the occasional slip up where she’ll forget and ask anyway. She’s asking because she’s unsure of something, or because she values your opinion. It may be annoying, but she’s not actually trying to make you feel the way it is making you feel, so try to just shrug it off, politely remind her that you have no clue about purses or whatever else, and move on.

70

No, I do not ask my husband’s opinion on any girly things. He’s not interested, and I shop alone anyway.

Now that I think about it, I don’t ask anyone’s opinion on girly stuff. Maybe that’s why I get weird looks sometimes :stuck_out_tongue:

71

But you can have an opinion about anything! You don’t have to have facts or knowledge. That’s what makes it an opinion!

I don’t see how knowledge or expertise are involved in gut-level reactions such as, “Oooh, shiny!” or “Hey, that looks super-sexy.” or “I like blue better than red. Get the blue one.”

Also, to answer the OP’s original question, yes, I ask Mr. Horseshoe quite often. I ask his opinion about clothing I’ve bought, for example. Why? Because he has absolutely impeccable taste. It’s one of the many reasons I love him (and put up with his crap! :p) He knows if something looks good or it doesn’t, whether it’s a new purse or a new nail polish color or whatever other “girly stuff” **Rand Rover **is referencing.

72
  1. Yes, if it’s for a not-so-small purchase (>30$), which we do not strictly need. I do this because a. We might not be able to afford it, and he’s got a better idea about current budget than I do, and b. He’s the one who’ll have to see me with it in the long run. I expect his honest opinion.

Considering that he does the same thing to me, I don’t expect that he would ask me to stop.

  1. Because that’s what happens when you’ve got a partner, who’s also your best friend. You ask their opinion because you genuinely want to know what they think about an item. In the case of recent college graduates, it’s also the issue of a joint bank account/money issues.
73

You can’t figure out if YOU like one better than another?

74

[There’s no way my wife could tell me everything there is to know about each of her friends and relatives that are impacted by the decision to stay somewhere 1 day or 2. It’s impossible.
[/QUOTE]

I think you’re setting yourself up for trouble with this attitude. As Manda Jo put it, nicely, and CrazyCatLady more bluntly, she’s asking for your opinion so that she can factor it into the decision. If you say you have no opinion and then complain about being uncomfortable after Day 3 on Grandma’s sofa bed when you could have gone to Aunt Sally’s guest bedroom, she’s going to be pissed (and rightfully so, I think).

My husband and I have had more than one argument that got started because I asked for an opinion, he said he didn’t have one (mostly because he didn’t want to think about it), I made a decision, and he then complained about it–inconveniently and belatedly finding his opinion. Most recently (as it, two years ago), this happened with the birth announcements for our son. “Honey, I’m going to the stationer’s to pick out birth announcements. Do you have any opinions on what to look for? Should I bring back samples for you to examine?” “No, I don’t care, just choose what you like.” Then, once the design has been picked, the wording established, etc.–then he wanted it all changed because he found his opinion. I didn’t feel like going back to the stationer’s and starting over. This is the kind of situation your wife is trying to avoid–and it behooves you to avoid it as well.

75

Why?

76

This is ridiculous. Someone is not a “jerk” for asking their long-term partner whether they prefer the blue one or the green one.