I don’t ask my husband about purses, thats what the purse forum is for. But I do ask for opinions on other girl related things that he might be interested in. I mostly don’t care if he has an opinion on my handbags nor would I expect him too. I think if he felt strongly about something like that he would speak up. Sometimes he raises an eyebrow over the cost but thats it. Now we do have strong opinions on cars, sailboats, electronics, furniture and where we live and those things get talked about from time to time.
Mostly we are agreeable and smooth when it comes to shopping for boys and girl stuff.
Not that I really care but I almost stopped reading what you wrote when you said your wife was being a jerk for asking you about a purse but I didn’t because sometimes things people write don’t come across as intended when read.
But I’m sure what I wrote was read by you as I intended.
She wants to know if you’d be ok standing around holding the purse for a minute, or pushing a grocery cart with the purse in front of you. These things happen from time to time in a man’s life.
No. You flat out called the guy a jerk for having an opinion you didn’t agree with and then expected him to listen to your advice. If that was not your intention, then you communicated poorly. There is no onus on the other person to figure out what you actually meant. Own your words.
You may not know handbags, but I hope you knoe your wife. So how about this honest answer:
“Hon, I guess it’s a male thing, but I can’t distinguish between one handbag and another. However, I see you’re happy with it, and while I am attracted to you whatever handbag you wear or don’t wear, I think you are at your most beautiful when you are happy.” Then smile at her while she raves about the bag some more. For extra bonus points, kiss her or offer te do a chore around the house so she’ll beam even more. All that happiness will be right attached to/associated with her new purchase, making it your wife love it even more.
That concludes the transaction. It’s not rocket surgery, and it works with nearly everything she buys.
You may not know handbags, but I hope you know your wife. So how about this honest answer:
“Hon, I guess it’s a male thing, but I can’t distinguish between one handbag and another*. However, I see you’re happy with it, and while I am attracted to you whatever handbag you wear or don’t wear, I think you are at your most beautiful when you are happy.”
Then smile at her and nod while she raves about the bag some more.
For extra bonus points, kiss her or offer to do a chore around the house so she’ll beam even more. All that happiness will be right attached to/associated with her new purchase, making it your wife love it even more.
That concludes the transaction. It’s not rocket surgery, and it works with nearly everything she buys.
Make that remark about you not seeing the difference, not about handbags all being basically the same. Your wife will take that as a challenge to start explaining the differences to you, and you don’t want that, do you?
Ever thought about just asking your wife why she asks you about “girl stuff”? I mean, other women who behave similarly might be doing so for the same reasons, but humans are tricky beasts - there are usually several possible causes for the same behaviour.
I’m picturing a conversation along the lines of “[Wife’s name], when you ask me about my opinion of a purse I don’t quite know what you want from me. I feel like I don’t know enough about purses to give you a reasonable response, which leaves me feeling like my opinion on the subject is worthless anyway. It would be really helpful if you could tell me why you seek my opinion on purses”.
Even if she is doing it to be passive-aggressive (and your OP comes across as though this is how you see her behaviour), it’s opening a conversation about the topic in a non-confrontational way.
It never ceases to surprise me how many conversations people have about “what do you think it means when person X does this”, without ever asking person X about it.
I was accusing him of not even making an effort because it’s about “girl stuff” and he’s a man. I would say the same thing about women who act all stupid about hunting boots or whatever their husbands are shopping for. Really, it’s not that hard to find something about an object to have an opinion about even if you’re not that interested in it.
And to answer the OP’s original question; Yes I do ask my husband occasionally for his opinion on a “girly item”. Most of the time it’s because I have a few things i can’t choose between. Often he will have helpful suggestions like “you already have one like that” or, “that’s pretty ugly”. If I know for sure what I want I won’t ask him.
Regarding purses, I’m pretty sure the only question I’ve ever asked the Mr. regarding them is “Look at my new purse honey - isn’t it cute?” to which he replies, “Yes honey, very cute.”
Shoes, on the other hand, we will discuss at length. He’ll weigh in on the pros and cons of each shoe in the store (when I’m trying them on). I think he has a bit of a foot thing though - perhaps that explains the interest.
Yeah, just today when we were shopping I asked him what he thought of some fabric I bought to make a purse. When I’ve bought or made purses as gifts in the past, I ask him what he thinks of them, especially when they’re for his relatives. I regularly ask for his input about fabric combinations or layouts for my quilts and new bag designs. I asked his opinion about wedding cake and centerpiece designs. And he’s always had an opinion–he doesn’t need to know anything about the technical aspects to know what he thinks is pretty or cool or fugly or just not really me.
Hell, I even asked him about whether he felt like I was setting him up for failure by asking him about things he doesn’t know anything about. He just snorted and said he thought he was able to form an opinion on something as straightforward as a purse. And really, that’s the case with most of the stuff you’re kvetching about being asked about, it’s all pretty straightforward. It’s like the pew bows you were mentioning in the wedding thread. You don’t know anything about pew bows? Really? I mean, you know they’re bows and you know they go on pews. What the hell else is there to know? Choosing among them is a matter of picking the one you find most aesthetically pleasing.
My wife sometimes does, though she knows I’m clueless about such things as a rule, so I think it’s more to start a conversation. I don’t mind. I can tell when she’s excited about something, and I’m happy to contribute.
I remember (all those eons ago) as we were planning for our wedding, and the “critical” decisions we needed to make like which wedding invitation style we should choose. As a rule, whatever made her happy was the response, though some things I may have actually had an opinion on, and as I said, it was fun watching her have fun.
My wife doesn’t know as much about woodworking tools as I do, but sometimes I still ask her for an opinion if I am shopping around for a specific item. Sometimes this is helpful in finding points that I have overlooked, sometimes I regret ever bringing it up. Either way though, I figure it is a good way to keep her in the loop of what I am doing. If I play my cards right, this is also a way to get her to consent to a purchase I am not sure she would be happy about if it just randomly showed up in the garage.
My girlfriend asks me about girl stuff (or just regular stuff that I don’t know much about) if I’m there when she’s buying. My responses vary depending what the item in question is.
Sometimes I don’t know or care which is the better choice and tell her as much (makeup, nail polish). Sometimes I give my aesthetic opinion (clothes, jewelry). Sometimes instead of answering I probe her to explain what she likes or doesn’t like about each option (arts/crafts tools, kitchenware). These all seem to be satisfactory responses, and if they aren’t she’ll follow with more questions, “yeah, but what do you think about X facet of it”, which usually leads to the most common scenario, where I try to point out something she may not have considered, or IMO perhaps not considered strongly enough.
She tends to focus on the aesthetics, which I tend to ignore in favor of practicality. To follow the purse example, while she is mainly considering how it looks and where each item would belong inside it, I might point out that the construction of a clasp looks shoddy or “really, what could you possibly need a bag that big for?” or something of that nature.
You might have very little knowledge on the subject, but you can still usually contribute some useful information. People think about things differently, and lots of times it just takes a set of fresh eyes or a different perspective to notice something worth noticing.
ETA: In answer to the other question in the OP - It doesn’t bother me, because I feel like I usually have a worthwhile response and she values it. Except if I’m already tired of shopping and ready to be home, in which case she’s usually aware of this and won’t bother asking at that point.
She isn’t looking for purses; she is looking for validation. Sincerity is the key - once you can fake that, you got it made.
Fortunately, clothes and such are easy. It is pretty simple code - my version has been running in production for almost thirty years.
BEGIN RUN
SET DEFAULT OUTPUT SysVoice
DEFAULT INPUT SysEars
RESET #ITEM (A10/10) #I (I4)
MOVE “Dress” to #ITEM (#I)
ADD 1 to #I
MOVE “Blouse” to #ITEM (#I)
ADD 1 to #I
MOVE “Skirt” to #ITEM (#I)
ADD 1 to #I
/*
INPUT Question1
For #I 1 to 10
EXAMINE SEPARATE Question1 FOR STRING #ITEM WITH DELIMITER ’ ’ GIVING POSITION #Y (I4)
IF #Y GT 0
MOVE STRING (#Y) TO ItemX
MOVE TRUE TO #ITS-CLOTHES
ELSE
MOVE FALSE TO #ITS-CLOTHES
END-IF
If #ITS-CLOTHES
OUTPUT "What accessories are you going to wear it with, dear?’
ELSE
OUTPUT “What outfit are you going to wear it with, dear?”
END-IF
INPUT ResponseList1(*)
If TotalItemsonReponseList1 LT 3
COMPRESS ResponseList1 (1) “would work.” into string(WhatToSay)
ELSE
COMPRESS ResponseList1 (2) “would work.” into string(WhatToSay)
END-IF
OUTPUT WhatToSay
RESET #DUMMY-STRING (A25)
INPUT #DUMMY-STRING
RESET #DUMMY-STRING
OUTPUT “With your coloring, you’re probably right - which do you like?”
PERFORM SUBROUTINE ASSUME-THOUGHTFUL-EXPRESSION
PAUSE 5 SEC
OUTPUT “Then let’s get that one”
END RUN
I’ll ask some of the time. He’s got excellent taste and, I mean, he has eyes and a brain. He might say it looks like something else I have, or that it goes well with my hair color or something along those lines. And yes, I guess I do sometimes do the non-question thing, choosing the opposite of what he’s recommended – but not because he’s a straight man! I guess I just didn’t know what I wanted until that point.
OK, here’s another example of what I’m talking about. When we are visiting my wife’s relatives (in another country, mind), it drives me nuts when she asks for my opinion about what to do. I tell her “whatever you want to do” for the 100th time that trip (and the 2000th time overall).
The reason for my response is that I think that I could not possibly comprehend all of the variables involved with whether we stay at a certain friend’s place for 1 day or 2, or whether we stay in town so we ca go to dinner with one group instead of going out of town on a day trip with another group. Those things involve my wife knowing about her friends and relatives and managing her relationship with them on a level I can’t possibly achieve. So, she’s in charge, my opinion doesn’t matter, so I wish she wouldn’t ask me for it.
I realize I take the concept of having an opinion on something way too seriously, and I’m working on that. But I think this example may show nore what I’m talking about and avoid some of the pitfalls associated with the purse example.
But from your wife’s point of view, she’s in marital “debt” to you because you are going on this big PITA trip with her, sacrificing your own vacation/relaxation time to allow her to visit her family. As such, she wants you to make all the choices that don’t affect her relationships–she recognizes and is grateful that you are willing to take this trip for her, and wants to find the path through it that will be the most pleasant (or at least the least unpleasant) for you, while still allowing her to do all the things she wants to do.