I take it as a given that anyone can be broken. It’s just a matter of how good their abuser is at manipulating, and how many physical, emotional, financial, and social resources the abused has. Most abusers are needy, broken people who find that the only way they can keep someone with them is by crippling them - usually emotionally. They learn how to do this over the course of several relationships, not because they wake up one morning and decide “I think I’ll be an abuser”, but because over the course of time, in decisions big and small, they default to what is selfish, easy, and successful. This adds up to a kind of training where they learn how to grind a person’s sense of self down until that person has nothing left. When the person they abuse doesn’t set boundaries or expectations, doesn’t fight back, and doesn’t leave, the abuser begins to feel contempt for them, and that just makes it all the more easy to mistreat them.
When you talk about war-zones and being worn out, shakabro, you’re talking about an acute stress response or, more rarely, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. When someone endures constant physical and emotional violence with no hope of safety and no guarantee that they’ll have even five minutes of peace, the stress hormones their body produces to deal with the immediate situation never ebb back to normal. Those hormones are only meant to be present in the body for a few minutes at a time, to allow the person to put other biological functions - digestion, the immune system, and so on - on hold, while their body ramps up to fight it out or escape. If there’s no resolution, the hormones remain in the body, and the constant suppression of normal functions damages both the body and the brain.
Constant stress changes the brain. Physical alterations in the amygdala, the hippocampus, and the prefrontal cortex mean that the abuse victim is hyper-vigilant and constantly afraid, that they have a difficult time forming new memories or recalling old ones, and that they are handicapped when it comes to tasks - like planning, pacing, controlling emotions, and anticipating outcomes - that are essential for escaping abuse. Depression is a common consequence of abuse, and it too makes it significantly more difficult for the victim to get away from the abusive circumstances.
It’s not a choice, anymore than dying of oxygen deprivation while drowning is a choice. Some people are lucky and have a brain resilient enough to resist damage from abuse long enough for the person to escape. Many are not. Some people are lucky enough to have family and friends who step in and provide external support that replaces the neurological resources lost to abuse. More than a few don’t.
It’s not about losing touch with oneself. It’s about being starved of the very things you need in order to be yourself.