Battered women lose their moral outrage. That is a sign of their weak ego.
Eventually women in abusive relationships accept their fate that they deserve what they are getting. They accept that their abuse as normal. They give up any right to fight back. If your sense of self is violated over and over do you eventually lose your sense of self? Do you eventually lose the fight? In the sense that by hearing yelling and screaming all of the time, do you eventually accept that you deserve the treatment?
If you do, is that a sign that your ego has worn away? Eventually you lose your own unique sense of self. You lose the moral outrage. You lose your strong ego. Your ego, your sense of your own right and what is good for you to have and be is lost.
Is this a sign of a weak ego? How does such a woman strengthen her ego? How does she restore her sense of dignity? Where does she find the strength to do so? Where does she develop her will-power from? Where does she get support? How does she restore her sense of self? How does she build her ego?
Anyway, I’m not sure that I agree that all victims of abusive relationships have become passive. What do you mean with regards to their “weak ego”? Are you saying that women, in general, tend to be so selfless that they fall into abusive relationships?
That was a genuine question. I am trying to figure out the difference between a healthy ego and a weak ego. I think both men and women can have their ego disintegrate and thus become weak. I don’t at all think strong egos nor weak egos are based on gender. Though, culturally, we hear a lot more about battered women going through what I am describing above than men.
I also am not suggesting that all victims of abusive relationships have become passive. But at a certain point of someone (men or women) losing a sense of self and their place in a culture, in a country, in a home, in a family, in a community I do believe that they will become disoriented. I think that passivity comes many times from this sense of disorientation. From not knowing where they can fight back from. From not having a sense of a strong location that they belong to that they can fight back from.
Being in an abusive relationship for a long long time, I think is like being in a warzone for a long long time. It gradually wears you out.
I feel that eventually you lose your point of view that looks out for your best self-interest. I feel that is when you know your ego has disintegrated. When you can no longer look out for your own best interest, when you no longer are in touch with what is in your best self-interest. When you can no longer pursue your best-interest: your safety, your security your sense of self-love.
I got out of a long-term relationship that was emotionally and verbally abusive. A couple of factors come into play, although everyone is different and will have different experiences, of course.
It took me a long time to “get it.” I thought my SO was moody, grouchy, tired, headachey, insecure, mistreated as a child, depressed. All of this was true, but knowing that kept me from dealing with the reality of the abusive behavior.
I was absolutely and completely exhausted from the never-ending chaos of living with an abusive partner. After I left, I kept asking my therapist, “What on earth was I thinking? How could I let myself be treated that way?” She kept reminding me that I was constantly dealing with the Current Crisis, and that took so much time and energy that I really was unable to get the perspective to deal with the Big Picture.
I never felt I deserved to be treated that way, but I sometimes didn’t bother standing up for myself because I felt so defeated and tired.
You know what really got my attention? When I looked up a checklist for emotional abuse, there were maybe 27 questions, and I was able to say “Yes” to all but 2. The one that really got me was something to the effect that your partner will not let you sleep or wakes you up to fight with you. That was THE symptom that shook me up, because my partner was always waking me up to yell at me, or throwing a fit because I was trying to grab a nap.
It was terrible. Getting out was heaven. I felt like I was waking from a very long, very bad dream. I kept walking around after the breakup thinking, “Wow! I’ve never seen such a blue sky!”
Good luck and stay strong. You deserve to be happy.
I don’t think it’s necessarily a sign of a weak ego in the victim. Sometimes the control is too finely-crafted, or too heavily-imposed, so as to nip any attempt at remedy in the bud.
People stay in situations that aren’t ideal for them in many different contexts (socially, in employment, etc), often because the first few steps necessary to effect change, involve significant (or unknown) levels of pain, damage, loss or risk.
Intentionally or otherwise, abusers can exploit this common feature of human nature.
Agreed, it’s not nessarily a weak ego, but it could be something like…they’re so lonely, and don’t have a lot of healthy realtionship experiance, so they think that the batterer is better then being alone.
I know of a girl who was in a mentally abusive realtionship, where the partner told her if he killed her, they would never find the body…and yet she thought she was in love with him!!!
I think a woman (or man) who stays in a relationship once it turns abusive had ego problems before getting into the relationship. And I don’t think the question of who did the damage can be answered on anything other than an individual basis.
Dunno. I don’t like the ‘weak ego’ thing because it seems to place the blame squarely upon the victim. I think it’s possible for someone with a fairly normal ego (whatever that really means) to be trapped in an abusive situation, when that situation, or the abuse is itself extraordinary.
I think a lot of women in abusive relationships (and men, for that matter) compartmentalise their lives very well. They may lack power and “ego strength” in their relationship with the abuser, but may be strong, opinionated and capable in other areas of their lives.
I volunteer one day a week at a domestic violence safe house. While some of the women seem non-assertive and dependent overall, many of them are pretty tough cookies and certainly appear to have a pretty strong sense of “moral outrage.” Of course I’m getting to know these women briefly at a point where they’ve mustered the strength to take action. However, I have in my life known two women very well who were in awful, physically abusive and violent relationships and both were otherwise strong and fairly confident women who eventually left and got their lives back on track.
As to how one regains “ego” and control when in an abusive relationship…first step is getting away from the abuser. Which is not always easy. But staying with the abuser and hoping things will get better if this or if that very rarely works.
Find a local abused/battered women’s organization in your area. Just about every city and town has something. Make a plan and get out. The acts of planning and executing that plan are what give you the confidence to make the change. There’s your ego strengthening. The shelters and abused aid groups offer the support. They will also help you find low-cost counseling to work through all of the issues you bring up in the OP. You restore your sense of self by getting out and rebuilding your life on your own terms.
There are also national hotlines in several countries that might be a great first phone call to make. I’m not sure of what your location is, but it can’t hurt to post them all. Surely there are lurkers about who have similar issues and also need help.
* In the U.S., call the [National Domestic Violence Hotline](http://www.thehotline.org/) at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE).
* UK: call [Women’s Aid](http://www.womensaid.org.uk/) at 0808 2000 247.
* Canada: National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-363-9010 (same website as for the U.S.)
* Australia: [National Domestic Violence Hotline](http://www.dvrcv.org.au/support-services/national-services/) 1800 200 526
* Or visit [International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies](http://www.hotpeachpages.net/) for a worldwide list of helplines, shelters, and crisis centers.
While I don’t know if “ego” is exactly the right psychological term, I don’t see blame in ascribing damage to a woman’s (or other person’s) mental/emotional state. If someone gets stabbed you’d describe the wound as belonging to the person without worrying whether it sounded like she deserved to get stabbed.
One of the warning signs of a potentially abusive relationship is a partner who starts cutting off all the victim’s other relationships. Without support from family and/or friends the victim has only one source of feedback about themselves - the abuser. If the only person you have regular contact with is telling you that you are a horrible person and deserve what happens to you, it becomes easier to believe it. Lack of support from others can also make it more difficult to escape the situation. The circle of abuse continues with children who are raised seeing Mommy get beaten or emotionally abused and, since they don’t often have much contact with other family situations, grow up thinking this kind of relationship is normal.