I have little/no dating experience, but every guy i know who is good with women doesn’t really respect them as individuals and states that ignoring their needs or faking impatience really turns women on.
maybe on an unconscious level women associate a man not being interested in them with the idea that he can do better and have alot of women to choose from so he doesn’t need to be submissive to that particular woman’s needs. After all, a guy who had women chasing him night & day and had many to choose from wouldn’t need to kiss a particular woman’s ass or tell her how great she was. if he lost her, no big deal there are others to pick from. Maybe giving women the impression you can do without them makes them think other women want you too, so they think you have something of value to offer. And maybe giving women the impression they are important or valued (i.e., being ‘nice’) gives them the impression you don’t have any other options open to you and therefore really have nothing to offer women because if you had something that women wanted, you wouldn’t have to be ‘nice’ to keep the few you managed to find.
At least thats the way i see it. I love playing amateur psychologist.
I’m sorry but I am not sure what you mean. I agree whole heartedly with your first assertion. That indeed was the point of the study. Your second statement I can’t wrap my mind around at all. The study proved just what you suggested it would prove. People don’t know what they want. But the things they think they want in a date, and by extention those things they end up using to pick a date, are completely different from the things that they think they want in a mate.
Look at what that means.
You limit yourself to only associating with those you consider “dating material” chosen by you using your criteria.
You have now limited the pool of potential mates to those you consider “dating material”.
Now if your top ten list of things you look for in a date do not contain any of the top ten characteristics you hope your mate will have what are you left with as a choice?
You have set yourself up to choose the least incompatable person from this unsuitable sub-population you selected yourself.
I personally think this happens all the time. And I am more than glad to include men in this. People choose who they date on some pretty shallow and selfish reasons. They have a good time dating. They have such a good time that they decide to make the date perminant. They get hitched. Only then do they discover that all the stuff that made dating fun makes day to day life a living hell.
If you are dating take my advise. Sit down and make a hard copy list of what attracted you to the last five people you actively wanted to go out with. Fold that up and put it away. In a week or a month or whatever sit down and write a list of the qualities that you think the most successful life partner for you would have.
I must agree completely, and would like to add that I think that the ability to understand this is a big maturity milestone.
The situation described above is very typical of younger, less mature relationships. Ifwe are lucky, we don’t get stuck in a relationship/marriager like that before we mature enough to make good choices in our partners.
In my youth, I could easily have been described as the kind of woman who didn’t date ‘nice guys’. It wasn’t a conscious choice to date men who treatly me poorly, I just found myself more attracted to them, and foolishly married one.
Now that I am older, and divorced, and think about what I want in a dating partner, those qualities match up with what I’d like in a lifetime partner. I wasn’t matue enough to see that when I married.
I am now dating a very very ‘nice guy’, to whom I am very much attracted. He is confident, kind, honest, smart, funny, sexy and strong. These are the qualities I like about him as my dating partner, and the qualities I would enjoy about him if, in the futre, we ever decided to marry.
But that took a long time and a lot of learning through mistakes. In my opinion, mature adults make better decisions about choosing partners. It sounds simplistic, but when you know yourself better, you know better what you like.