“Are these evil spirits touching you right now?”
“No, ma’am. I don’t have a chain saw.”
“Did you know the thermometer was broken before you put it in your mouth?”
“I pulled two Dicks out and put in the balls.”
I work in broadcasting. I was working with sales in placing commercials in key programming. I pulled two Dicks Sporting Goods commercials out to put in two golf ball spots.
“Chimsull” came from a government description of a new product we made for new cars and trucks. For preventing rear-end collisions, somebody decided that stepping on the brake should light up a “center high mounted stop lamp” (CHMSL) in the rear window. Before the molds were even made, the engineers were already saying chimsull, as if it had always been a word.
“I would like to order 200 reaction units of human testes.”
“You’re thymus is in the fridge.”
From a very frustrating immuno assay:
Three thymi
Three thymi
See how the run
This run is causing me so much strife.
Looks like they were cut out with an exacto-knife.
Three thymi
Three thymi
Black Train Song do they still call overheating wheel bearings a “hot box?” That should be good for a few chuckles in the current vernacular.
“Kill me a million people, then we’ll talk.”
Debate case, looking for impacts, don’t ask. 
I worked in a pizza joint for years, and the one that comes to find first is:
“Busting pies”
As in, “Hey John, can you go bust pies? I have to do paperwork.”
Bust pies = make pizza.
Yeah they do. It’s just not funny when hot box detectors go off because I have to walk it.
Also, classification yards are called “hump” yards. I aways cheer up a bit when I see “do not hump” stenciled on a car.
I work in a refuge for people who are homeless, HIV-positive and have drug & alcohol and/or mental health issues. I have said the following things:
“We have seriously got to get a smaller dildo. I can’t look at this with a straight face anymore.” (To my boss a few days ago.)
“I liked him much better when he was on heroin.” (Regarding a client who has started using chrystal meth)
I once actually said this sentence in a disappointed tone: “Aw shit, if only he was HIV-positive!” (I then nearly died of embarassment.)
FTR, I work in a library.
“This is why I keep an emergency supply of good mustard.”
“Quit whining, my farts are only set on stun. Just be glad they’re not on disintegrate.”
“Dammit, the CCCs are in the DDC again.”
“It’s a good thing those two idiots both happen to be women. Otherwise they might mate and give birth to the messiah of stupid.”
From my previous job in payroll:
“Y’know, this case of fraud has made this week much more interesting.”
“I really had to resist telling this employee, “Sir, the reason your paycheck has been garnished is because you’ve had ten kids by four different women in four years, and you haven’t paid one red cent for 'em.” But I’d rather not get fired.”
We get pre-op cabbage specimens all the time in the blood bank.
(cabbage = CABG = coronary artery bypass graft)
So you’ll hear things like “Do you have the units ready for the cabbage yet?” all the time.
And it’s also the only profession in which you can be stabbed by a butterfly.
I’ve just joined the faculty of a Small Liberal Arts College. A colleague of mine, also new, asked at a faculty meeting, “You’ve all be using this term quite a lot, but I’m not sure what it means. Can you explain what ‘experiential learning’ is?”
A riot nearly broke out.
Apparently there is some…disagreement.
Tell the RPOC that the SMEs haven’t completeed the BRD by M1 so we’ll miss the R06.12 gate.
I now work in an international shipping company. Never thought I’d be asking for a forty-foot reefer (RFR = ReFrigeRated container).
Prior to entering Basic Training, I’d never considered uttering the phrase:
“Fuck me in a half step” to indicate surprise.
And where a six-pack isn’t the fun kind.
We didn’t call it that. It was “Slapping dough.”
So I would recurringly, in my spot as manager, have to say this:
“____, will you come slap this dough for a while? My arms are tired and I’m covered in cornmeal.”
Where I work now, we get different ones. Such as:
“I’m going to go shoot the mayor.” “Will you be back for the 4 p.m. meeting?” “Eh.”
“I need 16 inches by three this afternoon. Badly.”
“What did you slug it?”
“We need to get a mugshot of you today.”
“Briefs should be around 17 inches long, no matter what anyone says.”
Obviously, I work at a newspaper.
~Tasha
The railroad worker who gave a talk at my elementary school (our town was a railroad town at that point) said that if you hear an engineer leaning on the horn like that it probably means they have been involved in a fatal accident and they want to make sure they give warning. Sort of an anxiety/paranoia manifestation was my understanding.
“Today I’m working on Bend and Blow.”
“They want some more of those frosted balls.”
“We can never get enough strippers! Where the heck are the strippers?”
All heard daily.
“Look at that zombie!”
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