It’s my nephews and not my kids, but I know that I also speak for their father when I say that a lot of the time spent with them is relaxation time. Not relaxation as in “drop off on the sofa”, but relaxation as in “be yourself and have fun”; then again, we’ve never been a drop-off kind of family. Getting the Kidlette dressed when she’s been woken forcefully is a battle; getting her dressed when she’s woken up by herself, a pleasure. Getting the Kidlet to put his toys away is a small job for those of us who know how to reason with him; a huge fight for those who don’t. So there’s at least three factors at work if I say that for me spending time with the Kids is relaxation and their Uncle-on-the-other-side says it’s horribly tiresome: we have very different personalities, very different notions of relaxation, and very different ways of relating to the kids.
I’m as asocial as they come, but unless the kid in question is a Total Arsehole (and I wouldn’t have spent so much time babysitting if I couldn’t get those to behave like human beings), I find being with kids physically tiresome but mentally relaxing. Conversations with most grownups are physically not-tiring but mentally tiresome.
When mine were - well, anytime until the youngest was four (mine are not quite thirteen months apart), any time they were awake and I had less adults than kids was work. There was no pushing my daughter on the swing and just enjoying it - when we did that we ended up with the police helping search for my son. He could be gone in a flash (and did so a few times when he was little). He’s the one who managed to end up on top of the fridge at fifteen months while I was breastfeeding his sister. She had her own issues as a little one. Between the two of them it was a blur of exhaustion - and I had plenty of help.
My cousin had one easy kid and wondered what the big deal was. Two more kids…neither of them as easy as the first, and you start to understand - kids are different and one more kid does not simply double the work.
When my youngest started kindergarten I worked full time and went back to college half time. In addition to my husband, my mother was a huge help until my sisters’ health issues (one we discovered was an alcoholic, the other was diagnosed with breast cancer) made helping me a lower priority. My last two years of school where a scramble. The kids were older then though - able to entertain themselves and help more.
This is the bit that amazes me. My two-and-nearly-a-half-year-old can take 30 minutes just to eat her breakfast. Being able to feed and dress her in that time? Unthinkable!
My son was great with that sort of thing when he was a toddler. Dress, eat, move - pack his own bag. He was making his own lunch at four. My daughter was a different child entirely - she could ditz her way through a 45 minute morning and still be half dressed. I HAD to dress her to get her out the door or she’s still be wearing the jammies she wore at three to her sixth birthday party. At three and four he made his bed and picked up his room. At three and four, she didn’t know how to put toys in a toybox!
Things have changed - he’s almost twelve and his room is a mess and he oversleeps and doesn’t get out of his PJs until yelled at six times. She’s turned tidy and dresses carefully.
But kids are different and you have to adapt to the kids you have - in addition to adding the structure around the kids you have to make whatever arrangement you need to work work.
Bottom line…you do it all because it has to be done.
As a father of 4 boys… once we got started on the family thing we didn’t stop…diapers for 11 years (the changing table in the dining room makes a good sideboard on thanksgiving).
You adapt, you sacrifice, you sleep less, you must get organized. As a lot of folks here have already said, the kids must help. of course their tasks must be age appropriate, but every little bit helps. They pick up their dirty clothes and put them in the hamper (or bring them to the laundry room), they clear their dishes, they set the table, they take out the trash,etc…you get the idea. You must set expectations for them…and lower yours a bit.
Quick clean ups at the time of mess-making…big cleaning once a week (or two weeks).
Pick one TV show… that’s all you’re going to get.
Oh, one thing that seemed obvious to me, but amazes my friends: Put your kids to bed and make them stay there. When they were little the boys were required to stay in bed…to the point where they would yell for us to pick up their “blankie” on the floor 3 feet away. As they got older they could come to the top of the stairs and ask for whatever…but not come down. After _pm was OUR time. Sanity time… quiet time, couple time. Kids up until the parents go to bed is, for me, a deadly sin.
You’ll do fine…because no one else will. Oh, and the boys are 20, 18, 15 ans 12 now… and we all still like each other.
See, I really don’t get this - every kid is different, thereby creating their own dynamic around the house and therefore a different situation. And everyone’s situation is different. Some people have more help than others; some people have more drive and energy than others. There are certain things that have to get done that are non-negotiable (dishes cleaned, bottles washed, prep to make the morning easier); other things may or may not get done depending upon my energy level and how busy I’ve been otherwise, whether due to work or demanding children. Oh, and my husband, as much as I love him, is only now learning how to help me out, so I still wind up doing much of the work myself or coaching him on how to get it done.
Anyway, I consider my place a pit. The dishes are clean, no food is out and I feel comfortable letting the baby play on any floor in the house, save the bathroom where my son is learning to pee standing up (yes, we clean the floor almost daily, but still - the thought is gross); however, even though the laundry is clean, it’s often still folded and sitting on the couch, either because we folded it only after the kids fell asleep and don’t want to walk into their bedrooms to put it away (we also expect our son to put his stuff away himself) or because we’re doing other things that need doing. Even though the dishes are done, they’re air drying next to the sink. I often leave things sitting on the counter so I won’t forget them, creating additional but necessary clutter.
I also put a high priority on my health, so I must work out once a day (the high cholesterol and need to lose weight are an added boost), which takes away additional time. My seizure disorder demands that I get a certain amount of sleep (which I often don’t because the baby won’t sleep). So, yeah, I clean here and there and get a lot done; however, my house couldn’t be considered “clean” by any stretch of the imagination. It’s sanitary, but hardly clean. And doing 5 minutes here, 10 minutes there gets a lot done, but not nearly enough to let me off the hook on the weekends.
The OP asked how working parents got it all done, and I posted how I got it all done. Yes, every child is different and every household is different and every parent is different, but the thing we all have in common is that there’s work that has to get done in a short amount of time while caring for our children. I find that spending time with my son is something I greatly look forward to and nothing even close to what I would call work. I also find that the housework is easy and doesn’t take much time if I use my weekday nights to clean and prep for the next day. Other parents are free to use their evenings however they like. Just don’t spend your weekday nights watching TV and then complain about all the work you have to do on the weekend.
I’m very impressed by you all! Though it is good to hear from **Dangerosa **re: more and less challenging kids, and how 2 kids is sooo much more than twice the work and stress! Otherwise I would’ve started to feel inadequate.
I guess two big things that will (need to) change in the event I get a job are my husband will have to dial back his own time at work, and my younger child will be going to bed a lot later. (Right now she wakes up between 6 and 6:30 no matter when I put her to bed, so I put her to bed at 6:30 pm!)
I am just starting to get on board with the FlyLady stuff, and I can see the value in spending 5 minutes here and 15 minutes there. I also don’t mind spending an hour or two in the morning on the weekends cleaning up, as long as everyone is pitching in.
The hardest thing for me will be getting everything set up for the next day after the kids go to sleep. Nowadays I put on my own PJs right after the older one goes down, and maybe force myself to stay awake for an hour, in the name of some semblance of leisure and unwinding. But, as you all say, I suppose you do what needs to be done.
Thanks for sharing your stories and tips - it helps me figure out how to approach this, and when I want to try!
The funny part is once you’re through this stage you won’t remember how you did it, just that the necessary stuff got done.
My kids are 20 and 21, and my two closest friends have kids ranging from 7 to 3. For the last several years we’ve had conversations that went like:
Me: Good god woman, let something go and get some sleep. How in the heck do you do it all
Her: You did
Me: Who can remember those years. I didn’t sleep!
Wait a minute, bub. My weekday nights are spent cooking and cleaning the kitchen (with the kids’ help), walking an hour (with my son), laundry when I can squeeze it in, and general pick-up. No laying around on my ass watching TV. I rarely watch TV at all, as a matter of fact. With a 2,500 square foot house and I can’t clean it all, by myself. The older children clean their rooms and the upstairs bathrooms and common areas, and other downstairs duties as assigned (bathrooms, mopping kitchen, mowing yard). I spend my weekend cleaning hours doing laundry, vacuuming the downstairs (including our room), doing finances, gardening, etc. not to mention grocery shopping and other errands and chores!*
I love spending time with my children, but don’t tell me I don’t work. When I get off at 5 pm, my second job starts. I’m usually going non-stop until I go to bed around 10:30. What TV I do watch is on the weekends, after 10:30, recorded on the DVR.
Still it’s not as clean as I’d like; housework, as I’ve said, is what suffers. I’ve been wondering when I can find the time to shampoo the carpets.
This was one of my challenges, too, especially when we had #2. It creates a whole new dynamic in the household and I’d get confused about who needed what in whose bag (mostly due to sleep deprivation). I love this age for babies (8 months), but I do look forward to when she’s older and I don’t have to clean bottles, pump breastmilk, make sure she’s got her solids to take along, extra clothes in case she has a blowout, etc.
To manage things, I have several checklists I go through now in the evening:
Baby checklist (bottles, solids, breastmilk, extra clothes, check paperwork for other stuff - diapers, wipes, etc.)
Preschooler checklist (backpack, blanket, sheet, check any paperwork, any special clothes for particular activities)
Me checklist (lunch, day planner, cell phone, coffee - purse is luckily always in the car, but I double-check my wallet)
Breastpump checklist (parts, bottles, pump, book)
Everything is lined up next to the car seat near the stairs, so all I have to do is grab, grab, grab, stuff in the car, pack up the baby, the kid and go. I hate all the post-prep cleanup with a rare passion - after all, I just cleaned up from dinner, managed toothbrushing, cleaned up the bathroom floor (again), put children to sleep and did all this crap, didn’t I?! It takes probably 40 minutes to get it all done, but it’s worth it not to be stressed in the morning.
You also condescendingly posted that you don’t know how parents “don’t get it all done.” You have one kid who sounds like an easy kid. Single parenting it - which is tough. But its a different situation than three difficult kids in diapers and a spouse that travels. Count your blessings that you seem to have been granted an “easy” child, and don’t tempt parent karma by taking credit or believing other parents are inept. Parenting karma is cruel, its judgment swift (although it can take a while to catch up to you - my mother’s parenting karma of “well, I raised three great girls” didn’t hit until my sister hit rehab at 33.)
My husband and I just adopted a 5 year old boy and 6 year old girl 6 months ago. I went back to work 3/4 time three weeks ago. So far, things are okay (though I am freaking about full time in the fall).
I would love to hear tips from other more experienced parents, please.
The first thing that was important when I went back was that my husband had to step up. The problem is, like most husbands, he just didn’t know what to do.
So, I sat down and wrote a two page document of what needs to get done, when and by whom.
The kids don’t do too much around the house yet but they are in charge of their toys and getting things into the laundry and putting their folded laundry away.
One of the biggest blessings is that they get ready themselves in the morning. I may be a big meanie but if they aren’t ready to go when we need to, they spend the day in their pajamas (oddly, they don’t like this). Also, breakfast is cold cereal and fruit (so all they have to do is eat). They can be out the door in about half an hour.
I do ‘tidying’ every day (wiping the kitchen counters, tables and bathroom counters and putting everything where it belongs). However, heavier cleaning we are leaving until the weekends. I have also reduced my ‘minimum cleanliness level’ to the point where we can leave most things for a couple of weeks before they need the heavier clean.
Our biggest problem is that by the time the kids go to bed, we are completely zonked. The desire to do anything at that point is zero. Guess I should just get off my tushie, eh?
I wasn’t attacking anyone personally, nor was I trying to start an argument. I really don’t understand how some parents don’t get it all done. Cleaning doesn’t take all that long, and I have yet to meet someone who truly spends as much time cleaning as they claim to spend. I spend less than 20 hours a week cleaning my 1500 square foot house, and 95% of that is during the week. I put on some Sinatra, get in my Marine Corps cleaning zone, and spend 3-4 hours per night cleaning, at the most.
Honestly, how long does it really take to do laundry and vacuum? A load of laundry usually takes me less than 15 minutes of actual work time. Clothes come off and go straight into pre-sorted laundry hampers. It takes me all of two minutes to spot-treat stains, get the clothes in the washer and press start. Another 30 seconds to switch the clothes from the washer to the dryer. Assuming twenty shirts and ten pairs of pants, even at 15 seconds per article of clothing I can fold and put away in less than ten minutes.
Cleaning is all about efficiency. I spend the first few minutes of my morning shower scrubbing the shower tile, since the walls are already wet. I hose down the kitchen counters while I’m doing dishes. While the laundry is going, I can vacuum and mop, about five minutes per room. I vacuum tiled areas so I don’t have to sweep. I don’t fold and match socks or underwear, that’s a waste of time. I hang pants instead of fold them because it’s easier and I don’t have to worry about ironing out creases later. I don’t buy clothes that require excessive amounts of care. I think the hardest and longest job I have is scrubbing between the tiles in the kitchen, but I’m saving to have the tiles replaced with something I don’t have to scrub with a tooth brush.
I don’t consider grocery shopping and errands to be chores. They’re outings for my son and I to participate in together. I’ve got a kids savings account at the bank and he gets to make a small deposit every time we go there. When we grocery shop I show him why I’m picking out the vegetables I’m picking and which ingredients go together for the meal. When we’re at the store I hand each item to him and it’s his “job” to place them gently in the cart. When we’re paying for things he gets to swipe the debit card and enter the PIN. In other words, I make him an active participant in the errands, and not a weight that I have to drag along with me. He takes his jobs very seriously and loves that he gets to help.
Maybe I have an easy child, and I certainly agree that having more than one would make things more than twice as difficult. But the OP has two kids in a two-parent house, and both of those kids are old enough to be helping with things. I can’t imagine the free time I would have if I had a second pair of hands helping with everything!
I’m not a parent, but my parents did work 70-80 hours/week outside the home growing up. What kept the house together was a nanny and a good daycare/preschool and us picking up after ourselves. Early bedtimes and lots of physical activity from a young age wore us down so we were rarely rowdy in the house - as a preschooler I walked 2.5 miles a day, and did dozens of jumping jacks.
What kept them together was having lunch together 2-3 days a week - no kids, quiet time, alone time. Very few of their friends have kept their marriages together, and there are two constants I’ve noticed: both parts of the couple work and have similar levels of educations, and they both carve out time for each other.
Choosing to become a parent means choosing to give up free time. Besides, the OP wasn’t about having time, it was about getting things done. My son is in bed by 8:30 and I’m usually in bed by midnight. Some nights are easier than others and I’m done with my stuff by 10:00 and can relax for a bit. The point I’m trying to make is that all of the work I do during the week enables me to have my weekend - two full days - to do whatever I want.
Yowza! 3-4 hours a day?? And do you vacuum and mop every day or just on certain days? Also, do you guys sit down to dinner together, do bathtime and such?
I think I probably spend about 1.5-2 hours on housework every day, including food prep, scrubbing, tidying, laundry and the lot - the rest of the time is spent breastfeeding, putting children to bed, working out and hopefully talking to my husband before I pass out. Television is a rareity and when it’s on, it’s usually just for a half hour. Oh, and dinner - it’s a house rule that we all sit down together for dinner at night, baby included. During that maybe 30-45 minutes, all housework stops and phone calls, television and computers are off-limits. It’s like I’m on fast forward from the moment my car comes in the drive until dinner, when everything stops. As soon as I get up, fast forward again.
“Cleaning” was a rough word for nightly activities. I make meal plans, prep the next days meals (slicing fruit, making sauces, etc), pack lunches, sort bills, throw the ball for the dog, find activities for the upcoming weekend, keep in touch with friends and family, etc. I vacuum and mop every other day, dust once a week, laundry every three days. The kitchen and bathrooms get a good, daily cleaning. I’m not scrubbing floors every day for 3-4 hours.
