Poll: What do you do to help your SO with housework?

I work anywhere from 40 to 80 hours a week, depending on the project. Most of the time I find myself overwhelmed with trying to balance work with home life. Being female most of the housework falls in my lap.

I am curious as to how the rest of the “world” operates when the female of the household is the primary breadwinner and also the “homemaker”. I am finding it harder and harder to balance the mix. Most days I find myself exhausted to the point of wanting to retire at 7pm instead of the normal 10pm even though I wake up at 5am to get ready for a 6am work schedule.

So, who does the following in your household on a weekly basis?

  1. Laundry (including sheets and bath towels)
  2. vacuuming
  3. dusting
  4. cooking
  5. dishes
  6. clean bathrooms
  7. feed/water dogs/cats
  8. if you have cats (cleans liter boxes at least once a day or every other day)
  9. yard work

What does this household schedule look like on a daily basis? Do you do everything on Saturday or spread it out?

:: sign me ready for a nap at 7pm ::

Our situation is completely different from yours - I stay at home - so I do everything on your list except #8 (no cat) & #9 (my husband does this, but we have a very low maintenance yard and we rent the house, so this is not very extensive). He also takes out the trash. I do 99% of the childcare duties. My husband will occasionally change a diaper or feed the baby, but I get up at night every time and he’s only given our son a bath once. Although I would like him to be more involved with childcare stuff, so that he is more bonded with our boy (it’s probably okay, though, because they do a lot of playing), everything else is in line with the deal we made when we decided I’d stay home. I also take care of all household financial stuff and errands/shopping. He basically gets up, goes to work, comes home, plays with baby, goes to bed.

Before we had a baby and I was working, my husband would occasionally do laundry (if he ran out of underwear). He’d pretty much do a load of his stuff only because he was “worried” that he’d ruin my clothes. I did all the cooking and he did the dishes and cleaned up. He took care of the yard & trash. I did everything else that I do now. My husband has not been to the grocery store since we got married.

Should I also include:

  1. Keeps track of all finances (both household and retirement investments)
  2. Who does the grocery shopping
  3. Who does most of the errand runs (misc stuff)

And if you have kids (aka we don’t thank God otherwise I would be a veg)

  1. who is primary care taker

Tigerkitty does your SO work? and if so what hours?

Both my husband and I work the same hours each week - right around 40. We have 2 teenage sons living with us, so our chores are split pretty equally.

  1. Laundry (including sheets and bath towels) - My husband. He does all laundry, all the time. Actually, we’ve recently told my 17 year old he is now responsible for his own laundry, so my husband’s loads have lightened just a bit. If I do one load of laundry a month, it’s a lot. He usually does anywhere from 1 to 3 loads a day.

  2. vacuuming - Mostly me, though I get my 13 year old to do the stairs. My sons sometimes do this if I ask them to. And they vacuum their own room.

  3. dusting - I do all the dusting. I’m good for about once a week or so.

  4. cooking - My husband and I split the cooking, maybe 60% me, 40% him. My kids can cook for themselves if we’re not around, and often do make themselves something after school, before we get home.

  5. dishes - My oldest son is responsible for emptying and loading the dishwasher.

  6. clean bathrooms - Me, we have 2 and a 1/2. Again, about once a week or so. More if it warrants.

  7. feed/water dogs/cats - DNA

  8. if you have cats (cleans liter boxes at least once a day or every other day) DNA

  9. yard work - We don’t have much of a yard (condo), but my kids do keep the gravel and stuff we have off the sidewalks.
    Other chores not mentioned -

Scrubbing the walls, the floors, the carpets and the couches - All my chores.

Keeping our garage neat and tidy - My husband’s.

Taking out the garbage including taking the cans to the curb on garbage day - My 17 y/o – the recyclables - my 13 y/o.

That just about covers it. I try to spread out the stuff like dusting, vacuuming, bathrooms. I usually save the scrubbings for the weekend, either Saturday or Sunday.

Yes, he does. He works about 30 hours a week.

He was going to school part time and working part time but that ended when he finished up this past quarter. He is currently searching for other employment outside of a sales job.

I am a Sr Software Engineer that works way too many hours in a very stressful job and I am finding the job/home life harder and harder to manage. It was easier when I was on the road 80 percent of the time because it was assumed I was not going to be there to manage the homefront.

Now I don’t travel so much and it is wearing my ass out, and when I try to explain things…I get this blank stare as if “oh god she is going to nag me” and I really hate that look from a man.

**psycat90 ** thanks for your response. It really brings to light a balance in household upkeep. :slight_smile:

C3 I appreciate your response as well, however we don’t have kids so the table is on the opposite ends :slight_smile:

Please keep the information coming.

#1 - 6 - It’ all me, baby (about once a month or less, SO may run the vacuum, IF guests are coming over and I’m stressing out because I don’t have time).
#7 & 8 are not applicable any more; when they were, I did them.
#9 - I refuse to lift a finger, because I do everydamnthing else. SO doesn’t do it very often, either (our neighbors hate us for our yard).

As to schedule, I mostly prefer to do household chores through the week, so that weekends are free to relax, but sometimes I’ll go through lazy spells where I’ll save everything up until Saturday.

And…

  1. Keeps track of all finances (both household and retirement investments) - Equal. We are each responsible for 1/2 of the mortgage, and our own bills (cars, credit cards, etc.) We split the rest of them about down the middle - I pay the electric, he pays the taxes, I pay the water, he pays the DSL, etc. We each have our respective payees set up for online bill paying, so it’s pretty easy. We each have our own retirement investments.

  2. Who does the grocery shopping - Equally split among us or we both go together.

  3. Who does most of the errand runs (misc stuff) - Probably him, though we really don’t have much of those. If we ever need some random thing, we either go together, or on our own time like a lunch break or something.

And if you have kids (aka we don’t thank God otherwise I would be a veg)

  1. who is primary care taker - I guess that would be me since my kids live with us, but they are pretty self-sufficient. When his kids are here (between 8 and 13, 3 of them) he is.

Oh, and:

#10 is mostly SO ( I keep track of one shared checking account, he does all the rest - he’s a CPA, so it makes the most sense).
#11 & 12 are fairly evenly shared.
#13 is not applicable (thanking God also).

Tiggrkitty, maybe I’m dense, but I’ve got a feeling you’re bearing unfair load of housework and you’re angry and frustrated that your SO is shirking his responsibilities. I think this has gone on for some time and you’re getting ready to blow your top, and maybe go postal on your SO if he doesn’t shape up. This won’t work because your SO probably likes the way things are going and won’t change if he can possibly avoid it. Here are a couple of suggestions I have so you get a much deserved respite:

  1. Hire a cleaning service on a bi-weekly basis. This should cost roughly $50.00 - $100.00 (depending on tasks and your location). I like this for a few reasons. First, the house gets clean and you get to re-charge your mental batteries. Since you’ve got a stressful job, it might be cost effective to throw money at a problem and make it disappear. If your SO balks at the cost, ask him for a fair solution, noting that the current situation is off the table.

  2. Stop doing mutally benefitting tasks and only do those tasks that impact you. Do only your own laundry, food shopping, cooking, cleaning up, bathroom scrubbing, etc. and let everything else slide. If your SO wants clean clothes, cooked food, clean toilet, let him step up to the plate and do it himself. You’ll need to steel yourself to ignore everything that piles up, because your SO won’t get busy until he starts feeling some pain. If he complains, tell him this is how things will be until the both of you can work out a fair, equitable division of labor that the both of you will stick to.

I don’t know the dynamics of your relationship, but I grew up with four brothers who were foul pigs and now have been well-trained by their wives. Hope this helps.

Why, exactly? What does your husband (I’m assuming here; if I’m wrong, correct me) do for a job? What work around the house does he do, if any?

I also see a flaw in the idea of anyone “helping” a spouse with housework. You both live there, right? So shouldn’t everyone pitch in? And unless he is also working 80-hour weeks, you need to talk about some reapportionment (or hiring help).

That said, here’s my sitch:

I have been the primary breadwinner (self-employed, work at home) for 3½ years. Before 2001 we both worked full-time, but even though he made about twice as much, we divided the housework fairly evenly.

After he lost his job, I had to really ramp up my hours to make up the difference. It’s better now, but I still spend a LOT of time in this chair, including evenings and weekends. He’s had jobs on and off, and when he’s mostly unemployed or works evening hours, he plays Mr. Mom and does most of the dishes, cooking, etc. But when, say, he’s working double shifts this week at his two sub jobs, then I find a way to keep up with the dishes and have something ready for him to eat when he gets home. Or the dishes just stack up for the week and we throw a pizza in the oven. We play it all by ear – there’s no set schedule.

OK, your list:

1) Laundry (including sheets and bath towels)
He’s done all our laundry since we started living together. He’s more fussy about how his stuff gets dried, so he gets to do it. Plus he has more pressing laundry demands, needing clothes for work, whereas I can sit around in the same grubs for three days if I want. We’ve always used a laundromat, and when I can I come along and help unload, fold, etc. But he does all the sorting and deciding what’s dry enough. We’ll be finally buying a washer and dryer soon, though (knock wood), so I’ll be able to throw in my own load now and then.

2) vacuuming
It is to laugh! This gets done pretty much whenever we’re expecting company, and not really any other time, maybe once a month or so. Usually I do it, but he will do it also. We don’t really have any finished floors, though (the house is a work in progress), so it’s not a big deal.

3) dusting
See “vacuuming” above.

4) cooking
Whoever’s hungry or has the energy or an idea of what to cook. If that’s nobody, then we make a sandwich or have a bowl of cereal. (Ah, the advantages of not having kids.) When we have time we like to try new recipes together.

5) dishes
Usually him, but I will turn to once or twice a week. He likes to do dishes first thing in the morning to soak his slightly arthritic hands in the hot water and think about what he’s going to do today. He almost never does ALL the dishes, wipes down the counter and stove, etc. But I’m not going to complain. (I do make sure to do those things when I do the dishes, though.)

6) clean bathrooms
Again, usually before company comes, or if it gets too grody to stand.

7) feed/water dogs/cats
Usually this was all him, but now that he’s working evenings I do all the dog feeding and med dispensing. He takes the springers out first thing in the morning and for their last run before bed; feeds the outside cats; and feeds the cockatiel. I feed (and now medicate) the shepherd twice a day, and scoop chow and water for the springers once a day.

8) if you have cats (cleans litter boxes)
N/A

9) yard work
All his job, because he knows what he wants to do. With the house a work in progress, there is always construction to work on. I won’t even bore you with the seemingly endless list that he’s always working on. Plus firewood season is coming up. Once in a while I get a wild hair and create a project for myself. Right now there are nine bags of cedar mulch out there with my name on them.

10) Keeps track of all finances
Mostly me these days. He has a credit card payment, and buys some groceries and lumber. I take care of everything else. I also manage the calendar.

11) Grocery shopping
About an equal split; I buy most of them, but we like to go together. He will gladly take a list I’ve made and make a grocery run if I’m too busy to go.

12) Who does most of the errand runs (misc stuff)
Usually me during the week, because I’m here – running dogs to the vet and things like that. I often have to take a UPS package to town, and I try to combine local errand running with that (about 10 miles round trip). For trips to “the big city” for lumber or “real shopping” (40 miles one way minimum) we like like to make a day (or evening) of it and have a nice meal while we’re out. When you work at home out in the sticks, a trip to the lumber yard can be A Big Deal.

What does this household schedule look like on a daily basis? Do you do everything on Saturday or spread it out?
For me, at least, being self-employed, the concept of “Saturday” is nonexistent. Things get done when there is a block of time to do them, or when we have the lumber, or when the weather is cooperating. Nobody nags anyone else. If I need him to do something, or he needs me to do something, we just ask, indicating when we need it done by, and it gets done.

So I guess I would have to say that we consider keeping our home a team effort. Perhaps I am lucky because hubby lived on his own for about 10 years before we met. I’ve never understood why some men think they are exempt from taking care of the house just because they have a penis.

  1. Laundry (including sheets and bath towels)
  • we each do our own as needed. Whichever one thinks of it does the sheets.
  1. vacuuming
  2. dusting
    I do
  3. cooking
  4. dishes
  • we take turns every day
  1. clean bathrooms
  • we each have our own and do as needed
  1. feed/water cats
  2. cleans liter boxes at least once a day or every other day)
  • she does
  1. yard work
  • I do
  1. Keeps track of all finances (household)
  • she does
  1. Who does the grocery shopping
  • we both do, together on the weekend
  1. Who does most of the errand runs (misc stuff)
  • she drives the car, so it falls to her

We spread some of these duties out, because my wife works two jobs some days, and is gone from 7:30 AM to 8 PM.

I was going to post the same thing- my spouse doesn’t "help"me with the housework- it’s not my job to help with.

It just so happens that I’ve been reading a book about this (everyone can sigh now). Try Just kiss me and tell me you did the laundry, by Karen Bouris. It has a lot to say on the need for equal home life, personal time, housework, and parenting between spouses, and suggests ways to even things out and appreciate each other more. See if you can get it at the library…

(I’m a SAHM, so my situation probably doesn’t apply to you. I do most of the housework, but DangerDad does some as well, enough to keep me reasonably happy, plus probably 30% grocery shopping, and he does a lot with the kids.)

Vaccuuming, floor-scrubbing, errand-running, checkbook-balancing, money-handling, grocery-shopping (half), gadget-maintenance, assorted-home-repairs, babysitting here.

I acknowledge that my share of the housework could be a bit better to get 50%, but it’s hard to wash the dishes when my wife actively tells me not to do it even when I volunteer…

my GF and I both work fairly long hours so we have a bargain

I clean the kitchen and bathroom and she cleans the study, bedroom and living room.

I also do 98% of the cooking, and most nights she will do the washing up.

She works longer hours than me as she is an auditor so i cut her some slack

I live with my sister and my boyfriend. We’re all full time students, and my boyfriend has been living with us for around half a year now. We have cleaners who dust, do the floors and bathrooms, and a gardener that comes every three weeks to keep the garden looking presentable.

Laundry, cooking, and dishes we rotate between the three of us, although my boyfriend usually does most of the work. My sister and my boyfriend take turns feeding the cats (although he’s more responsible so I’d say 90% of the time it’s him) and I’m the one who cleans the litterbox.

My parents pay the water/heating/internet/electricity bills and give us some money for groceries. My boyfriend’s parents foot the lion’s share of the grocery bills though. My boyfriend is the one who is the most responsible in sorting the mail and keeping up to date with our finances.

I’m definitely the laziest out of the three of us, and my boyfriend is by far the most responsible.

  1. We split the laundry between us on a fluctuating basis. Sometimes it’s about equal, sometimes one or the other of us is doing way more than the other, but over time it balances out.

2-3) I pay a wonderful lady to come do that every other week, and she does a much better job than either of us would do.

  1. It depends on who’s home. On nights one of us works, we’re generally both on our own for dinner, although sometimes we’ll come home to a plate in the fridge. When we’re both home, it fluctuates like the laundry does.

  2. That’s usually me.

  3. See 2 and 3.

  4. He feeds the girls maybe a couple times a month. I am responsible for all pet care. Feedings, baths, waste disposal, hair removal (you could knit a sweater with Claudia the Vunderhund’s sheddings), vet care, the whole shebang.

  5. See 7

  6. I do almost all the mowing, planting, and weeding. Periodically he gets motivated to run the weedeater.

  7. He does pretty much all of our joint bills, as well as his personal expenses. I take care of my personal expenses and put money in his account for the joint stuff.

  8. We both do, partly because we have totally different approaches to it. I’m a buy-for-the-week kind of girl, while he’s more a daily run for what you want that night kind of guy. I tend to buy more of the staples and cleaning supplies.

  9. It’s a mix, depending on what sort of errand and what his schedule is like at the moment. I’d guess I probably do a little over half of them, but I couldn’t tell you for sure.

  10. NA

He and I agree that I do the bulk of the home care around here, and yes, there are times when I feel like his chores consist of not getting peanut butter on the sheets (TM Dave Barry) and he won’t even do that. Yes, it’s incredibly frustrating sometimes. There are two big differences between our situation and yours, though. My husband is a medical resident and works roughly 70 hours a week, while I typically work a little less than forty, and my husband is generally willing to at least attempt to address the situation when I feel there’s a problem.

We both work fulltime (40-50 hr/week). My schedule’s early, her’s is late.

Me:
Fetch kids every afternoon
Chauffeur same to band/piano/gymnastics/football/4-H/etc.
Cook all weekday dinners
Evening baths/homework/putting-to-bed
All external yard/auto/boat maintenance (1 exception see below*)
Approx 1/2 the daily kitchen maintenance (dishwasher/etc)
All laundry for the male half of the household.

Her:
Deliver kids to school(s)
Weekday breakfast(s)/pack school lunches
Approx 1/2 the daily kitchen maintenance (dishwasher/etc)
*flowerbeds (I hate these)
All grocery shopping
All billpaying
All laundry for distaff side of household
Almost all vacuuming/dusting/etc. (90%)