I really, REALLY like how you think 
My anti-rant…or how SG dropped a box on his own foot:
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He told my boss that I always let him take a 15-20 minute break every hour because he’s old.
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He said the spare change in my desk drawer was shared because he is po (and said she should put some there because he used it for sodas).
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Said that Opal doesn’t exist.
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Said that I had told him that boss would buy coffee and snacks while I was gone.
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Somehow, the pick-up and pull lists disappeared, so she didn’t know what needed to be done. Of course, this meant SG was able to sit around and check sports scores on the computer.
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Ate her lunch, and when confronted said he thought it was food I had left and he didn’t want it to go bad and stink up the fridge.
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Spent 3 hours picking up 40 boxes from a site 2 miles away, and then boss learned it was because he was in their break room, noshing on potluck food everyone had brought in for lunch. They were not happy about it. They are nice people and had he done it after the potluck, they wouldn’t have minded nearly as much.
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Managed to put more miles on the delivery van in 2 weeks than usually happens in 4 months.
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Never once cleaned the coffee pot, and left his half filled coffee cups all over the place. When boss confronted him about that, and the used cultery in the sink, he actually said he never washed dishes because that was women’s work. Now I’m wishing I had answered her calls and emails, just so I could have laughed about SG’s idiocy.
In other words, my boss is trying to find a way to get the other departments to send people over to do their own shredding and will happily watch the carnage when I put some mexican food in the hopper and SG dives in to get it. She will probably help me shove him in feet first if that’s what it takes! 
(I’m not sure how many frozen lunches I left. I think I had 4 and there was only 1 when I got back, but I didn’t count them or take pics, so he gets a pass on that.)