Oh, I’m glad we moved on. Now you’re preening for having a pseudo-philosophical thought that I thought of and took care of three years ago. If you ever spent five minutes doing your job, you’d know that.
So shut the fuck up already.
You’re gonna love this. I get paid (quite well) to do nothing. And I HATE it!
We contract O&M with a small crew that ______'s a _______ and due to the mission critical nature of the operation we have an “extra” person on staff to cover vacations, sick days, etc. So once every six weeks, in order to allot a full 40 hours to every person, we get a week of office hours where we basically get paid to come in and surf the web. It’s just hours the company gets according to the contract, so we have to be here.
And I HATE it. 
Stop making sex jokes, you disgusting old goat. Also I’m glad that your addled old brain is “sure” that problem exists, but the fact is, it doesn’t and if you EVER DID ANY WORK YOU’D KNOW IT.
SO SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY.
Ah yes, that reminds me of last year when I was at a reception assignment. Usually there are two, but the other one wanted to take two extra days off after the week off that everyone has. We left a proper voice mail greeting about our closure but people still didn’t take the hint to try again when we’re opened. Instead, the message box was maxed out (it could hold 50 messages) and then throughout the first day back, I had people calling me to say things like “I called and left a voice message, why hasn’t anyone returned my call yet?” and “I called and your voice message dodad was full. Why are you so unprofessional?”
I was about to give up and go sob in a corner, but then a very nice co-worker took pity on me and told the manager that she’d put some of her non-essential tasks on hold for the day and help me get through the calls. I miss working with that woman, I do.
As much fun as I’m having listening to your half of a cellphone conversation (metaphorically speaking), I’m going to churlishly ask you to share some expository information that will tie these elements together into a story. 
Dear Development Editor:
The publisher’s 60-page style guide is nitpicking enough, but your personal requirements are so ridiculous that I can’t endure writing this book any longer. I started this book (my fifth) partly for vainglory but mostly because I felt programmers would really appreciate it.
But unless you agree to follow the publisher’s style guide and put aside your crazy demands, I’m going to end this. There won’t be any legal concerns since no money has changed hands. Of course, I’ll never be able to work with the publisher again. Damn, damn, damn.
My weekly team meeting… one of the contractors is an incompetent but arrogant old fart who has apparently had so many mini-strokes that he’s forgotten what appropriate workplace behavior is. He also likes to pick on me–he has tried to get management to fire me several times in the past. He doesn’t realize that he has zero clout in that department.
Unfortunately our team lead licks the guy’s balls, because the guy directed him to this job, so I doubt there will be any repercussions for the constant non-sequitur sex jokes. I’m leaving work to have a baby in two months, so I’m trying not to give a fuck and I definitely won’t be the one to tell management.
Dear random dude at our largest customer:
I am not a member of Linked In. I will not become a member of Linked In just because you want me to. I don’t know who the hell you are. Keep your invite cooties away from my inbox.
Huggles.
Me.
Dear boss: I’m supposed to be bridging my time this year. We’ve talked about it every year since 2006, and you know how important it is to me. Why is it that you are unwilling to discuss it now? I should be entitled to 2 extra weeks of vacation, along with the combining of my total years of employment. But you have stonewalled me for the last 2 months when I ask about the particulars…why is that?
Dear idiot:
When I tell you I can’t fix the access problem the programmers in India are having it’s not because I’m being obstructive. NOT telling me that they also can’t edit documents on our file server because it times out will not make me magically find an application error that only affects them. Ignoring their sub par internet access does not make it magically go away.
Love always,
The bitch with an attitude.
PS: Attitudes are earned baby. Your coworkers think I’m a miracle worker and they snitch when you complain about me.
PPS: It’s a really good idea to verify facilities before you offshore work.
My WAG: It’s because they’re making you drag your ass in to do nothing. You’re resentful that you couldn’t just do nothing at home, where you could do nothing more comfortably, or maybe even do something–even if that something would be tedious like housework.
Plus, doing nothing is boring. You can at least surf the Dope, right, Nadir?
Well, I’m doing (accomplishing) nothing right now, I hate it, and you are both right!
Been there - my world is either feast or famine. either I am as busy as hell, starting at 7, working till 7 and taking work home, or I have to figure out how to stretch 1 hour of work to fill 8 hours of time.
Right now, its a mix. Hurry up and get this done, then wait . . . wait . . . wait . . . finally got the next document from the attorney so hurry up and get this done . . .
This has been the Day of Everything Breaking.
Spent half the morning fixing a stupid IE6 bug.
Then a client site gets hacked. Boss asks me to fix it, but because he is understandably upset, drags Programmer(/IT Guy/General Tech) into my office to tagteam. After 5 minutes of figuring out it isn’t a run-of-the-mill thing, Programmer shrugs, says he’ll take a look at it later and leaves the office to go buy energy drinks. I snoop more myself and in another 5 minutes find out it’s an exploit with a web app we didn’t make, so we send it off to External Guy to fix. I tell my boss I think it’s appalling for Programmer to leave while a client site is down because of a hack that is trying to make you download malware. Boss then informs me he told Programmer yesterday before coming to me today!
Finally, Boss is doing a demo for a client today, so I told Other Programmer about a small but annoying bug and he says it’s fixed in the newest version of the software, so he updates it, and now everything else is breaking, 45 minutes before the start of the demo. TEST IT BEFORE YOU ROLL IT OUT.
This whole week has been shit. It was topped off by two people at work (I like to think of them as Busybody and Minion) doing a drive-by yesterday. You see, the problem is that my boss doesn’t like Busybody and, by extention, her minion. In most cases, his dislike of her is unreasonable - if an idea comes from her, he automatically discounts it or excludes her from the conversation and talks to me about it instead. I don’t like that, so I tend to (gently and when permitted) pull her back into the loop so she knows what’s going on and has an opportunity to offer her opinion and expertise, both of which are considerable.
But apparently I’ve been a little too nice, because I got dragged into a conference room yesterday by both of them demanding, “Why doesn’t our boss listen to us?!? I told him X, Y, Z about this conference and he talked to you about it!! Why?” Seriously? What, are you five? How the hell do you expect me to answer that? I can be honest and tell you that he hates you, but that’s not workplace appropriate. Or I can tell you what I told you before and say, “Have you had an opportunity to talk about this with him? Alternatively, you can talk to <organizational consultant> and get her feedback.” And, yes, our company has hired an organizational consultant just for our group. Apparently so many people have complained about our boss that we all evidently need professional help. Either that or they’re going to fire us all, just like in Office Space.
Then today, I was sideswiped again by both of them trying to tell me what to discuss with him in my weekly meeting. Diplomatically and in not so many words informing them that, no, I wasn’t their flunky but would take legitimate concerns to him was not fun. Then I heard them out, requested more information on a few things (that I indicated I would put off until I had more data) and went on my merry way. Now they’re mad at me because I didn’t see fit to bring everything they vomited out at me to my boss. I suppose I should’ve expected that. They’re good at what they do, but they’re huge control freaks. And they’re also not entirely in the right this time. Grrrr… Anybody around here got some vodka?
So, how’s that getting in the middle of other people’s idiocy going for you? 
I’ve been trying for a week now to talk to my contact at the temp agency. She doesn’t answer her phone ever and takes forever to return a call (if at all). I have no cell phone reception in the warehouse I’m working in, and I won’t talk on a cellphone while driving, so every day we play a game of me leaving a message, waiting as long as I can for the return call, finally going out and doing something, and seeing I missed the call when I come back in. Today I talk to someone else and find out what her email address is - I’m tired of this stupid shit.
All this rigamarole for her to probably tell me that I have to just suck it up and move all the heavy boxes they want me to move (I’m an office worker).
You were late getting into the office because of the weather, but I needed a document from you to use as a template for a new contract for the same client. No problem, I found out from your manager whom on your team to contact. But oops, since you used a fucked-up footer that doesn’t follow our official naming scheme so that you have a unique identifier for every file, she sends me the wrong one. Also problematic: she sent me the RFP response instead of the SOW (statement of work), when I’d specified I needed the SOW.
Oh well, but you’re in the office now. Oh good, an email from you! And what does it contain? The same fucking RFP response. (1) I already responded to the other woman *and *you with a PDF copy of the actual document I’m looking for; (2) I’ve now said repeatedly that I need the fucking SOW, you vapid morons, not the RFP response.
I beg you, send them this verbatim. 