Think of it this way, rockle: you’ll probably screw them over more by leaving because that will leave them with no one to do all the work they’re not doing.
Ah, schadenfreude. Or something.
Thanks for the pep talks, everyone! No, really. I have SO MUCH STUFF to discuss with my therapist.
I’ve heard of cases where after someone like rockle does leave, they get calls from their former boss demanding they come in to help.
And the proper response is: “I’d be glad to. My consulting rate is $xx per hour.”
I’ve done it. Saying that made it one of the most satisfying conversations I’ve ever had, even before I got their answer.
You’ll want to be adding an X to that.
My company has so far made no effort to download my knowledge base. If they still haven’t done so when I retire, I will tell them that my going rate for consultation work is $300 per hour, minimum $1,000 per request. (This may go up if I’m feeling cranky.)
Roddy
I used to work with one who’d done the consultant thing, and expected to be doing it for years since his former company (the one we both worked for) kept hiring these dumbasses who couldn’t be arsed learn anything about their jobs.
He charged for total time including travel, and if the “we need you to come now, can’t wait” call disturbed any plans more complex than “puttering around the house”, that got added to the price tag. He put this clause in after being called urgently from a biker’s meet several hours away, in order to solve something whose solution was explained in page 3 of the manual he’d written before leaving the company.
Hitting nails on the head is fine, but please do refrain from hitting them so hard you send them into orbit: we’ve got government agencies for that!
My new boss? The one I bitched about signing off with “Thank you for your patients” even after I’d pointed it out? OK, so I’m just gonna copy-paste verbatim how she began a response in another service ticket, no edits on my part at all:
Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez.
I couldn’t do it. I’d be laughing too hard to say anything.
7 minutes before I have to log off and leave, I get IM’d;
Joe Blow: Hi, I need access to databases X and Y.
Me: ok, X is one of ours. Fill out this form. Unfortunately, I’ve never heard of Y.
JB: So you can give me access to X and Y?
Me: No. I can give you access to X. Y is not one of ours.
JB: Four minutes of ‘joe blow is typing’.
Me: I have to log off in 60 seconds, please make it fast.
JB: Stops. pause. "So if I fill out this form, I’ll get access to X and Y?
Me: NO. Y is not ours. I have to go now.
JB: How can I get access to Y? By filling out your form?
Me: <attempting to log off, computer telling me it can’t because program is open and asshole keeps re-opening the window I keep closing on him>
Me: FORCE SHUT DOWN NOW.
I am about 98.4% certain that when I get in, there will be the form, filled out asking for both X and Y.
Isn’t that why God invented caller ID?
Literally 8 hours on the phone today. Most of it on a conference calls with people saying the problem we’re having can’t be caused by settings and configurations under their control.
I think I’m going to drive to Dallas tomorrow, grab a Citrix engineer in one hand, an applications analyst in the other, and beat them together until either I have a solution or pieces stop falling off of them.
Then I’m going to find myself a nice Irish pub to relax for a few hours.
If there is a problem and Citrix is involved, well, the problem is never Citrix (even if it is).
Roddy
Grrr… Getting unpleasantly stressed and irritable and I’m not 100% sure why.
But same shit, different person today. Ten minutes before I was to leave.
“Hi, I need access to X”
Ok, that’s handled by this other department. I’m pinging you a link to our web page. If you go to this section, it has a link to their site and a helpful manual on how to do their process.
“Ok, I also need access to Y”
That is yet another department. Again, on our website that I sent you, we have a link to their website and a quick guide for filling out their forms. There’s also a number that you can call for assistance with it.
“Where?”
On the link to our website that I IM’d you.
“So how do I get access to X?”
If you go to this part of our website…
“What website?”
The one in the link I sent you.
“So I should open it?”
Yes.
(She reads off a different part of the website) “I don’t know where…”
Directly above that is the part I’m asking you to click on.
“Oh, well I don’t have time to read through these. Can’t you just walk me through the process?”
No. Please read the guides and fill out the forms on their websites.
(Getting angry with me) “Why? Don’t you have time to help me?”
No. I need to leave in 5 minutes. Please follow the link I sent you. There is a phone number on the page for the one department if you need help with their form.
Honestly, bitch. YOU don’t have time to read anything and fill out forms THAT ARE NOT OURS, you want me to walk you through them??? If you’d have called an hour earlier and been a little nicer (and more intelligent) about it, I would have helped you. But when you call at the last minute and get angry because you’re asked to click a link and read something, or god forbid, CALL THEM FOR HELP, you can go fuck yourself. I’m not staying late and taking the next bus for you.
One of the things I often tell my students is, “we have this notion that us Spaniards are the only ones whose English sucks; it’s not true and anyway the point isn’t getting hired as a BBC talking head, it’s com-mu-ni-ca-tion.”
Your boss is a native speaker, right? I think I’m going to save that line as an example of perfect Chinglish from someone who damnit, doesn’t even have the excuse of being a foreigner!
My husband saw this note posted on a place where people at his jobsite kept putting stuff:
I’m sure he feels your pain. 
My boss has painted herself into a corner and doesn’t know how to get out.
I need help with a project regarding one system that I administer for my department, and also I need someone to learn enough about that system to take over from me when I retire. She had a candidate, and she told me who it was. I said, if he’s interested I will be happy to work with him.
The thing is, I knew he would never want to work with me. He has avoided me since he came here and even when I needed to talk to him about business, he avoided it as much as possible. I don’t know why, but probably I just creep him out, since I’m 64 and he’s maybe 24.
So now my boss has to tell me that he isn’t interested and has to figure out some way to put it (she thinks) so it won’t hurt my feelings. So far, she’s just avoiding the issue. I’m not going to bring it up again, I’ve asked her twice about it already and she keeps making excuses.
I really don’t know what we’re going to do. I suppose she could order someone to work with me, but she won’t. So the project will be delayed and there won’t be anyone to take over for me when I leave. Whatever, not my problem any more.
Roddy
My supervisor had a meeting tonight about why the department I’m unofficially in charge of has worse numbers than the same department on day shift, even though they have fewer workers. We talked about why, but it wasn’t until I was on the bus home that I realized it boils down to this: we usually have to clean-up their mess!
I’ve worked with that situation, too.
One solution is that you, as supervisor, create a time category for “cleaning-up 1st shift mess” and tell your people to charge their time to that category when appropriate. Then after a few weeks you will have real numbers to show your boss.
[Probably call it something more discrete than “cleaning-up 1st shift mess” – maybe “unfinished projects” or something.]
And don’t complain about doing this – it’s good service to your customers to have your shift take over unfinished tasks & get them done that day. You just want your boss to be aware that 2nd shift is doing this, and it affects their total productivity.
ring
Me: (usual welcome babble)
Irate Client: YOU took my money!
Me: Let’s take a look at your case…yes, the State did garnish your refund as you have not paid. Cases certify for garnishment once it meets certain criteria (explains criteria)
Irate Client: But I NEED that money!
Me: I’m sorry, I do not have the ability to refund this payment
Irate Client: If you send me my money back, I’ll be able to pay you!
Me: Well, then, I just saved you the cost of a stamp.
Irate Client: BITCH!
click
Oh, how I love Mondays.