I know you’re too wise to get into any kind of a contest, but they sell an app that can turn your iphone into a bagpipe simulator. That would escalate from bagpipes to learning to play bagpipes.
Are you sure it’s not a Bob Dylan album? He sounds like bagpipes to me.
Early in my career, I landed what I thought was a full salaried, get the job done type job that I was told as a child was the ideal. No punching timecards, just go and do the job and go home.
At the end of the first week, I was told to submit a timesheet. I filled one out honestly, indicating time actually spent. The total came out to 38 hours (there had been no allegation that I had failed to accomplish anything I was asked to do, or that I had missed any deadlines). My boss’s boss had a conniption fit over that and said that there is simply no way to accept such a timesheet because FULL TIME EMPLOYEES MUST WORK A MINIMUM OF 40 HOURS A WEEK! He then told me that I had to falsify my timesheet and list 40 hours or else HR would harass the team and cause bad things to happen.
Idiots.
At another job, I was told that plans had been changed at the last minute, but that we should still fill out our timesheets as if we were still doing what was planned, “because that’s what was planned”.
Managers, why do these things happen? Isn’t the point of having timesheets to gain an understanding of how long things take? Do you just like to jerk off to pretty looking forms that have exactly the planned number of hours on the planned projects? Asking staff to do these kind of things creates metrics that are useless.
I’ve noticed that there are two kinds of training. One kind is typically requested by supervisors and relates to stuff that one actually needs to know. The other kind is from HR and is mostly related to compliance checkoffs so they can say that yes, 90% of our employees are trained in X, Y, and Z!
Compliance training had a typical presentation. The entire training would consist of “Read this article (or watch this slideshow) and answer the questions below”. The questions would literally be taken directly from the material with only minimal rewording. There were no synthesis, higher logic, or application/practical skills requirements. It was all 4th grade reading comprehension stuff. If the training was on a computer (“Computer Based Training”), and the training was open-book (which it almost always was), you could simply copypaste snippets of the question into your browser search box and find the answer easily.
E.g.
Article:
“…Employees must store confidential documents in departmental red folders. No other storage location is authorized. Departmental red folders are found in each department’s head office. Departmental blue folders are for non-confidential interdepartmental correspondence…”
Test:
"Where must confidential documents be stored?
A: In a trash can
B: Tahiti
C: Departmental red folders, which are found in each department’s head office
D: Underneath laser printers
"
"
That has so much potential. I’m not the most mature person in the world, but I know better than to escalate things, so I won’t turn up my music or do anything else to annoy her. Except maybe if I need to cut loose with an SBD, I’ll do it right outside her office door.
**
SpazCat**, it was definitely bagpipes. This morning it’s some kind of shrieky flute music. It’s so relaxing!! We’re right next to the department head’s office, and she turns on her radio (really loud) when she’s here, but that’s okay, she’s the department head. My Annoying Coworker used to only listen to music when the department head is out, but now she’s doing it when the department head is here, so now there’s two loud radios and I’m very easily distracted. I have a door that I can close when it gets too loud, but my supervisor wants to take that away. I may need to find a new job soon. 
Ha! So Annoying Coworker switched to a very annoying clinky music (maybe gamelan music, I don’t know), and our department head told her it was very annoying and she should either turn it down or close her door. 
Okay, going from bagpipes to shrieky flutes to gamelans definitely indicates that there was something deliberate going on. Maybe Annoying Coworker was trying to preemptively manipulate the supervisor into thinking that removing office doors is just generally a bad idea?
Get some recordings of didgeridoo solos. Put on a playback device, with volume set to just audible. Crank up the bass. Set near the offenders. Enjoy.
I like the way you think! That is just delightful. I could also start wearing weird perfumes, because she freaks out when there are unfamiliar smells in the office. That could be fun too. (I’m not sure if I’ve told this story before–she is the person who burnt fish in the microwave and didn’t think it was a big deal).
kaylasdad99, she’s either completely oblivious or she tries to be annoying. I’m going with Option B, which is why I don’t ask her to turn the music down, because then she’ll know it annoys me and she’ll do it more, because that’s the kind of person she is.
Fish?? in a microwave??? Oh hell no, it’s time for WAR!!! (even non-burnt fish is nasty in an office microwave; I once vented on Facebook about a co-worker’s evident newfound fondness for cat food :eek:.
So, alternating with the didgeridoo, try theremin “music”, or a high pitched sound like the one I used to notice in jewelry stores etc. - just outside the bounds of conscious hearing, but annoying as hell.
Or go with one-gadget-does-it-all: The Annoyatron!
I have several hours of podcasts that contain nothing but covers of “Age of Aquarius”. 
Would you like for me to track down the URL for downloading?
Heh, my company has a blend of this…a dozen or so documents that are “required reading” (they really are – they’re the basis for how we do our work), but there’s a very tight deadline for completing the work, and it’s accompanied by a little checklist to be turned back in once the reading has been finished. Strangely, we aren’t tested on our knowledge of these documents; I guess our ability to do our jobs is proof enough that we completed the reading?
My coworker Li’l Red has managed to get herself on the Specialized High-Intensity Training list. We got new printers with our new computer upgrade last week. She broke one of the printers yesterday. For some reason she thought shoving a pair of scissors in it was the way to fix a paper jam. I have a rolled-up newspaper next to me so I can smack her when she comes in this afternoon.
No, I’m not kidding. I whacked Detailed AGM with it last Saturday when he failed to tell anyone that the meeting room had been reserved. We have too much fun here on occasion.
This floor of my office shares space with one of our sister companies. I’m right next to the glass door that requires a prox card to open it, and I always used that door as it offered the shortest distance to the elevator, kitchen, bathroom, etc. Otherwise, I have to walk all the way around the building to access those amenities. Considering how much water I drink during the day, it saved a lot of time, for a variety of reasons.
Well, last night, those of us on this side of the door received notice that “use of the door next to Calatin’s office is prohibited by any person not a member of sister company.” Sure enough, the prox cards no longer work on that door’s sensor.
Now I have to parade through the office whenever I want to go anywhere. On the bright side, I’ve seen three people try to open the door this morning and stare at it with a look of befuddlement when they cannot. So, at least I’m getting a show out of it.
Oh. Sorry to hear that, but I still hope you don’t lose your office door.
Sounds like Li’l Red is in Departmental Employee Evaluation Program.* If she’s not careful, she might be sent to Employee Attitude Training.**
- D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.
** E.A.T.S.H.I.T.
When she came in this afternoon, she claimed she wasn’t the one who broke the printer. She did, however, admit to the scissors.
Still on The List, sister!
I never thought I’d be posting a workplace rant, because on the whole I love my job and it’s a good fit for me. But… but… 
I have a new coworker and she’s annoying as all get-out. She’s been with us almost a year, and we’ve been tolerating her as best as possible ( she’s the boss’s little sister so we are STUCK with her). This kid is not yet 21 and thinks the best way to dress in an office is with low-cut, extremely tight shirts that let most of her boobs hang out and with low-cut, extremely tight jeans. Admittedly, we’re a factory, so the office is a little casual, but she’s too casual. The shirts aren’t too bad to tolerate, but the other end? She cannot bend over without showing a butt-crack and her butt-crack can rival a plumber’s. It’s scary. It’s gross. It’s just disgusting. God help us if she ever farts, she’ll lose her pants before the wind stops blowing.
Today she was working in the hallway - we’ve got a row of file drawers built in to the counter out there and she was reorganizing files from one drawer to the next. Bending over most of the time with half her ass hanging out.
I was walking down the hallway with some papers this afternoon, doing my best to ignore the sight, when she bent over just as I was coming up to her and wiggled her butt. I turned away, put a hand over my eye and promptly ran into the metal door frame of my boss’s office. “OW! OW! OW! THAT HUURRRRRT!” I yelled and staggered around rubbing my face where I had smacked into the metal as my papers scattered all over the floor.
My boss said “Fluffy are you okay? How did you manage to run into my door, anyway!?” - and could I say “I was blinded by your sister’s bare ass hanging out of her pants!”? No, I could not.:mad: I mumbled something about having something in my eye and didn’t see where I was going when I rubbed it.* sigh* Sometimes I hate me for not having the guts to state the real problem. I really wish I’d told her the truth… but then I do like my job and want to keep it. Just wish that kid would keep herself in her clothes all the way.
So take pictures with your cellphone and post them online.
Be sure to note that people can come see this in real life at <company name & address> – don’t post her personal name & address. Post an anonymous comment on the company website linking to the online pictures, so all the other workers see them.
If you’re feeling less annoyed, you could start with these alternatives:
- print the pictures, and post them on the company bulletin board, inviting comments. (or in the company mens room.)
- email them to the boss (from an anonymous email).
Or for the full response: email them to the boss’s wife.
Give us a damn office already. You don’t know if our “client stream” is sufficient enough to warrant a designated office? Then DON’T time us on how long it takes to untether (losing all our programs), try to find an empty office, start our computers back up and then get the client. If there aren’t any empty rooms, we’re supposed to try and find the building manager and he’ll find a space for us. He’s always in meetings, so how does that work?
You can’t have it both ways: Claim we’re valuable, then don’t give us tools to complete our jobs. Stress time, then make it impossible to meet your pulled-from-your-ass metrics.
Other site offices have given us dedicated offices. When this site was preparing to open, it was noted that a full 40% of our clients reside in this neighborhood, meaning we were going to have a lot of client contact. This is bullshit.
And, to top it off, today we receive an email that an obscure office will be at the site once a week to “support” all other service areas. They will have a dedicated office on their one day.
Hmm. Our printer was broken the other day. There was a sign that said “paper jam” on it, but suspiciously there was a pair of scissors on the table nearby. There are never scissors around here when they’re needed; I’ve a hidden pair hoarded just because of that. I hadn’t connected the two items, until now.
It actually turned out that the problem wasn’t a “paper jam”. The repair guy opened up everything looking for paper jammed someplace. And then, reached into the recycling bin next to the printer and pulled out a long plastic comb-like toothed piece of equipment. That was supposed to be inside the printer. And was not installed in such a way that it would just fall out; it had to have been deliberately pried out. It took him a round trip back to his office to get a replacement to fix everything. But maybe I’ll go hide those scissors, just in case…