Surprisingly, I haven’t been sent a a ‘World Cup Haircuts from Hell’ site yet but this appeared in my e-mail over the weekend and I suppose it’s about that time again: World Cup Ugly XI
Nice to see Jeff ‘Mr Magoo’ Agoos in the starting line-up and Robbie ‘Sniffer’ Fowler on the subs bench. IMHO, Cesare Maldini is, quite correctly, a shoe- in for manager of this side and also any Haircuts from Hell team.
Opinions on the team selection ?
For UK and Irish Dopers:
Commentators, Summarisers and Pundits:
Whenever the choice is offered and I’m not elsewhere, I’ve always chosen the BBC but midway through the first half of England vs. Denmark (first occasion when both channels aired a game live) I converted – the lure of Big Ron and competent Clive Tyldesley finally overcame Motty and Brooking. When watching/taping at home, I think I’ll stick with ITV. Big Ron’s good and I chuckled at the comment he made about whether the downpour would affect England’s midfield and he said “…they have picnics in this in Manchester” – it’s the way he tells 'em.
He’s just more insightful and entertaining for me. Also, the gap between Motty and Tyldesley isn’t that great.
Favourite Pundits:
1 – Venables (ITV)
2 - Martin O’Neil (BBC)
3 – Robbie Earle (ITV)
4 – J-F Hasselbaink (ITV but now gone for pre-season training)
Can’t make my mind up whether Sir Bobby is not eloquent enough for punditry or if he’s just too diplomatic. Haven’t seen too much of Venal Vennison in the past few days and I hope he’s looking for a new career. Lineker and Co are just a tad too ladish for my aging taste.
I really dislike Venables, king of the wide-boys. Even Ron Atkinson is less obnoxious. Martin O’Neill I’m quite impressed with, because he actually talks sense, unlike that gimp Lawrenson.
Motty has been on world-class form, the most bizarre mix of irrelevant and downright laughable. I once read his ‘Diary of a season’, which genuinely included a multi-page saga on his attempt to buy a new aerial for his mobile phone.
One other thing: Bolton have signed Jay-Jay Okocha? How did they pull that one off?
I liked it when Ruud Gullit did guest commentary on the BBC. Boy, was that guy’s English atrocious!
A few gems:
RG: “Look at dat. What a sloppy pass.”
Desmond Lynam: “Errr… sloppy??”
RG: “Yeh. Sloppy. It duznt arrive in de right place.”
(I can’t remember if this was as a commentator, or as Chelsea coach)
Interviewer: “What if Chelsea had equalised earlier on?”
RG: “If, if, if. If my aunt had a dick, he would be my uncle!”
Valderrama would either be in the worst or best, I suppose. Beardsley - well, no competition.
<joke you’ve heard before>
While at Newcastle, Kevin Keegan watches his side go down to yet another defeat. Storming into the dressing room at full time, he shouts, “Dammit, it’s time we got some new faces in here!”
To which Peter Beardsley pipes up, “Boss, can I have one?”
Be thankful you dont have to put up with George (my life has no point) Hamilton, Jimmy (The sun is shining, the sky is a great share of blue… oh! And Shamrock Rovers have scored!) Magee, or Jim (auditioning for a late night chat show) Beglin commentating.
But, we have the living wonder that is Frank Stapleton commentating. He is priceless.
My favourite pundits have been Martin O’Neill and Peter Schmeichel on the BBC, and Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink on ITV. I thought Jimmy gave a dose of good Dutch common sense to the ITV coverage . Totally different from his on-pitch persona. The Great Dane, now he has a lovely voice. The little touch of Danish makes the Manc accent remarkably soothing.
Motty has been even more ludicrous than usual, bless him, what with his mealtime fixation. Tell you what I can’t stand, and that’s the Boring Kings, Joe Royle and Graham Taylor as summarisers.
Re the mingers - where the hell is Ronaldinho in that lineup? He has boggly eyes and a mouthful of boggly teeth. MING-A-LING!
…and while we’re on the subject, hasn’t half the Brazilian side been beaten with the ugly stick? I mean, Ronaldinho, Ronaldo, Roberto Carlos and Juninho are all two-baggers. If ugliness is a pre-requisite for success all we need is nine more Nevilles and victory is ours!
Twisty – I have heard Frank Stapleton and I’ve got to agree. Clearly headed one too many back in the old days.
Tansu – Yep, Hasselbaink really surprised me as well (I’ve got him at No. 4). I think he surprised ITV as well and I’m sure they’ll get him back when they can. Doesn’t beat around the bush, does he ?
Crusoe - Ronaldo…I can’t believe him. Looks like something that came out of a hole down the bottom of the garden. Makes me want to put some kind of protective netting around tree trunks. Mr Tickly - Oh yes ! Ivanov’s a definite for the worst Barnet XI – Chris Waddle with knobs on. God help him. Mind you, I saw some footage recently of the Dutch side in '74…very ‘Radar Love’.
BTW, I love that photo of Kanu in the link – classic case of the ‘face like a bag of spanners’.
On the ESPN broadcast of the England Demark game in the USA, the color commentator, one time Irishman Tommy Smith, repeatedly referred to the Danes as ‘Sweden’. Long about the 85th minute he finally started to correct himself. Guess he could claim to be sleep deprived, but, at least know who’s playing for god’s sake.
And I guess the USA is getting into the show now. Instead of everyone remarking how our whole team ALL sucks, now, like so many other teams, we can blame all of our disasters on Jeff Agoos. I don’t think its nice to pick on the aged and infirmed though.
I don’t know if anyone else heard that stat from yesterday which ‘apparently’ resulted in a front-page newspaper appeal from the Japanese water authority (or whatever they call it):
It seems that in a five-minute period at half-time in the Japan vs. Turkey game, 8.8 million Japanese flushed their toilets. And that doesn’t take account of all those steaming their glasses at public conveniences… who said dribbling wasn’t part of the modern game ??
Can you English folks understand a word Gazza is saying? Even by his usual standards, he sounds completely sloshed every time I see him.
And I’ll probably get lynched for saying this, but Damien Duff really should have been on that Ugly XI. An unspeakably talented player, but let’s face it, the guy looks like Frankenstein.
I actually worry for Gazza. I hope it’s just the way he speaks but, while he always spoke in that incomprehensible accent, I don’t recall him being this slurry in the past. I have no medical training but I do find myself wondering if it’s an early symptom of something more serious. Really hope not but it just seems odd.
