Six or seven years ago my parents got me a leather jacket that was very obviously 4 or 5 sizes too small, and a ziploc bag full of cologne samples from some department store. I don’t wear cologne and couldn’t wear the jacket. I just left them there.
I haven’t received anything from them for Christmas since then.
When we were 10 and 12, my older brother and I received novelty underwear from our aunt. They were briefs with Santa’s face on the front. The fly was dead center on his face.
One year a co-worker was selling crap from a catalog to support her daughters’ school. I forget what the catalog was called, but a good name would have been “Christmas Decorations for Trailer Trash”. I figured I had to buy something to be nice, but what? I got an idea to buy the absolute worst thing I could find, which was Santa Claus’s head molded into a bell, and then painted with a patina of fake dirt to make it seem to be a family heirloom.
I proudly gave it to my little brother for Christmas, and the look on his face more than made up for the money I paid for it. Sometimes it is better to give than to receive!
My Mother-In-Law has produced some doozies over the years. She’s not losing it, she’s just always been a little scatterbrained. The Pickle Fork (?) was the winner for a while…
…until a couple of years ago when I got a pair of brown “pants.” They were about three sizes too big and had a bunch of patches all over them like something a Deadhead twirler who made them herself would wear. Which was weird, b/c they were obviously store bought. Not my style at all. We all kind of joked about them, and my brother-in-law even wore them later over his clothes after the egg nog was flowing.
Next year I got the exact same pair of pants. She had no memory of already buying them and already being hassled about them the year before.
My grandma got me one of those terribly ugly hair wraps from QVC that you’re supposed to use when you get out the shower. Same one, three years in a row! Even though she knew my hair is super thin and drys within minutes of getting out of the shower. Two years later, she gave my sister the same one!
An electric pencil sharpener
Used.
I remember once when I was about 12, my mom (a divorce/custody lawyer) had gotten to be good friends with one of her clients. This client and her 3 year old daughter were invited over to our house for Christmas. I watched this 3 year old girl open the present my mom had bought for her–a toy baby grand piano that was sized so that a toddler could sit at it and play–then I opened my gift. Bed sheets.
Worst gift: I got a table made from a cable spool from my parents; they thought I needed a table in my apartment. What I asked for was a telephoto lens for my SLR. Big disappointment.
Second place: I got a waffle maker from a girl I was dating–even though I had never eaten a waffle in her presence (or even mentioned them, for that matter). My brother sure got a lot of use out it though.
When I was a kid, my brother got a guitar. My sister got a guitar. I got a watch.
Ah yes. My parents never, ever remember the suitcase rule. I always say I want iTunes gift certificates, which my mother has a problem with. (“It’s impersonal and you’ll know how much I spent!”) So I brainstorm for something I could use that’s suitcase-friendly, give her several options, and get none of them.
The hands-down worst was when she got my wife a Votive Candle Table Centerpiece Chandelier Thing ®. Let’s see if I can describe this: the round base was about the size of an extra large pizza, with a wrought-iron base with leaf patterns on it that extended to a rim that came up about two inches. A thick glass piece sat inside the bottom. Sitting on the glass was a foot tall wrought-iron tree thing, in which each level held a votive candle in a little glass cup among iron leaves. So you had six candles on the lower “branches,” then five, then four, all twisting around to the candle at the top.
My Mother presented this to my wife assembled, b/c she wanted to see it with the candles lit up. I had the pleasure of wrapping the whole contraption up in so much bubble wrap that I could’ve punted it down a football field. The box was the size of a half keg. It weighed about fifty pounds. Then I had to ship it from Missouri to Oregon.
Consumer note: Do not go to a UPS store the day after Christmas.
There was the year my grandmother gave me hangers. At least they were the frou-frou padded kind, I guess. I may still have a couple.
Good story!
I think mine never do because they’ve never flown for the holidays. They just can’t relate.
Good grief.
A work Secret Santa thing (which are generally crapshoots and one shouldn’t expect much).
I was working at a Chi-Chi’s Mexican Restaurant in Cary, NC. We drew names. I got a fellow waitress, Linette. The General Manager, Dave, drew my name. I remember I got Linette something from Bath and Body Works and there was a super cute stuffed bear (hey it was the south and I was like 22). It was beautifully wrapped because I like presents and gift giving. Dave went next door to the Rite Aid and bought some candy and gave it to me in a paper bag stapled shut.
I posted this in previous threads, but dammit, you’re gonna hear it again.
One year, I wanted the new Terry Pratchet book, Hogfather.
A book, mind you.
So on Christmas morning, I open the box and pull out a T-shirt that has a cartoon of a Saint Bernard dressed as a gangster in a chair and the title, “Dogfather.” She says, “I couldn’t find the book you wanted (ie, she didn’t bother to look), so I figured this was close enough.”
I use this story as an explanation of my mother to my friends.
From the mother of the boyfriend I had been living with for almost a year: a Braun Epliator - one of those doozies that rip your leg hairs out at the roots. Used. We broke up that Christmas, but it wasn’t anything to do with his mother. Well not her present buying anyway.
That’s funny!
Slight hijack – I once got a call from a telemarketer wanting to sell me magazine subscriptions. I said I wasn’t interested, but asked if they had Skeptical Inquirer. He said no, but they had National Enquirer, would I like that instead?
My Great Aunt was born at the turn of the last century, actually a couple years previous. She was religious, in the style of the time - she went to a finishing school and then a seminary for young Christian women with an eye towards becoming a missionary. This was something that a young spinster could get away with at the time. I believe she even went out into the field somewhere for 3 or 4 years. After that, she essentially became one of those women that are always doing stuff in church like raising funds and goods drives for the various missionaries the particular church supports. One thing she did was found one of the current batch of Childrens Funds charities. I really didn’t mind my grandparents and Great Aunt doing the missionary thing - we got to meet a bunch of missionaries and their families [and an occasional pet monkey] what I didn’t like was always getting various editions of bibles for Christmas. How many New Christian Worker <bloody> Testaments does a kid need :rolleyes: I can honestly say that I got some form of bible from her every Christmas from about the age of 4 until she died when I was 15. I didn’t find out until after she died that I never knew that she tried to get my parents to make me give half of my toys at birthdays and christmases to the church to give to others. :eek:
(No idea why I’m remembering so many of these)
This one happened to one of my brothers. Early 90’s IIRC. He wanted the just-released Led Zeppelin Boxed Set CD compilation. He opened the present…my other brothers and I were looking at it strangely b/c it was the wrong size and shape…then pulled the case apart…and sitting there mounted in plastic were cassettes. Mom: “I wondered why it was so much cheaper!”
My sibs and I agreed years ago not to exchange gifts. Mostly. One of my sisters *loves *giving gifts. She also *loves *dollar stores. You can imagine where this is going.
One year, we all got resin snowmen ornaments with our names written, in Sharpie, across the bottom part. One year, it was oversized Christmas coffee/hot cocoa mugs of really cheap ceramic. One year, all the guys got super cheezy “pocket knives” - so bad, they were dangerous to use. Last year, my husband got a shiny polyester necktie in silver with line-drawings of pine trees all over it, and when you pushed the magic spot, it played a gawd-awful rendition of some really bad Christmas song. I don’t think he ever took it out of the package.
Then there was the year she made everyone gifts - placemats. Nice idea, horrible execution. She printed out month-appropriate clipart on 8 1/2 X 14 sheets of paper (hearts for Feb, firecrackers for July, pumpkins for October) then laminated each sheet. A set consisted of two of each. Our dinner plates are about 10" - just a bit too big for the mats, let alone space for silverware and a glass or mug. Fortunately, the back sides are all white and they work great under flower pots…
It’s really sweet of her to want to give gifts, but I swear, I wish she’d just save her money. Other than the laminated papers, everything else has ended up in the garbage. I’m hoping her husband’s recent unemployment and hospitalization will mean they’re too broke for even the dollar store… Is that mean of me?