Think cheesy, really bad romance novels, the kinds you find in used bookstores, about 5 for a quarter-and that’s usually a rip off.
My contribution will be a passage from Deception, by Amanda Quick. All rights reserved. Copyright not owned by me. Excerpt heavily edited. Trust me.
“Sing your sweet song to me, my lovely siren.” …
“I want to be lured to my doom.”
*
“Jared.”
*
Olympia was still adjusting to the very strange sensation of having him standing between her legs when Jared put his hands on the sensitive skin of her inner thighs…
“Never fear, my beautiful siren.” Jared kissed the curve of her shoulder. “You will tell me when you are ready.”
Before Olympia could ask him what he meant by that, his hands skimmed along the inside of her leg all the way to the soft, hot vulnerable part of her that had suddenly been opened to him.
…
“You are already wet,” Jared said. “As warm and soft as southern seas.” He withdrew his fingers and touched them to his lips. “You even taste of the sea.”
…“Yes. Exciting. A little salty. Incredible.”
…“Jared. I do not know what to say.”
“You need say nothing at all, my sweet siren, until you are ready to sing for me.”
…“Bloody hell but I love your song.”
…
*“Mr. Chillhurst.”
*Jared rested his forehead on hers. His mouth curved with wicked sensuality. “Could you possibly think of it as a variation on that peculiar island wedding custom you once mentioned to me, Miss Wingfield? I realize that this particular phallus is not made of gold, but it is the only one I’ve got.”
*
Gaaaahhh…please, pass the bucket. Olympia Wingfield? Jared Chillhurst?
I don’t have the book handy but in the vampire armand, Anne Rice describes Armand getting a hummer by Marius compairing it to Armand loosening an arrow or some such shit. That one line made me put down the book.
I read one novel where they described the heroine as “running her tongue through his thickets of chest hair…” To quote Dave Barry, I am not making that up. Thickets, plural. Also the bit in Voyager where Diana Gabaldon spoofs romance novels. The Impetuous Pirate: Tessa gasped as she felt the increasing pressure of his desire making its presence known between her legs… Moving with infinite slowness, his engorged shaft teased aside the membrane of her innocence…
Of course, this description is supposed to be funny. Most of them aren’t.
The Hunger, as I mentioned over in the bad books thread, features the least appealing sex scenes I can remember reading. My (least) favorite one takes place between the heroine, Dr. Sarah Robets, and her boyfriend. They’re taking a shower together, and exchange these all-to-memorable lines:
Now, obviously, this book isn’t quite in the class of the others, in that the sex scenes are a minor part of a book that doesn’t try to be erotic for the most part, but…
Harry Turtledove’s How Few Remain, near the end…General Custer and that Irish waitress he met in Utah.
I did not need to imagine General George Armstrong Custer cumming on some young woman’s belly… :eek:
On the other hand, the scene between Mark Twain and his wife was really well done.
::Reads the above:: OK, it was a slightly odd book.
I had sex with a girl who said ridiculous things during sex. It was hard not to laugh when she said stuff like ‘Give me your tube steak, I want it’s creamy filling’ and ‘I want to come all over your cock’.
