Boo on you! Boo, I say!
It breaks my heart to see mayonnaise so maligned and disparaged that its whispered in the same breath as such abominations as “ketchup” and “A1 steak sauce.” Mayonnaise comes from a royal pedigree, yet now sleeps on the streets of culinary skid row.
What impelled such a fall from grace?
Seriously. Look at the marvel of mayonnaise. What ingenious kitchen alchemist figured out that egg yolks beaten with oil would create a wholly new substance? They should be hailed up there with the same magicians who discovered pulverized grain, egg, water and fungus make fluffy bread, or that milk spoiling in an animal’s stomach would make cheese.
These are the true alchemists of the world.
Yet mayo endures jests and jibes, being slandered with such names as “satan’s semen.” It’s criminal.
Hellmann’s and their ilk? Pffftt… That’s mayonnaise for people who don’t know what mayonnaise is supposed to taste like. I’m almost convinced that most people don’t know what food is supposed to taste like in this country because they’ve been barraged by MSG-ed, over-salted, corn-syrupped, mass produced food products.
Pure mayonnaise is oil (usually extra virgin olive oil, perhaps cut with some neutral oil), egg yolk, a little bit of acid, and some salt. It shouldn’t have water and sugar like Hellman’s does. It shouldn’t be made completely of soybean oil. It shoud have an attractive sheen and a yellowish color to it. It should have a silky texture. It should taste good.
If you ever want to try making it yourself, the general rule is one cup of oil per egg yolk. Use good EVOO. You don’t want anything too strong and assertive. Nice and fruity is the key. You can cut it half and half with a neutral oil to stretch it and relax the flavor. Start with one room temperature egg yolk. Drop by drop beat the oil into the egg yolk. Do not beat it in too fast or it will “break.” Make sure all the oil is absorbed before adding the next few drops. When you get halfway done with your oil, you can start beating it in a thin stream.
When done, you should have an entirely smooth and very thick sauce. It’s absolutely fascinating to do. At first, you beat in the oil and the egg, and you’re thinking “no way this is going to make mayonnaise” about halfway through and a tired arm later, you’re still thinking something went wrong. But then the magic begins. Your mixture thickens and you feel a great sense of accomplishment. You have mastered mayonnaise.
After you’re done, add lemon and salt to taste. You can now make the best turkey sandwich or potato salad ever. If you’re not used to olive oil, then be careful and go easy on yourself by using more neutral oil.
Long live mayonniase!
