Solve all your FTL problems with this one weird trick!
“We’d like to talk to you about Amway.”
Bravo.
“We have been receiving your marvelous messages since 1965, encoded in Jerry Garcia’s guitar solos, and we can’t wait to meet him!”
originally posted by Berke Breathed:
“Are humans white meat or dark meat?”
“Hi, um, Earthlings? We seem to have misplaced a few dozen Kaiju. If you’ve seen them, please let us know. If they come by here later, please send a message to [location] and we should be back this way in about 500 of your years.”
Dear Occupant
The Galactic Local Council 54789 has re-zoned this planetary body as a toxic industrial waste disposal area.
Please vacate planet at your earliest convenience. Dumping will begin within 7 glargooks.
We come to #MakeEarthGreatAgain.
And if you call within the next 15 minutes, you’ll get TWO…
“Houston you have a problem.”
“We come in peace to any society that is our moral equals. Worlds that embrace progress and justice will benefit from our incredible technology. Worlds that coddle the weak and sick will be eliminated. Now take us to your finest arena so we can see your gladiators in action, and show us how you use genetic engineering to create better fighters”.
Kneel before Zod.
Message from Tralfamadore to whoever might find it:
[indent]— Kurt Vonnegut, Sirens of Titan[/indent]
Earthlings: Does your meat go with fava beans and a nice chianti?
Greetings, from the good ship *Borgy McBorgface.
*
There’s no point in acting all surprised about it. All the planning charts and demolition orders have been on display in your local planning department in Alpha Centuri for fifty of your Earth years, so you’ve had plenty of time to lodge any formal complaint and it’s far too late to start making a fuss about it now.
“Which way do your proteins twist?”
Heck, with that we’ve at least got a 50/50 shot at being spared. Which is much better than most folks’ suggestions.
How about: “A GRB went off about 12 light years away from here about 10 years ago. We’re warping the heck outta here but decided to stop by for a minute to warn you just in case you hadn’t detected the subspace quatloo emanations. Bye! Gotta go! No time to waste!!”