We just finished having our kids placed with us. They were 5 (boy) and 6 (girl) at the time. We were working with a child therapist to help us newbie parents understand how to deal with our new instant family. She would come with our current social worker (SW).
So, we asked about bedtimes. You see the older girl needs more sleep than the younger boy. SW got a strange look on his face and said, ‘just put girl to bed earlier.’
My husband, the therapist and I just stared agape. The words, ‘you have kids, right?’ fell out of my mouth.
(Can you imagine how you would have felt, as a child, if your younger sibling got to stay up later than you did?)
Wow. There are so many better answers. First one that came to mind - as a non-parent, mind - put them to bed when she gets tired, and tell him he doesn’t have to go to sleep, but he has to be quiet. So he could color or read or whatever until he gets tired. And check on him in an hour or so, to make sure he’s not going to keep himself up all night. And there are probably better solutions.
This makes me profoundly sad, because it sounds like the MIL is speaking from experience. I’m hoping I’m wrong, and your ex-FIL was a stand-up, wonderful man, but that sort of “advice” sounds like ex-MIL has been beaten by a man in the past, and found if she fucked him more often, he’d be happier and wouldn’t hit her as much
My daughter’s babysitter’s mom asked if my little girl would be interested in coming along on trips with her church groups. When I told her we were Jewish and said no thanks she said, “But it’s a non-denominational church. She’ll be very happy there.”
When I was a freshman undergraduate, I spent a lot of time in the computer lab in my dorm, online chatting. (I made real-life friends too and was pretty involved in campus activities, so it’s not ALL I did, but I did spend a fair amount of time in there.)
Some well-meaning guy in my dorm noticed this and told me that he’d met some of his best friends that year, and I could too but not if I kept spending all my time on the computers, and that life was passing me by.
The online chat site (it was a MUD-based “talker” for those of you who are old-school) that I was spending most of my time on, is where I had already met the man who someday would become MrWhatsit. Walking away from the computer at that point would have, unknown to me, been one of the worst decisions of my life.
I wonder how awesomely he would have reacted had you told him you had parkinson’s? Lying is bad and all, but at least that’s a well known condition and may make him d’oh like Homer Simpson
A couple of people have made suggestions on how you can convince her that the internet is full of real people but how about going the other way: tell her it’s just like starting the day with a newspaper or reading a favourite magazine.
This is an amazingly timely thread. Just today I was discussing my difficulties finding a job and my recent and incredibly traumatic break-up with a lifelong friend. I was mostly asking if she knew of any openings in her company, but her solution was for me to stop being atheist and get right with God because after all, how can I expect God to help me if I refuse to ask him?
Or was polling people to be able to tell that someone maybe they should relax, having a child of the opposite-from-desired sex isn’t the end of the world.
Grandma: “my mother had me at 27. I had your mother at 27. Your mother had you at 27. You have 3 months to get pregnant.”
All those well-meaning people who, at different times in my life, asked whether I’d be a teacher when I grew up. Even at age 4* I knew that there was no fucking way I wanted to spend my working hours herding children. My current job includes teaching aspects but it’s corporate training, students are being paid to listen.
the first time I got in trouble, by answering “NO! All teachers are morons!” - I didn’t know my mother had a teaching degree… oops
I actually did that to both Bros and to The Nephew, but it wasn’t “bite back”, it went more like this:
kid’s nervous and, not knowing how to deal with strong emotions yet, starts kicking and biting everything in sight including me*
I grab the kid, hold him until he’s able to listen and explain that he shouldn’t hit or bite people, as it doesn’t feel nice to be hit or bitten. I’d like to show him, will he let me? Kid agrees (this is important - if they hadn’t, I would have said “ok, I see you don’t need me to show you - just remember it next time you want to bite someone”).
So I take his forearm and slowly (but not agonizingly slowly - just slow enough that it’s not a violent movement) take it to my mouth. Then I bite down very, very slowly and without teeth - building up pressure slowly just until the point when the kid flinches. “Did that feel nice?” “shaking head Nu-huh!” “OK, so will you remember that next time you want to bite someone, and not bite them?” “K.” And then I helped them come up with other ways to deal with the stress - ways which did not mean bruises for me!
Violent behavior is not a good way to curb violent behavior, but tell’n’show works.
Not only that, but sending wishes to a universe that is too idiotic to understand the word “not” or “no”. The universe evidently has the power to grant all kinds of wishes, while being less intelligent than many toddlers. Oooookay.
She suggested a fun activity, you expressed reservations and she told you shouldn’t be worried about them being too dogmatic. She could have used better words, but it doesn’t sound to bad, it’s not like she invited LavenderJnr to sunday school.
Now the true ignorant Christian steps out. She not only responded to your reasonable request by shoving the bible down your throat, but she also showed how little she truelly understands Christianity. God isn’t in the business of punishing athiests in this world.
I used to have severe depression (constant suicidal thoughts, three-hour lie-ins etc.), and I’ve made a lot of progress primerily by forcing myself to be more hopeful about recovery and my future.
Hope is important, and the crappy “self-help” book, the Secret does encourage people to have hope in the future. Sure, it’s hope based on shoddy grounds, but there might be some solid logic behind your friends superficially moronic suggestions. Maybe she believes the hope you gain from the Secret would be enough to sustain you 'til you find something real to gain hope from.
This has nothing to do with the person’s feelings about their pet. NOTHING.
In ALL circumstances, the comment* was inappropriate.
Saying to ANYONE who has experienced the death of a loved one “I know what you’re going through” is not a good idea. Even if you lost the exact same loved one. Even if you’re the sibling and the two of you lost the same parent. YOUR relationship with the deceased was/is not like anyone else’s with anyone else. Even if you think it is/was. You really do NOT know exactly what they’re going through. Do yourself and them a favor. Just. Don’t. Go. There. You’ll be glad you didn’t.
All you need to say is, “I’m so sorry.” Period. That comment is like the Little Black Dress- always appropriate. You don’t even have to clarify and say WHAT you’re sorry about… it could be your friend’s grief, his/her loss, the death itself. Just say, “I’m so sorry,” and let the other person say whatever they say. Then say, “I’m so sorry” again. It always works.
ThelmaLou,
Widow
*The comment was that X knew what Y was going through with the loss of Y’s grandfather because X’s dog had died.
I watched a limo driver do this in NYC about 15 years ago. A group of us watched him do it purely to see if the thing would explode. It didn’t but it did spider the windshield!
I do get that these statements don’t speak of enormous confidence that you can make it on your own, and that stings a bit. You may see this as “planning for failure,” but the other extreme isn’t appealing either. I knew that once I left home, I was NOT welcome to come back. When renting my first apartment in another city, I phoned them and asked if I could borrow $50 for the utility deposit, and they said, “You’re on your own.” And if I had gotten pregnant while still living at home, I was 100% certain I would have found my things out on the curb and the locks changed. Not kidding.
It seems to me one could choose to see this as them providing a safety net and promising to accept you even if you made some mistakes, but then I don’t know what kind of inflection accompanied these statements. Still, knowing that “failure” wouldn’t be a catastrophe CAN help with the anxiety of going out on that independent limb. I envy you knowing that the door to home was open.
All I know is one time my then-husband and I had moved out of state for a while (we were early 20’s) and came back to the hometown to re-settle there. We stayed with my parents where they lived alone in their four-bedroom, two-story house, and after about a week, my father said it was time for us to move out. So we did. And I didn’t look back.
Ummm… a non-denominational Sunday school is still a Christian Sunday school. The woman made the suggestion in all sincerity, because she didn’t see (as you seem not to) that a Jewish child really doesn’t need to be going to a Christian Sunday school. The fact that it’s non-denominational doesn’t mean it’s not dogmatic. Some of THE most dogmatic churches and preachers around today are non-denominational. A Christian Sunday school is where kids learn to be good Christians, and that is 100 percent appropriate for them. Not for a Jewish kid.
Don’t want this post to get kicked off this thread, so 'nuff said.
Church group activities still often involve religious references and religious training, even if they are not officially “Sunday school.” Therefore, if LavenderBlue is raising her children in the Jewish tradition, it’s utterly clueless for person in the above situation to continue to insist that a Jewish parent should be comfortable with their child participating in Christian activities.
It may be subjectively the same to that person, but the implied comparison is tone-deaf at best.
I may, subjectively, love my mint condition Star Wars action figure more than any human, but if someone was grieving about the loss of their child or parent, it would be a bad idea to say “I know just how you feel. I once had a mint condition Star Wars action figure in its original packaging, and someone opened it and ruined it - I was inconsolable”.
Note that the comparison above insensitively analogizes love for a beloved pet with love for a Star Wars action figure in mint condition, which I am certain pet owners would find offensive - that’s not a flaw in the argument, it is a feature. Not all subjective emotional attachments are objectively of the same type, and when communicating to others (particularly grieving people) it is necessary to remember this …
