If I were an organ grinder (which I’m considering as a new career path), instead of using a timid capuchin monkey to collect pocket change from reluctant passers-by, I’d use an adult chimpanzee to strong-arm high-denomination bills, jewlery and credit cards from all within earshot of my grinding.
Think of the embarrassment, though, continually being seen out in public pan-handling with a half-trained primate. It might be rough on you, too.
Yeah security monkeys, or ok chimps sound great except for the whole you know eating people’s faces and ripping off genitals. I always find it sort of terrifying how strong these animals are, hand-to-hand you could be the biggest, strongest human on the planet and you don’t stand a chance and they seem to instinctively know exactly the worst places to go after. I remember a couple years ago a gorilla escaped an enclosure and attacked a kid and bit him in the chest, it punctured his freaking lung!
<snip> Bolding mine.
You don’t need an ape for genital resection, just hire Errol Flynn.
Well… cladistically, they are monkeys. Chimps are more closely related to Old World Monkeys than either group is related to New World Monkeys. That is to say that chimps split off from the monkey branch after the monkey branch itself split into the two extant branches we see today. You cannot draw a “Monkey Clade” that does not contain apes. In the vernacular, we make that distinction, but it doesn’t make sense biologically.
Of course this kind of stuff can drive you crazy once you learn that humans are fish. 
Having said that, I doubt the OP’s friend has a chimp. It’s possible, but unlikely. Chimps would make wonderful home protection animals, assuming you want the chimp to protect the home for himself, at your expense.
Chimps are impossible to housetrain:
No sensible burglar (or anyone else) would come into your house because it would be a wreck.
And you can’t even get Michael Nesmith. Still, they’re not as dependable as you might think. There was that time in the late-80’s when they made that comeback, at that MTV function, when they got drunk, and tried to peel Bananarama.
Sorry. But I’ve been holding that joke in my head since the 80’s, and I had to share it.
Excellent decision; a dolphin would be a better choice.
He’s too busy singing.
If you saw a picture of him today, you’d not recognize him if the image in your mind is of the 1960s Nesmith. Funny how that is. I just saw The Force Awakens a few days ago, and Harrison Ford looked older, but no doubt that was him. Carrie Fischer, I might have passed on the street without a second glance, but there was a thin resemblance, and Mark Hamill… I had to keep staring at the screen and asking, are they using a different actor?
There’s no way anyone can really answer the question without knowing if we’re talking about a chimp or a pygmy marmoset.
Though, having said that; no. Monkeys are not great at home protection. They are good at damaging things, being somewhat short tempered and unpredictable, and aren’t a great idea to have as pets, especially by people who ‘treat them as a son’.
Some of the marmosets aren’t too hard to keep domestically, I know people who have, at home, successful breeding colonies that are part of the international conservation plan for their species, but all monkeys (with the possible exception of orang utans) are highly social animals which shouldn’t be kept alone.
I can’t believe we’ve gotten to post #32 before anyone mentions the poo-flinging.
I feel a furious fusillade of flung feces would rapidly repel any randy rapist.
The problem would be all the other days the critter was flinging poo around the house for no apparent reason.
Apes have all the common sense and decorum of a 18 month old infant coupled with all the seething attitude of a 15 year old delinquent, and all the strength and viciousness of a Rambo-esque comic book character. Not a happy combo to keep in the home.
Concerning Monkey vs Ape, is the differentiation mostly due to the fact we have different words for them? For instance, French does not have a separate word for monkey and ape. If pressed, they can specify monkey or anthropoid monkey, but that’s rare. They usually call them all “singes” and don’t get pedantic about them being different (not meant as a negative). I collect tarantulas and, in the hobby, it’s differentiated between tarantulas and true spiders (like black widows) while most people would call them all spiders and not really be wrong. It’s kind of like colors. If they have a name, we think of them as different colors when they are really just altered versions of other colors. For instance, Pink is really light red.
Actually, in popular usage it is perfectly correct to call the Great and Lesser Apes “monkeys.” “Ape” is the older term in English. A distinction developed that monkeys had tails, and apes didn’t, as in the Barbary Ape, a tailless macaque.
Eventually scientists began to classify the Great and Lesser Apes as a group distinct from Old World and New World Monkeys. As is often the case, a technical distinction made by scientists was seized on by pedants to insist that this was the only “correct” usage of the two terms, and that the traditional meaning was wrong.
Ironically, according to modern cladistic classification, the popular use of the term “monkey” to include the higher primates is actually correct. Old World Monkeys are more closely related to the apes than either is to New World Monkey. So the word “monkey” has no technical taxonomic meaning, that is, there is no group that contains all monkeys that also excludes the apes. The apes are monkeys in the same taxonomic sense that humans are apes.
Meaning people are monkeys. You’d be surprised how many people get upset when I say that. It’s not just creationists.
So I’ll say it. Yes. Monkeys are good for home protection. Get one of the smart, or “wise”, monkeys though, who know how to correctly assess threats and properly use a firearm. And make sure they’re well trained, and that their training stays up to date with periodic refresher courses.
These monkeys don’t come cheap though. You could, however, learn to be one yourself, or perhaps move in with one who already knows what they’re doing.
When looking for a home protection monkey, make sure you don’t end up with one like Mojo.
Apologies for introducing the ape vs monkey debate. It’s a distinction I was taught years ago when I took zoology classes at the LA Zoo, before becoming a volunteer zookeeper there. I appreciate the further clarifications.
I read the whole story too and the chimp can hardly be faulted for not jumping to action, since he was locked in his cage, as the other two chimps should have been.
Which makes us all monkey’s uncles (and aunts, or at the very least cousins, x-times removed)! That is, when we’re not fish.
If you’re looking for animal home security, I have to ask whether you have a yard or not. If yes, a small flock of geese are great deterrents. Oddly, geese can freak out people who wouldn’t be deterred by a dog.