Dear self,
You’re probably very confused right now, so I wrote you this note to help sort things out. You’re not crazy - you really are a man (most of the time). However, you have been given a glorious opportunity - you will be a beautiful woman for 24 hours! I have really been looking forward to this fantastic learning experience, and have prepared a to-do list for you to make sure this opportunity doesn’t go to waste.
8:00am - 9:00am: Wake up. Scratch nothing. “Tickle” everything.
9:00am - 11:00am: Shower and bathroom time. This time period is estimated based on observation of the female gender combined with additional time factored in for shaving in unfamiliar locations, figuring out bizarre new hair-care chemicals, and long periods of staring at your naked self in the mirror.
11:00am - 11:45am: Review wardrobe. Rate every possible combination of outfits for correct color-matching and style. Take detailed notes, since none of this will make sense tomorrow.
11:45am - 12:00pm: Drive to town at 85 MPH. When pulled over by the police, cry.
12:00pm - 12:45pm: Lunch. Find an average, desperate-looking male to be your rube. Flirt and convince him to buy your lunch. IMPORTANT REMINDER: order that quadruple bacon deluxe cheeseburger and the rube will know something’s up! The key word is “salad”.
12:45pm - 1:00pm: torture the rube. Ask questions like “Does this dress make me look fat” and watch him squirm. After buying your lunch, he’ll certainly expect you to give him your phone number. Tell him you have a boyfriend. I know it seems wrong, but you’re a woman now – you can do that kind of stuff.
1:00pm - 2:00pm: Visit the office. Hang out in the restroom (the one with the stick figure in a dress!) and take in the splendor of it all - the fresh aroma, the comfy couch - this is a once in a lifetime opportunity! Whenever any other ladies enter, pretend to be adjusting your makeup and casually ask, “so, what do you really think of that CrazyMonkey guy, anyway?” Pay particular attention to the response of that lovely young lady who works at the front desk.
2:00pm - 4:00pm: Shopping. This task should only take about 45 minutes, but there seem to be mysterious forcess at work that will require additional time. I’ve factored in extra time to account for this, but nevertheless, concentrate hard on staying on target! In particular, avoid any locations where shoes are sold. Your shopping list includes the following items, AND ONLY THE FOLLOWING ITEMS:
[ul]
[li]Lots of alcohol (you’ll be having a party later)[/li][li]12 sleeping bags[/li][li]12 down pillows, as big and fluffy as possible.[/li][li]2 blank camcorder cassettes[/li][li]AA batteries - you might need a lot of these, as your next stop is…[/li][/ul]
4:00pm - 4:30pm: the adult toy store. Please select the battery-operated assotant that least resembles a real penis, as I may be thoroughly disturbed tomorrow. Note also that it is more important than ever before to avoid making eye contact with any of the other patrons of this establishment.
4:30pm - 4:45pm: Drive home at 95 MPH. When pulled over by the police, fake menstrual cramps and an emotional outburst.
4:45pm - 4:50pm: Set up the camcorder on a tripod in the bedroom. Please double-check that everything is set up correctly, as this part is very, very important to me. Press “record” and…
4:50pm - 6:00pm: Masturbate.
6:00pm - 6:30pm: Dinner break. Make it short and simple, as you have important things to do.
6:30pm - 8:00pm: Masturbate
8:00pm - 8:15pm: I have written a sentence down that I suspect may be somewhat confusing to you. Remember, it was you who wrote this sentence, so if you concentrate real hard, I’m sure you’ll be able to figure it out. Your task is to translate this sentence into terms you can understand, and write it down for me. Please write clearly and don’t lose it, as I’ll be needing this sentence in the future. The sentence:
Remember, if your version of the sentence doesn’t result in you wanting to skip your grandmother’s party, you haven’t translated it properly.
8:15pm - 9:15pm: Bathroom time. I’m not sure what’s really going on here, as you’ve already taken a shower and done your hair today, but you’ll be heading to the dance club soon, and I’m sure you’ll figure out what to do.
9:15pm - 9:30pm: Drive to the dance club at 100 MPH. If you get pulled over, remember that you’re dressed for the club, so smile provacatively.
9:30pm - 11:30pm: Hit the danceclub. Bring NO MONEY whatsoever. Drink a lot anyways. Remember to dance only with other women - it will make you popular with the guys (more drinks!) and preserve my sanity. Once tipsy, strike up conversations with every beautiful woman in the club. Tell them how terribly heartbroken you are that you let CrazyMonkey get away, and how he gives you the greatest multiple orgasms ever, and how no other man could possibly compare, if only you could get him back, but you can’t, so you just will have to throw yourself off a cliff. Oh, and be sure to mention that he’ll be there tomorrow, probably looking for someone to console him. IMPORTANT NOTE -all those free drinks will probably make you have to pee. Do not go by yourself! They’ll know you’re a fake for sure!
11:30pm - 1:30am: more clubbin’ time, but this time at the gay bar. Make friends with all the hot lesbians. Invite them back to your house for an afterbar party!
1:30am - 2:30am: Afterbar party at your house. All that alcohol you bought earlier will probably impair everyone’s ability to drive, so you’d better make it a slumber party - time to break out those sleeping bags! Now the stage is set for the greatest moment of your life. Years of hoping and dreaming will finally come together, when the inevitable occurs…
2:30am - 2:45am: NAKED LESBIAN PILLOW FIGHT!!!
2:45am - 3:00am: Insert a new blank tape into the camcorder. Verify that everything is set up correctly and press “Record”.
3:00am - 4:30am: Hot lesbian orgy. Don’t be shy – have fun! And make sure everyone gets involved equally!
4:30am - 8:00am: Select your favorite lesbian and bring her to your bedroom. Snuggle up for a good night’s rest.
8:00am: Return to your old, male body. Wait for your partner to wake up and see your true self. The look on her face will be priceless…
Well, that about does it. Remember to stick to the schedule, and have fun!