My friend and I got into an argument about this the other day. I said I would divorce my wife if the injury was really bad. We were talking about an injury that leaves the person with the mental capacity of a 3 year old. She said she would stay because you marry the person in sickness and health. My reason for saying I would divorce the person is that I married the physical person and I don’t believe in souls. When someone gets an injury that completely changes their mental capacity she basically is no longer the same person. It is not like she broke her neck and and is in a wheel chair. I would stay in that case because she is still the same person. But with an injury that damages the brain the person can be lost in a worst case.
I would still be responsible and make sure she is taken care of in memory of the person she was.
I also would not expect or want a woman to stay married to me if I was injuried like this.
It would certainly be my intention to remain married and care for my wife if 9God forbid) she was incapacitated in this way; that is, after all, the entire point of vowing to do so when we married (or else what the helll was all that about?). I know I am a weak and fallible person; maybe I would fail in this venture, but I certainly wouldn’t plan to walk away.
Not to be heartless, but I do feel it should be a grounds for legal divorce (which it isn’t in all states). If I were left in a Schiavo-like condition I know that I would want my partner to move on with his life. (Of course if stem cell research or something like it restored me to full mental capacity I would then find him and whip his ass, but hopefully he’d have some good times in the meanwhile.)
I should probably add, for clarity, that I have no particular qualms about the idea of people omitting clauses from their marriage vows; as long as it is done with mutual consent, although there is also logically a point where, if you remove enough of the conditions, it simply wouldn’t be marriage any more. If you can’t walk the walk, don’t talk the talk; it’s more or less that simple.
"Would you divorce your spouse if they got a severe mental handicap in accident; and you knew that your spouse was never going to see your answer?"
I would say no, and believe it. But I don’t know how strong I’d be.
I can’t help but thing of the converse. If I was a burden that was little or no source of joy to her, I would truly want her to put me in a caring place and move on.
I would not divorce my husband for the simple reason that I would not trust decisions about his care to anyone else. We’ve discussed this before, he and I, and I know what his wishes are in this circumstance.
While I don’t think his parents could be as selfish and cruel as the Schindlers, tradgedy changes people. It’s my duty as his wife to see that his wishes are done, as hard as it may be.
If my insurance was running out, there was no “deep pockets” person to sue for the money to keep her in the convalescent home, and Medicaid wasn’t available due to the property and income of her “rich” spouse; I’d do it if there was a way I could finagle legal guardianship anyway.
The devil is obviously in the details on something like this, but as stated (mental capacity of a three-year-old) I’d say almost certainly yes, I would divorce her (or at least try to move on with my life).
The way I see it, if an accident makes it permanently impossible for a husband and wife to meaningfully relate to one another as such, he is still responsible for taking care of her, but he doesn’t have to act like they still relate as husband and wife.
If it were me in the accident, I would hope that my wife could find companionship with someone else, and I’d fully expect her to do so. I’d probably rather she not divorce me, though, because I don’t trust anyone else in my family (namely my parents) to make medical decisions based on my wishes in tough situations; they’d probably know what I would want, but they probably wouldn’t agree, and wouldn’t be able to do it.
I don’t know if I’d divorce them, because I would still want to have a say in their care. I would, however, find meaningful companionship with someone who could reciprocate, and I’d hope that they’d do the same if they were in the same situation. Might cause problems if the person ever “woke up,” but I’d rather cross that bridge when I come to it than sit around for a decade pining over an empty shell. I’d feel horribly guilty if someone did that for/to me.
What would you do if the injury was not as severe as Terri Schiavo’s, but still led to major problems, say reducing them to the level of a lobotomy patient or someone who was speaking, ambulatory, but had the development level of a three year old? What if it just killed their IQ by seventy points? What if it left intelligence intact but took away their empathy and capacity for love?
Where Is The Mango Princess? is a book written by a woman who had this happen to her. Her husband got injured in a boat accident and his entire personality chaged. It’s been a while since I read the book, but she tried to stay with him after the accident. I don’t remember if she eventually left him.
On June 4, 1995 I was brain damaged in an automobile accident. I was 32 years old and do not really remember most of my life. It would be three years before I developed the mental capacity or the motor skills necessary to exist as an individual again. For the first six months or so my wife had to wipe my ass for me. In 1995 people were just starting to survive traumatic brain injuries and no one knew how much an individual would/could recover. My brain damage was the result of trauma rather than oxygen starvation like Terri Schiavo’s, they gave me hope.
After six and a half weeks in the Medical University of South Carolina, I was made ambulatory enough to assist in my daily personal care. They showed me and my wife to the door, wished me good luck, and sent us on our way. A physical therapist came by a couple of times a week but that was pretty much all. We live in a rural community, there wasn’t much help available, I don’t think. My wife was creative, she researched/invented ways to help me develop my motor skills again,i.e., learn to walk, feed myself, dress myself, wash myself. She taught me how to read and do math again. In time she helped and encouraged me to go back out into the world again and try to be a man. I went to school and learned a trade. I went to work for two years and now I have returned to school just to see how much I can accomplish. I had been a heavy equipment operator at the time of my accident, now I study civil engineering. I would not have survived if it my wife had not been there to take care of me and my family had put me away in an assisted care facility.
billsfootballbuffulo, I do not know if you have the experience or the capacity to realize how easy it is to get hurt in this world…in a big way. Over the past decade I have met many people who woke up and discovered that their world had gone FUBAR. That’s the way it happens, one day you are saying that it (insert acident here) could not possibly happen to me then you are an invalid. If it ever happens to you, hope someone is there so that you do not have to endure it alone. If you are committed to someone it happens to, be a stand up guy and not a DICK.
My wife got sick around Thanksgiving 2003, complications due to ulcers, maybe some heart disease. I was there to make her comfortable as she would improve and then get worse. She died of an overdose on June 28, 2004. I hope there is a heaven.
I discussed this thread with the gentleman I’ve been seeing for the past year and a half and am rather madly in love with. We met in Mensa and among the things I love most about him are his brilliant mind, his quick wit, the way he can match or even surpass me, the way he makes me think and in general, the way his mind works. We’re not married; there’s no formal committment between us, but we are rather besotted with each other.
If we do marry and he were in an accident that destroyed or badly damaged that brilliant mind I fell in love with, I wouldn’t divorce him. I take my vows seriously. You see, he’s more than just a brilliant mind and his heart and soul will not have changed. I know a lot of brilliant people. Some are good friends; at least one I wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole. Even if part of his IQ were destroyed, the man I love’s compassion, caring heart and strength of character and will, not to mention his sense of honor would still be there. I’d be a fool to leave that behind, and I wouldn’t. For what it’s worth, he said much the same of me.
I do recall reading in my College Psychology textbook that an accident can change even a person’s personlity, including strength of character and sense of honor. All of these quirks lay in the mind
I think you are assuming some kind of Regarding Henry transformation where a bullet takes out the part of Harrison Ford’s brain that made him an asshole workaholic lawyer. Is he still the same man if he’s turned into a drooling vegetable who needs to be fed daily with a spoon?
No, I’m afraid that in my case “till death do you part” includes brain death as well. Life’s too short to spend it watering a vegetable who can no longer recognize you.
And your spouse, if they’re not a selfish jerk, would want you to move on and have a happy life. I know I would want my husband to move on if it were me who was in a PVS.
I’d definitely stay with my wife, especially if she at least had the mental capacity of a three year old. My 3 yo son can feed himself, use the bathroom himself, and do a little bit of reading and writing. We can talk. So if that’s the deal, I’d definitely stay. If it’s a Terry Schaivo situation, where she is actually brain dead, then I hope I can have the courage to let her die with dignity.
Well, I’d probably stay married, but if his personality and intellect were gone, as they would be if he reverted to the mentality of a 3-year-old, I would say that he is dead and I would pursue another relationship.
I would want to be in control of medical issues, including honoring his wish to not be kept on life support.
His brother was on life support after he shot himself in the head. They decided to pull the plug, but I think some of the family members would have liked to leave him hooked to a machine, with the gaping hole in his skull. It’s certainly not the way I’d want to live my life.