Not really giving advice, just sharing my thoughts based on a personal experience. You’ll notice that I have few posts here, but this particular topic strikes a nerve with me for reasons that will be obvious.
My father lived for over 11 years after his initial diagnosis of renal cell carcinoma, at which time there was no evidence that it was anywhere other than his right kidney. In fact, all of his scans came back clean for five years after his surgery, and he was pronounced “cured.” Almost five years later, he had a cerebral hemorrhage that turned out to be due to metastatic cancer. Until that day, we had no idea that the cancer hadn’t been completely eliminated (i.e., he’d had no readily apparent symptoms). He lived for almost exactly 16 months after that.
His initial diagnosis was serendipitous, as it turned out that the symptoms that led to it weren’t even related to the cancer. Had it not been detected as early as it was, we would have lost him years earlier than we did. So while in the grand scheme of things, the cancer killed him, he did “beat it” for quite some time. With that said, my understanding is that his case was not typical, that this type of cancer is usually much more aggressive. In the case described in the OP, a diagnosis made 12 months earlier might not have made much of a difference. But then again, it might have. Medicine is only partly science, and doctors aren’t God. My father was a doctor—and so are many of his friends—and he would have been the first to tell you that. He had the best care available at the time. He died anyway, despite everyone’s best efforts.
At least three times during the terminal phase of his illness, he nearly died for reasons that were related to the cancer, but not directly because of it. At least one of them was a theoretically “preventable” condition that could easily have been overlooked until it was too late, had the family member caring for him not noticed and reported the symptoms. At the time of his cerebral hemorrhage, both he and the family member realized—in retrospect—that for a few weeks or months, he had been exhibiting very subtle neurological signs that neither of them had interpreted as being significant.
It’s never wrong to ask questions. For obvious reasons, it can be very stressful (and even threatening) for the doctors involved—even when they know they’ve done their best—because they’re human and can make mistakes, because many of their choices can have life-or-death consequences, and because their decisions can always be second-guessed. The good ones second-guess themselves. There are of course exceptions, but in my experience, most doctors care about the people who have entrusted their lives to them, and do the best they can to care for them with the information and resources that are available to them. This may or may not have been the case in the OP’s situation. Sometimes doctors miss things, even when they’re doing their best. And sometimes the things that they miss are things that can only be seen in retrospect, when the outcome is already known. It’s important when you play the “what if” game (and believe me, I have!) to keep in mind that the final outcome was the end result of a multitude of decisions—some big, some small—on the part of the doctor(s), the patient, and all those involved in supporting and caring for the patient. And that whatever the answers are, they won’t bring him back.
I’m sorry, fessie.
