From this article:
This could’ve been a GD too, and maybe it will end up being one, but I thought this would be more fruitful as an opinion thing: would you have kids if you knew you were going to die soon, and your spouse were willing? Would it depend on the when? On the disease?
If my SO were pregnant while I found out about my disease then I would leave that question up to her.
If I knew about my illness before anyone became pregnant then I would not plan to have kids. If anyone worthy (in my judgment) of becoming a mother asked me to have a kid even after knowing about my fatal illness, then I would go along with it.
The simple answer: if my spouse wanted it, then yes, absolutely.
The complicated version: this is something I would strongly consider, but there are so many factors. Each would have to be weighed and discussed and pondered and… and I don’t know what the ultimate decision would be.
I am not married right now. There is a big difference between leaving a child with one parent and leaving them an orphan.
There is almost never a 100% certainty of death. Hope for the future, in fact, may be a strong reason to decide *to *have children. If I have metastatic cancer, for instance, I might have a 30% chance of surviving five years, statistically. Is that the same as being terminally ill? What if I find that seeing my child grow up is my motivation for staying alive?
How would the child handle my death? They would be in for a lot of pain, and you have to decide if it is ultimately selfish to do this, knowing the scars they will bear through their lives. On the balance, though, we’re talking about a very existential question: is Life worth the pain? I think it is, but it is something you need to think long and hard about when it’s not theoretical any more.
How would my spouse handle my death? Ultimately I think this question is his decision, because he’s the one who has to bear the consequences.
Right now, without a spouse, I would not risk leaving a child an orphan. But if I had a husband, I would seriously consider it. It would take careful planning, especially in terms of helping the child to see that death is a natural part of life, but the joy of bringing a person into the world, and sharing my life with that person, is too… profound?.. important?.. to ignore.
Absolutely not.
I would consider having a kid if I were married but hadn’t had a chance to have kids by that point…AND it were physically possible to have a healthy pregnancy despite being terminally ill (that seems pretty unlikely, though).
Having kids is one of the things I’ve wanted most all my life (I’d expect anyone I would marry would want kids too), so when I realized it’s now or never I can see going for it even though it’s not an ideal time. Plus, I see having children as a form of immortality.
As for the issue of whether it’s fair to the kid or not, my dad was healthy when I was born but became chronically ill/disabled when I was a young child and ended up dying when I was a teen. In some ways his illness made my childhood harder, and I took it pretty hard when he died, but in other ways I’m really grateful for the lessons that growing up with a dad like him taught me about what’s most important in life, and how disabled people are still people. In fact, I feel sorry for people who have physically healthy dads that don’t show the same love for them that mine showed for me. I wouldn’t want to trade places with any of them. Most of us don’t have an “ideal” life, but we do the best with what we have.
I’m not having kids and I’m perfectly healthy.
I think it’s a bad idea. Enough people have kids that don’t have the brains or resources to raise them when they’re not terminally ill. But, if the spouse wanted them, I’m sure I’d concede.
My sister made this decision. My BIL was very sick with diabetes and she actually needed medical help for the conception to happen. She knew it was unlikely that he would have more than a few years with his child, but my sister wanted his child.
My niece was born one month to the day after my Brother-in-law passed away quietly at home in his recliner. I still miss him to this day, he was a great guy. My niece is a wonderful young women who is an RN and just got married. I gave my son my Brother-in-law’s name as his middle name.
Personally, I would not do what my sister has done so well. However, as I already have two kids, my perspective is different. I suppose if my wife had asked me to do this, I would have agreed.
Jim
Probably not, leaning towards almost definitely not. Why have a baby that I knew I couldn’t raise to adulthood? (And, it may matter–I’m female. If I were terminally ill, trying to have a baby might adversely affect either my health or the baby’s.)
The kind of illness might make a difference. I think I’d be more likely to have kids if, say, I’d had cancer, but they thought it was cured, as opposed to having something like MS or ALS which tend to be progressive.
It would require a husband who really wanted kids, and really wanted them with me–I couldn’t make a decision to have kids under those circumstances without him. (And if he were the one who had the terminal illness, I think I’d pass on the kids at present.)
No. I don’t think it would be fair.
Selfishly so, yes I would.
To me, there is no afterlife or any such fanciful thing, so my genetic heritage is all I have to go on.
The selfish gene within me wins out.
I don’t either, but that’s just my opinion. If my spouse were the one dying and desperately wanted a child before he died, we’d have to discuss it, but if I were the one dying, I wouldn’t consider it.
I think of having a child as a lifetime commitment. Sure, if I have a kid now, I could get hit by a bus or something, but I don’t feel that it’s fair to sign up for that lifetime commitment if I already know that I’m not going to be around to fulfill it.
Definitely. The main way to succeeding in life is to have kids. And they’d get a big payoff from the insurers when I die which would give them a good financial start in life.
Of course, since I don’t have a partner, and no prospect thereof, it’s rather a moot point in my case.