I never understood why a woman would stay with someone who hit them. I always swore that if I ever got hit, it would be over.
I was in a relationship in which I got hit.
I stayed because I believed she could be a better person than that. I believed that she was sorry for it, and that she wanted to change. I made excuses for her: it was because of the way her parents treated her, she doesn’t know any better, she’s never had anyone treat her right before so how could she know how to act. I loved her.
I told her after the first time that if she ever did it again I would leave. I said the same thing after the second time, third time, etc. I had huge bruises on my arms. Every time she swore she was sorry and that she would never do it again. I insisted she get therapy or I would leave. She didn’t and I didn’t. My self esteem plummeted. There was a lot of emotional abuse to. I started to think it was partly my fault. She always said “Why do you always have to make me so mad?” I knew better. Even as it was happening, I knew better. I knew I should leave her. I knew it was wrong. I loved her, and didn’t want to hurt her by leaving. I didn’t want to be alone. I was scared. I hated myself for it.
I don’t hate myself now, but it took a lot to get to this point. I will never let this happen to me again, and this time I value myself enough to know for sure. I deserve better than that.
To not completely hijack the thread, I’ll answer the op: If they raped or murdered someone, hit me, or did hard drugs I’d be gone. Anything else I think would depend on the circumstances.
So have you two sat down and talked this out? Perhaps get him into AA?
It sounds like you are looking for an excuse to bail out. I have been in situations where I have literally lost everything I owned and been so far upside down on credit card debit. You can survive it, but it’s not fun.
Question is: Do you love him enough to stay with him if he his bad judgement cost you everything? If you don’t then what are you waiting for? Oh wait, you are unemployed. Never mind.
I think you misunderstand. featherlou is not saying her husband is an alcholic or drunk driver or bank robber. I believe this is all hypothetical.
Her husband is a member of these boards, and likely to read this thread. From what I have read of him, and of her descriptions, he doesn’t seem the type.
Another vote for zero tolerance of physical abuse. My grandfather verbally and physically abused my grandmother for years before she finally got sick of it and told him where to go. Although I know how easy it is to get caught in the cycle of “It won’t happen again. I love you” followed by having it happen again, rinse and repeat, I hope that I would be strong enough in the situation to walk out.
So, I asked my husband the questions in this thread last night, and it was amusing that his reactions were almost exactly the same as mine!
I asked him if he’d leave me if I robbed a bank. He said, “Yes, because if you were to rob a bank, then I don’t know you.” And then he went on to say, “But stealing isn’t stupid, it’s immoral. If you did something stupid, like, give our money away to a con artist I wouldn’t . . . hey . . . why are you laughing?”
A couple years ago a friend of a friend left his wife when her coke habit got out of control and she was stealing the bill money and bouncing checks al over the city. I told my wife that that was about the only thing she could do that would cause me to leave, no questions asked.
It’s not the drugs though, it’s the debt. If she somehow managed to give all of our money to a con man, no biggie. . . I can start off back at ZERO, but if she drove us into debt, that’d do it.
Well, it started out personal (he drove home over the legal limit on Wednesday, which got me thinking about this). He’s not a drunk, or a bank robber, or a drug addict; he’s a hard-working, honest, reliable guy who sometimes has one or two beers too many with his friends on wing night, and those two beers could cost us a hell of a lot if he ever got caught. That’s what makes it so stupid to me.
So what most of you are saying is that if your spouse had two beers too many, drove home, got caught, lost their license, lost their job, caused you to go get two jobs to support both of you or you would lose your home, you would stand by them, even if they could easily have not had the two beers or called a cab or called you to drive them home? You’re a better bunch than I am, I’m thinking, because something that stupid and easily prevented is something I would have a hard time overlooking.
I love my husband very much, but he doesn’t get a free pass on everything because we love each other and are committed. My self-respect demands that he treats me and our relationship with respect, just like I do for him.
But, maybe I’m making a mountain out of a molehill. He didn’t get caught, and he doesn’t do it very often. Maybe that should be the poll. What do you do when your spouse drives home over the legal limit?
The situation you describe is a momentary lack of judgement. I’m not saying that I wouldn’t be mad, and we’d probably fight, but, assuming everything else in our marriage was OK, this wouldn’t even cause me to consider leaving him. It really wouldn’t even be a blip on the radar.
Look at it this way: if that situation happened, you’d have to get a job and rebuild, regardless of whether you did it with your spouse or left him. Assuming that you love him, why would you leave and rebuild on your own? Is forgiving him a lapse of judgement really that hard of a thing to do?
Here’s another hypothetical I’ll throw out for the people on the “one kiss you’re out” plan: Imagine you’re happily married with a kid or two. You’ve had your ups and downs like most couples, but things are going pretty well. Hubby finds himself on a business trip with an attractive coworker. They have a few drinks, one things leads to another, and they make out for a while, but nothing more - they do not have sex. Hubby tells you out of guilt, and he feels horrible about the whole thing. Do you leave?
Jeeze, that’s a good one, too, Athena. I guess these situations always come back to trust. I trust my husband to behave properly, but he’s human, too, and no more perfect than I am. I would not leave him over kissing another woman, but there would definitely be a problem.
The thing is, how many times does he push the limit? We are all saying if he did this once and got caught we would forgive. But does your hubby make a habit of drinking too much and driving? I guess wing night is once a week. Does he do this every week? Every other week? I think leaving someone because they got caught wrong. Leeaving someone because of what they are doing. (driving drunk)
My ex wife once lost, through being a total dumbass, my entire paycheck right after it had been cashed. $1100 cash, gone. Just… gone.
That’s not why I left her, however.
My wife now… we had this discussion a while back. She was talking about how she would leave me in a heartbeat if she found out I had cheated. It totally made her speechless when I told her I would forgive her, and hope that we could work out what made her do it and move on…
I would go though a lot to not loose this amazing woman I’m married too. I can’t think of anything she could do that would make me want to leave her.
This is mine. He doesn’t do it very often and when he does, he doesn’t get caught. In 9 years, I think he has been over the limit perhaps 4 times.
When he does cross the line, I wait until the next day to talk to him about it. That way he remembers what is said. No point in cussing someone out when they are drunk. They won’t remember it. On the upside, the “talk” works a lot better if the person has a hangover. It drives the point home much faster.
I think that whther or not I had kids would make a big difference. Forget and leaves the iron on and burns down the house? No biggie. Forgets and leavs the iron on and kills our (hypothetical) six month old baby? I don’t think I could get over that, even if I wanted to–I just wouldn’t be able to look at him without thinking about it, without blaming him.
How about lighting up a joint, getting stoned, and falling asleep with the smoldering butt? (Assuming both of you are okay with recreational marijuana use.)
