I discovered the limits of my progressiveness inthis Salon article where the mother has purchased a Snow White dress for the begging little boy to wear on Halloween, and the “progressive, supportive dad” is very angstified that he has some qualms about letting the kid do this.
Enough… just… enough. You’re his parent and he’s 4 years oid. You’re supposed to be providing some level of guidance to your kid, and you’re letting him dress in a fashion where he is almost guaranteed to be mocked by his peers because you dare not steer him gender wise, or suggest that any mode of dress is “right” or “wrong”.
We live in an imperfect world where gender does matter in terms of how people can represent themselves. Adolescents and teenagers and adults are one matter, but letting a four year unknowingly follow a path of behavior that will likely have rather negative social consequences is not good parenting.
Whether my kids are gay or not is irrelevant to me. The key is that he’s FOUR YEARS OLD! Wringing your hands that telling him “no” re wearing a billowy Princess dress will oppress him somehow is the kind self indulgent nonsense that gives the term “progressive” a bad name.
In my experience, all the kids want to dress up, no matter what gender, and 4 year olds haven’t had the life experience yet to teach them to mock one another for their fashion choices*. The boys wear dresses and the girls wear…well, anything at all, which is as it should be, I think. I can’t even think of a “gender inappropriate” costume for a girl anymore, so I guess we’re halfway there!
*Whether they’re mocked by the *adults *in the room may be another story, I admit. But I submit that those mocking adults are assholes who should be ignored.
I would. I think a lot of people are becoming more educated/open minded when it comes to gender roles/norms.
Side note, but it is all kinds of hilarious how something as simple as a four year old boy in a dress is enough to frighten people. What is it about gender that makes (some of us) so hung up?
Leaving aside the gender issue for a moment, do you seriously recommend all parents copter around their children to head off any and all experiences that might possibly be unpleasant for them?
It’s not like the kid wants to go as a fire juggler. True, kids may make fun of him–the same kids who will make fun of his homemade Spiderman costume. Or his non-name brand sneakers.
I might (but probably not) concede your point if he wanted to wear the Snow White costume to kindergarten graduation but for the love of all that is decent, it’s freaking Halloween, dude.
People are supposed to dress up for Halloween. Deal.
I’ve heard from parents that 4 years old is just about the perfect age for the little boy to demand to wear a princess costume. To the extent that there are peers, they haven’t figured out that boys aren’t allowed to wear dresses. As far as they’re concerned, it’s just another costume.
Anyway, why contribute to it? Childhood is short enough without stomping on their individuality as early as possible. Maybe – just maybe – if kids aren’t surrounded by parents who wig out when a little boy wants to wear a dress, they won’t be as quick to learn that it’s scary, taboo, gross, and unacceptable.
Here’s an awesome account, from a very nervous mommy’s point of view, of a 4-year-old boy who wanted, and successfully got, to wear a pink dress to pre-school:
Gender roles are good things. I don’t know about your kids, but my boys will be boys and my girls will be girls. That way, when they grow up, they’ll act like normal people and your kids will be freaks.
Your kids will pretty much be who they turn out to be. The non-gender-normative people in my life all pretty much turned out who they are regardless of widely varying levels of parental support, apathy, repression, or hysteria. The question is, will they have had a childhood of self-hatred and unreachable expectations or not.
When I was in high school, my friend and I took her little brother and his friend around trick or treating. Said little brother was six years old, and he went as a girl for Halloween. No one made fun of him – it’s supposed to be a COSTUME.
I had a ton of dress-up clothes when I was a kid, and at family parties my (male) cousins used to dress up in them for laughs. Once my cousin C.B. put on as many dresses as he could to look like the fat lady in the circus, complete with gloves, hat and purse. Chessic Sense: define “freaks”. :rolleyes: Or heaven forbid your child turn out to be transgender!
Funny that it was a Snow White costume. About 15 years ago, friends of ours had a 6yo boy who wanted to be Snow White for Halloween. His response to any teasing was “Duh, it’s Halloween–you’re supposed to dress up as someone you aren’t.” I think he survived it OK.
4yo is indeed a popular time for boys to want to wear princess costumes. I’ve known many little boys who wore their sisters’ costumes. Usually if Dad can’t handle it, Mom just makes sure the kid is changed by the time he gets home. Hey, they’re sparkly–what’s the difference between a sparkly blue dress and a Superman outfit?
Can’t think of a good reason to say no. The little one in our house will be 4 in January; this Halloween, he’s more than welcome to be Snow White if he wants to be. Or a monkey, like he was last year. Or a cow, like he was the year before. None of those screwed him up.
This seems correct. The only problem would be if some confused parent decided that a child playing dress-up was “transgender” and started going down that route.
What he may “turn out” to be once he reaches sexual maturity is anyone’s guess. Right now, he’s four. Indulging a desire to be a girl because a four-year-old boy expresses it would be as stupid as shooting a four-year-old boy into space because he wants to be an astronaut. Creating that desire where none even seems to exist would be a poor move for similar reasons.
Oh no, I don’t think THIS kid will turn out transgender. I was addressing Chessic Sense’s comment that kids who don’t follow gender roles will grow up to be “freaks”. THAT was my point. (And transgenders aren’t “freaks” anyways).
Letting a kid dress up like the opposite sex for Halloween? Like I said, it’s HALLOWEEN. That’s the whole point – you dress up! It didn’t make me a clown/Little-Red-Riding-Hood-/ballerina/Cinderella/gypsy/cowgirl/Cleopatra/She-ra/Puss-in-Boots/witch/etc.
Just because the kid wants to dress up as a princess doesn’t mean he wants to be a girl. It’s Halloween, ffs. I dressed up as a Care Bear at that age. Didn’t mean I aspired to be one.
Would you accuse a man dressing up as a woman for Halloween of wanting a sex change operation?
Of course I would if he wanted to. I’m living this with a 6-year-old in my family who isn’t growing out of his interest in ‘girl stuff’ despite (sometimes harsh) discouragement from 90% of the adults in his life and all of his peers… he knows he has to hide what he likes from most people, and it’s breaking my heart a little. They learn fast enough that the world is a harsh place for anyone who goes outside the lines a little.
My nephew was, at 3 yo, saying “when I grow up I’ll be a girl so I can wear skirts!” He didn’t and doesn’t, as far as I know, want to be a girl, but it pisses him no end (he’ll be 5 in october) that he can’t wear dresses. So-called-adults informing him that “boys don’t like Dora” have been told that “no, it’s stupid people who don’t like Dora and I’m not stupid”. I understand several of his female friends have had similar responses to people informing them that “girls don’t like Bob the Builder” (hint: don’t say that to a girl whose mother is a construction contractor).
And yes, many parents took “disguise day” at Kindergarten as a perfect occasion to let the kids wear what-the-hell-ever they wanted to; there were little boys in dresses and little anything in Mom’s shoes or Dad’s boots. Nobody insulted anybody, attempts to snag classmates’ headgear were promptly stopped and a jolly good day was had by all.
