Not adverse to the kid exploring the space but at 7 that’s too young to be putting yourself out there and deal with the name calling and negative pushback that is almost guaranteed to occur from other kids. I’d tell him he cold do it age 13. If he’s still all about the dress at 13 then he can give it a shot.
No.
Yes, I am a parent. So no, I don’t have any empathy.
Regards,
Shodan
That kid is close to the truth than most people would think.
As a parent I have of course done the “because I said so” from time to time, but only in exasperation when asked “why” for the umpteenth time after already explaining why we will not be operating a ferret farm. I don’t at all understand why a parent would make that an actual planned go-to for a new and earnest request. Why wouldn’t you want your kid to understand your rationale for not letting him have a cookie or go to a concert or play naked in the snow? How is it not beneficial to both the kid and the parent for the kid to be able to use that information in making future decisions? Whoever said they aren’t “obligated” to justify their decisions to a 7-year-old is mystifying to me. It kind of is your parental obligation to teach your kid stuff.
For this particular question, it seems especially wrong though. A boy who wants to wear a dress to school being told “no” with no discussion or explanation is going to come up with his own, and I can’t think of one that wouldn’t make him feel like a piece of shit. What is your reason for the no? Is it because you don’t want him to be teased? Or is it because you think it’s shameful and wrong? If it’s the former, why not just tell him that and help him understand societal expectations in all their arbitrary and often unfair glory? If it’s the latter, well then, yeah, never mind. It probably doesn’t matter what you tell him, poor kid.
What an interesting, if in places deeply disturbing, discussion.
I think the advice to talk to the child and find out why they want to do this is critical. If it is a transgender issue, then I think the advice given above to work into the practice of wearing girls clothes should proceed with some caution (start with girls’ jeans and tops, and progress to dresses over time). Of course if he says something along the lines of “because I want attention !” then I’d tell him no, that’s inappropriate, and explain WHY it’s inappropriate–as a parent I need to explain why decisions are made, it’s my job to raise an adult, and adults have to be able to understand thought processes, which trusted adults model for them throughout their lives. In this situation “NO, because I said so” seems to me to be more a “because I’m uncomfortable with transgender issues, or deny their validity at all.”
In all honesty, I don’t care if what my child decides for themselves makes me uncomfortable, ultimately it’s not my life, and I need to make their home a safe place for them.
I also think as a parent, if the decision is made to try out dressing in dresses (it may also be “because they look comfortable” or “I’m just curious” both valid responses) I’d start out at home–see how committed they are to the notion, and If they are, then go have a meeting with their teacher, the school’s Principal, and the school’s counselor (if they have one) and discuss what their reaction would be (they may be unsupportive, or even actively prejudicial). In that case, I’d probably tell him he could not wear the dress to school, but that he was free to be as he wanted at home (as long as it isn’t naked (lol)).
Gender is not a binary. It never has been: I teach Sexuality History and for anyone looking for an excellent book on the history of gender binary, and how the binary does not really work for so many people I recommend Shannon Dea. Beyond the Binary: Thinking About Sex and Gender (Broadview Press, 2016) ISBN-13: 978-1554812837
Maybe this is a result of wearing a uniform to school for 8 years, but I think part of the purpose of school is to teach proper attire for a given situation. I hate dress codes as much as anyone, but I comply, because life isn’t all about me. That’s why I don’t wear jammie pants outside (OK, maybe to walk to the mailbox, but that’s it) and why I wouldn’t show up at a job interview or a funeral in cutoffs and a t-shirt.
On one level, I don’t care what other people choose to wear, but at the same time, certain situations require certain standards of dress. If what you’re wearing affects what’s supposed to happen in a given situation, maybe you’ve made an unfortunate choice.
So, a boy wearing a dress in pre-school or kindergarten probably isn’t going to cause much of a ruckus among his peers. Same boy in middle school will probably have a tougher time. And if he shows up in a dress at a professional seminar, there may be professional consequences. I don’t have a son and I honestly don’t know what I’d say, but I’d like to think it would at least spark a conversation about societal norms and expectations. No high heels, tho - them things are dangerous!!!
People shouldn’t conflate sex with gender. People don’t have gender, words have gender. Gender, and language may be social constructs, sex is biology. We are born male and female. I’m old enough to remember my slightly wacky auntie professor in the early 70s advocating for “unisex” clothing fashions. Growing up has always been fraught with difficulty, I don 't think letting little Timmy wear a dress helps anything. It’s a phase they might go through.
I would certainly let him do so. I would warn him that back when I was a kid, a boy wearing a dress would have been teased, and that it might still happen. After that? Learning experience.
No. I’d explain it to him, but, as many have said, in the end I’m dad and have final say even if he wouldn’t accept my reasons.
In most places in the United States, a 7-year-old wearing a kilt would probably be treated exactly the same (for better or worse) as a 7-year-old wearing an Ann Taylor skirt. Different culture.
I think even fairly young kids are more aware of gender differences than adults give them credit for. I’m betting a young boy who insists on wearing a dress is not so much about attention in and of itself or some discrete aesthetic because it’s “pretty” but rather because he wants to look like and fit in with the other little girls.
Kids can change and maybe he will turn out to be a cis gendered manly man but I don’t think that’s the way I’d be laying my future bets if he’s all about dresses in kindergarten or 1st grade. I think it’s a strong heads up you may have a non cis gendered child and you need to be sensitive to that fact moving forward.
Some people have brought up the word “transgender,” which means it pops up in my search results.
I would ask the child why specifically they want to do it, and ask several times firmly and in a supportive manner - such as “OK, sure you can do it, but why do you want to?” If the child was not suffering from gender dysphoria and wanted to do it once, then I wouldn’t care. If they wanted to do it permanently, I’d really like to know what is actually driving it, so I could get them into supportive counseling if they were transgender. I might actually prevent them from wearing the dress in public until they had gone through enough counseling to prepare them for the mockery, taunting, bullying, and violence.
Here’s a good rule:
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If your son is cisgender, wearing a dress isn’t going to magically turn them transgender.
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If your son is transgender, believe me, denying him a dress isn’t going to magically change them to cisgender.
Something else that I don’t think people have brought up: before saying yes, I’d want to know whether it was the kid’s own idea, or whether someone else had suggested it to him. Seven isn’t too young for kids to engage in fairly sophisticated relational bullying, and one form that such bullying can take is singling out a not-particularly-socially-savvy kid and daring them (or just plain asking them, if the kid is compliant enough) to do something socially inappropriate.
Yes, I was going to say something’s similar. Kids can have goofy thought patterns and it could be something like
" We’ve been playing this game at recess and we all sit in a circle on the floor, except girls that are wearing dresses get to sit in chairs - and I don’t like sitting on the floor…"
You never know with kids.When my nephew was 7, he asked is Mom “Whays a diaphragm?” My SIL and been looking forward to this moment since he was conceived and she had " the talk" all ready and she added some stuff about diaphragms and contraceptive jelly."
Then my nephew said: “Why does my music teacher keep telling me to sing from my diaphragm?”
I have a question for the room. Is it possible for a child to be a transvestite? I mean this as differentiated from transgendered. I was under the impression that transvestitism was a kind of sexual fetish (for lack of a better term-- if anyone has a better one, I’d welcome it), until I met a few people who just really enjoyed dressing as the other gender-- it was mostly men in dresses, though. I have yet to meet a woman who dresses in distinctively menswear like white tie or a Zoot suit, on other than something for some occasion. I once wore white tie and tails to stand up for a friend at her marriage to another woman-- that was what she wanted me to wear. It was certainly more attractive than most bridesmaids’ dresses I’ve seen.
At any rate, can a child be a transvestite? or does it require having reached puberty? I’m bringing it up, because a boy who wants to wear a dress could be a transvestite if it is possible for a boy that young to be one, but if not, than gender dysphoria is the only really likely explanation I can think of.
It seems to me that a boy who is a transvestite is probably not going to be happy without an actual dress-- that he needs the feel of the fabric around his legs, or something, while a transgendered boy-to-girl might be happy with clothes from the girls department, even if they are jeans and T-shirts.
On the other hand, a boy who is a transvestite may be satisfied with just wearing a dress some of the time, and maybe sleeping in a nightgown, while a transgendered BtG might not be happy without being able to wear girls’ clothes full-time. As it is, though, girls wear jeans and unisex T-shirts often enough that “he” can probably dress in a way that is satisfying until “he” is ready to present as a girl.
Rinse, repeat.
Thank you. I’ve known too many kids rejected by their parents due to sexuality/sexual orientation/gender identity etc. It breaks my heart.
I have no idea how to answer the OP, except to say that however we responded, it would be in the way that (we felt) best affirmed our kid’s identity and sense of safety. If it really did seem like an issue of gender expression, we’d likely consult an expert.
i wonder how much of this worry about the boy being teased or is transgendered or whatever else is just our own prejudices coming through. would a boy get teased for wearing a dress? and how strong would that teasing be? are there any other boys who wear what we might consider “girl clothes” to school? maybe its not such a big deal. boys often wear hair bands and scrunchies and paint thier nails these days. its long been no big deal for girls to wear traditional “boy clothes” maybe the boys are finally catching up.
mc
Well, my parents, my mom especially, taught me one thing: Bullying is not acceptable, self-defense is, and a mom with a lawsuit threat on her lips is worth any number of school policies. OK, maybe that was three things, but it comes down to the fact my brothers and I always felt safe from bullies because we always knew we’d be able to defend ourselves regardless of what the school said.
So you’ll forgive me if I’m less than understanding about the hand-wringing about bullying going on in this thread. If my son wanted to wear a dress to school, whether he’d be bullied would be the least likely thing to influence my actions.
I’d ask him why. It isn’t a phase I went though, which means it probably means something I don’t understand, which means I have to understand it to be a good father. If it’s just a whim, we all deserve to exercise whims once in a while. If it’s something deeper, it deserves to be addressed and taken seriously.
yes, kids get teased for all kinds of things: for being too smart or being the only catholic, just to name two. noone here, i think, would recommend telling a kid to not do their homework our proudly display their crucifix just because they might get teased or even bullied. why, then, would you recommend they not wear a dress for those same reasons?
mc