Yesterday, I made a small donation to a motor-neuron disease-related charity. It was my boyfriend’s dad’s birthday. He passed away last spring because of MND.
It’s a silly question, but if you were in my position, would you tell your boyfriend that you did this? I do want him to know that I was thinking about his dad, but I don’t want to sound like I’m asking for a pat on the head or something.
I would; I do like it when people tell me they’ve done things like that. It’s nice to know that people remember your loved ones.
I’m stunned by the amount of people who remember my father’s death’s anniversary - I know some of them actually write down information like that, but some of the ones who remember, don’t. They just happen to remember his.
Yes. We recently donated money to a food bank rather than buy something for my 90 year old great aunt in assisted living.
And we told her about it, because it was in lieu of a birthday present she’d have to store or eat or dust.
But we wanted her to know we didn’t forget.
If you made the donation to honor your boyfriend’s father in your own heart, then the purpose of the donation was met when you made it.
If you wish to let your boyfriend know about it, though, there is nothing wrong with that.
I am sure that he will not think you are looking for a pat on the head, although I totally understand your inclination to not want to draw attention to your generosity. He loved his dad and he loves you…he will be touched.
Charities frequently receive donations in memory of others, and may offer to notify the descendants/spouse of the peron being honored, and may say who made the donation or leave it anonymous, depending on the donor’s wishes. When my wife died, I received many notifications from charities of donations made in her memory, some indicating the name of the donor and some marked “anonymous.”
Having the charity make the notification on your behalf may remove some of the feeling of “looking for a pat on the head.”
Sure, why not?
I’ve only done it to piss someone off (my in-laws got a donation in their name to planned parenthood after they started forwarding money pleas from anti-abortion organizations). But I think that if your intention was to honor someone then they’d be happy to hear about it.
Usually there is an option to have a note sent to the person just telling them that a donation was made in their (or someone they’re close to’s) honor. Also, it never tells them the amount of the donation so $5 is as good as $100. You can also have the note sent anonymously so at least they know that something was donated.
I “bought” my dad one of the laptops assembled by OLPCfor his birthday. They send you a card to send to the “recipient,” but I got to it a bit late, so I printed out the card and told him about it. (While I think you can purchase one of the laptops for your own use - I may be wrong on this - I donated the cost of one laptop to the organization in my dad’s name.)
Dad’s the kind of guy who has everything, and if there’s something else he wants, he’ll go out and get it. But I wanted to get him something thoughtful, and thought this fit the bill perfectly. He was pretty delighted with it.
For the question in the title, I most definitely would. For me, that’s the point: if I’m donating for them, then I’m doing so to make them happy. If I don’t tell them, then I’m doing it for myself or for the cause. I only donate in memory of someone if they are no longer alive.
However, your scenario is different. It is telling someone else that you are donating in memory of someone they love. That’s different, and I don’t think it would matter either way. I’d judge it entirely based on whether it would make your BF happy or not. And you know that much better than I.
Only if the donation was made to spite them.
By the way, when you make a donation “in honor of” a living person, the charity might assume that person is dead, unless you make it very clear. It happened to me.
Yes – it may bring your boyfriend up to better spirits for a moment.
Of course you should tell him. It will probably make him feel better if he knows you remembered and cared enough to donate in his dad’s honor.
I would be delighted if someone remembered my deceased parents and cared enough to donate in their honor to a charity that helps people suffering from ovarian cancer or disabled by a stroke.
I made the donation “in memory of”, which I think makes it unambiguous. 
Thanks for your thoughts, everyone. I think I’ve missed my timing this year but I will try to tell him when I do it next year, because upon reflection I do think it would make him feel a little better.
Timing? Are you concerned that you’ll bring back bad feelings if you mention his dad now that the anniversary has passed?
He probably thinks about his father every day, not just on the anniversary of his death.
If I were you, I’d still tell him. I think he’ll be happy to hear it.
Oh oh oh! I am so stealing this idea for a cousin who just won’t stop with the pro-life money pleas. Thank you!
Oh, I know he thinks about his dad every day. I guess I just meant I’d feel silly bringing up almost a week later. But if we get a quiet moment this weekend, I will let him know that I did remember his dad’s birthday.