As DtC said, it’s pretty obvious that BiL had an arrangement to pay for the others. The question is, why didn’t he have the same arrangement with his brother and his SiL? The answer possibly is that he just didn’t. My siblings and I have been to any number of dinners where checks were split or not split, or whatever, and we just have an unspoken understanding: we don’t pay for each other. It’s not a rule, exactly. We certainly would, but we just never have. We get our own and, if necessary, take care of our own guests, however numerous they might be. In a pinch, we’ll of course take care of one another’s guests, but we just generally don’t buy for each other. Maybe that’s what happened here. However, it’s terribly awkward that BiL had to annonuce it the way he did. Maybe Mr. jsgoddess, knowing that he had no arrangement, (and even not knowing that the others did) should have got in first to say I’m taking care of ours, so that BiL could say And I’ve got the rest. Then Mr. js could say, My, you’re generous, did I speak too soon? Can I change my answer? And they could’ve had a laugh.
Whatever. (I’m just trying to hang this on Mr. js.)
Because without a context for the dinner, we can’t tell you whether it was odd or rude, which is what you’re asking us to do. Things like rudeness, manners, awkwardness, and oddness are completely determined by context.
You’re trying to say that you went to a large dinner with 10 people and you have absolutely no idea why those other people were eating with you? It just doesn’t add up.
I keep feeling like this is one of those situations where you’re inadvertently or deliberately witholding the key factoid that makes everything else make sense. It’s like when someone calls Car Talk and they go on for 20 minutes trying to figure out why there’s a weird smell in the car before the caller mentions, “by the way, I left all the windows open for a week over the summer when it was raining a lot. Do you think that could have anything to do with it?”
I feel like you’re leaving out the part where the brother-in-law is your ex-husband. “I didn’t think it mattered!”
I’m on your side. How can you possibly go to dinner with family + random people and not ask them how they know each other? It’s practically Small Talk 101. I mean, WHY were they invitined with these people? If it was a large party at someone’s home, you would expect a mix of friends, not necessarily connected, but a small dinner?
Nah. My question was “Did he have to point at us and say we’re on a separate check?” As I said, when I started the thread, I didn’t know he picked up the check for everyone else. I thought that they were all splitting a check while we two had a separate check. It was only after speaking to my husband this morning that I learned that he had picked up the larger check, which explained why ours was separate.
yeah, I don’t want to hijack the thread but my FIL is like that, he never wants us to pay when we dine together. Every once in a while I get sneaky and pay the bill behind his back (I just excuse myself as if going to the restroom, intercept the waitress and give her my card, simple and without a show). Not often enough to make it a dick measuring contest but often enough that I don’t feel embarrassed to go out to dinner with them. It can be done.
js, how does your husband feel about this (him having the benefit of knowing his bro, of course)? Did he find it odd/rude/awkward?
I don’t understand why your husband seems not only clueless but indifferent, but he has my sympathies if your conversation went anything like this…
jsgoddess: “Why did your brother split the bill and why did he announce it like that? Is that normal? Did you expect him to do that? Was he being rude? Or is he just weird?”
Husband: “I have no idea.”
Does your husband typically give you vague or non-responsive answers? It seems to me that you were offended by your brother-in-law’s statement, you did find him rude. Is it possible your husband was trying to avert an argument?
It seems to me that basic rules of courtesy in groups involves not “singleling out” any members of the group, unless it is to honour or place special notice upon them (Birthday, anniversary parties, etc). To single out people by surprise, with out expalination makes this even worse. Ideally the “host” should have taken you two off to the side, before hand, and discretely informed you of the situation/motivation behind this, allowing you two the option to pipe up and say, “Separate checks for us, please”.
Awkward, discourteous, rude, petty, uncouth and more… Grab a thesaurus and look up “rude”… the entire list is there…
Pretty much. Count me in this camp. My general rule is that if you intend to pay for the table, pay for the entire table. If you’re hosting a dinner of a dozen, and then pay for ten people and not two, how can that be perceived in any way as being polite? It will most likely make the people being singled out feel like they are somehow not considered part of the group or not worthy of the host’s generosity, whether there is a legitimate reason for this or not. A conscientious host would never do this.
However, I too would be interested to know the context of the dinner.
I can understand it if the group is a group that gets together regularly, where the bill is rotated to the next person every time. If someone outside of this group joins (someone who won’t become a regular) it sounds logical that they’d pay for their own meal; maybe with a explanation for it when asking for the split.
Actually, I’m starting to reconsider my reply. Based on the information you have given us, it seems like he was rude. But there are contexts where it might not be rude, just a bit awkward, perhaps (since no explanation for the bill split was forthcoming), and voidsector just offered one possible scenario. So, without more information as to the purpose of the dinner, who these people at the table were in relation to the host, and how you got invited to the event, I’ll withhold judgment.