Write the police procedural version of the NBC-Leno-O'Brien slapfest.

It’s inevitable. We all know that. We can bitch, we can moan, we can scream in terror as if we were no more than Tyrrhenoi, but it doesn’t matter. Nothing short of an anti-matter meteor striking Los Angeles will prevent the networks from making a ripped-from-the-headlines version of the late night wars, and I’m all out of mass drivers.

If the gods were active, alert, and beneficient, the latest of the late-night wars would be mocked on the greatest of the police procedurals, NCIS, or perhaps on the less brilliant but still fricking hilarious Closer; if the gods were involved, either Gibbs or Johnson would, at some point, scare a David Letterman clone into pissing his pants just because he was so irritating. But the makers of man and beast are staying out of it. Yahweh obviously hates us all, or else Dick Wolf would have been dragged bodily to Hell in 2008 after that ridiculous prison rape episode; Thor’s off fighting Jörmungandr or something; and I don’t think Athena even has a television, what with being the goddess of not being stupid and all. It’s more likely that we’re in for a two-episode L&O TOS/SVU fest, or a six-episode CSI crossover, with two installments on each series and a lot of inappropriate cleavage.

I could be wrong, of course. Probably am. Anywhistle, write the Lay of Conan-versus-Jay as you would like to see it televised.

I think we would need to escalate to an actual homicide before the yarn qualifies for one of the A-list police procedurals. Until then, it is probably more suited to a “Two And A Half Men” level of show.

L&O: Original Recipe did episodes suggested by Britney Spears & Michael Jackson’s travails,and neither of them has been accused of murder.

Well, I suppose Britney does murder lyrics.

I’ll take a stab at this.

An episode featuring the murder of the host of The Tonight Show would be a little too much, so let’s say a gruff superintendant and one of his tenants are arguing about the lack of heat in their building when they find the murdered body of Len Jayo, the host of some evening talk show. The dead host had a bitter rivalry with another recently fired talk show host, Brian Conando, who becomes a suspect when it turns out he can’t account for his whereabouts the night of the murder. It’s known he bore a grudge against the dead man and talked about what he would like to do to him. The cops tail him and they grill him. Conando is hiding something.

Interviews (and the autopsy) shows Jayo drank a lot of coffee at a local shop before he was killed. It seems he was supposed to meet with someone but nobody can say who it was. But Conando was seen drinking heavily at a bar across town around the same time, so he can’t be the killer. A young woman was at the bar with him.

Police track down the young woman and find she worked on Conando’s show. She admits they had an inappropriate relationship going back to when she was an assistant. The cops score an interview with the head of the TV network and find that word of this relationship was getting around and was about to become public because it was in the script of the monologue Jayo intended to deliver on his next show. This relationship, and not the network’s contract problems with Len Jayo, is the true reason Brian Conando was fired from his show.

The ex-assistant doesn’t care if her relationship with Conando becomes public, but she tells police her ex-boyfriend, a writer on the Jayo show staff, was furious when he found out she was not only cheating on him, but cheating with someone who competed with his boss.

The boyfriend seems like an obvious suspect. After he is arrested, he admits he was supposed to meet with Jayo for coffee that night. He says he’d had second thoughts about what the monologue might do to his ex-girlfriend’s career and wanted to talk his boss out of delivering it. But he missed the meeting because of a breakdown on the subway. When he arrived, Jayo had already left. His story checks out. But as he is released, he makes a comment in passing about how angry his mother was when she found out about the affair.

As it turns out, the writer’s mother is Mable Jayo, Len Jayo’s wife and agent, Mable. (He is the result of a previous marriage before Mable met her now-deceased husband. The writer and Len had only a professional relationship.) Mable, too, was having an affair with Brian Conando. After writing the un-delivered monologue, Jayo had put two and two together about his wife’s cheating. He confronted her and told her he was divorcing her, and might quit show business altogether. Mable confesses that, rather than see her marriage, reputation, and career go up in smoke, she killed her husband.

I think you’ve got it.

Make sure Len Jayo is sexually assaulted or his testicles are twisted off first, so the SVU team can investigate.

Thanks. Nut twisting would fit with that plot, I guess.

I should have included this as background: a few years earlier, Jayo and Conando were in competition for the biggest show in late night TV. Conando, a somewhat weird and occasionally creepy fellow, got the job over the more personable Jayo. But there was word the network wanted to reverse its decision, which played out in public as the two comedians sniped at each other from their two shows. A few weeks before the murder, Conando was abruptly fired and the show went to Jayo. The hostilities had still not dissipated, and two or three times in the episode, the police have to break up fights between fans of the two shows, preferably in costume or demonstrating outside the network headquarters.

Maid is cleaning up at The Whiskey in LA. She finds the body of Pat Shafer, band leader for Dan Numberman’s late night show.

First suspect: Dan, because Pat was threatening to out his affairs with young male staffers.

Arrested by the current detectives.

Updated suspect: Jayo, after they find out that Jayo’s numbers are going down, and that Pat Shafer has been writing parody songs making fun of Jayo and Conado’s conflict.

Jayo now handed over to the prosecution.

The Real Killer: During testimony regarding the conflict, Conado let’s slip that he was trying to hire Pat to his new show on Faux. Grilling examination, along with many questions asked and withdrawn, until Conado loses it. Pat not only turned Conado down cold - he started singing his next parody song about Conado that was about to hit YouTube.

Closing snark about all of this conflict over a medium that is dying when competing with the good stuff on Cable.

That’s brilliant, Marley!

Algher, your version sounds good too, please flesh it out some more and add dramatic music between scenes.

I’m wondering if either of your two versions can include as comic relief, a guest spot by a celebrity, whose incoherent ramblings prompt everybody in the scene to scream, “SHADDUP ALREADY!” (I leave the choice of celebrity as an exercise for the producer.)

And let me tell you, Jim Carrey is ready, too: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=glvGfQnx3DI

Inappropriante cleavage?

As far as I know, there is no such thing, unless your talking about Leno’s or Conan’s Man-cleavage…

Sure there is. The cleavage frequently displayed by the Emily Proctor character on CSI: Caruso is appropriate both in a professional sense and a dramatic sense.

Inappropriate. As in Infamous. The opposite (of appropriate).

You said in post #1 that there would be Inappropriate cleavage. In the quoted post above, you just listed appropriate cleavage…

Lenny Briscoe’s (Jerry Orbach’s) man-boobs would be Inappropriate. Among other things. Hence my observation that there is usually no Inappropriate cleavage on CSI, or Law & Order, since most of the female cast is easy on the eyes.

You are forcing me to be serious. You’ll pay for that. You, and your children and your children’s children children, but not your children’s children.

Anyway…Proctor’s cleavage, pleasant though it is, is inappropriate because it never fails to take the viewer out of the moment. Bad enough that every god! damn! woman in the god! damn! Miami police department is a hottie. But to highlight her boobies when she is allegedly working turns the show into a bloodier version of Three’s Company.

These suggestions all sound good. I just wanted to mention that a few weeks ago L&O Classic did a great episode based on Letterman’s affairs, in which Samantha Bee played the married talk show host who had secretly been having affairs with her female staffers. The murder victim was a freelance reporter who was writing a story about the affairs for a tabloid.

The killer turned out to be an employee of the tabloid, who was trying to use the reporter’s information to blackmail Samantha. When the reporter threatened to turn him in to the police, he killed her.

I though it was a very effective way to use the real story to build a convincing homicide case. Hey, maybe when they do the latest round of late night scandals, they could bring Sam back as “Letterman”.