Right. That’s my point. I’m not going to *not *say anything anymore because someone might have issues. I’m not going to not make bad jokes, and if so, it’s because they’re not funny, and not because the person I’m talking to might have debilitating anxiety problems.
Fine. Jesus Lords, if someone’s social ineptitude is so severe that all SOCIAL EVENTS are serious affairs, that someone is the problem, and not the people making jokes.
Let’s imagine that he wasn’t joking and you were there on the wrong night. What would be the worst thing that could happen? Would he call the police? Would you go to jail? Would he call all your friends and tell them what a fool you obviously are? Would he steal your beer and slam the door? Would he punch you in the face and shout “GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY YARD!”? Would he de-invite you from the actual party? Would he cut your head off with a shovel and use said shovel to bury your body in the backyard?
Probably the worst that would have happened would be a nervous laugh, an apology, him saying “That’s all right man” and then you going home, or to a movie, or out to dinner, or whatever it is you do when you have unexpected free time. Sure it would have been a bit awkward and uncomfortable, but you’re acting like the scenario of being there on the wrong day is literally one of life and death. I’d say this example is the very definition of harmless. You literally would not suffer any negative consequences regardless of whether he was joking or sincere (besides your own discomfort but you know that’s not threatening to life, limb, or livelihood).
Anyway, the other night at work my co-worker came in and said with complete sincerity. “Are you trying to get fired?” Now, my coworker is a very easy going, adorable, sweet guy who doesn’t even have the authority to fire me. But in that minute, I was genuinely afraid. “What did I do?” “The tester had her cellphone in the testing room with her.”
I knew immediately who he was referring to and I also knew nobody was going to be fired. He smiled his adorable smile and said “Wow, I got you! I tried that joke with Missy but she didn’t seem that worried…”
I laughed and didn’t give it a second of thought because it really wasn’t that big of a deal. He wasn’t being malicious. He just thought it would be funny. And guess what? Humor is, at its very core, mean. As Mel Brooks (might have) said “Tragedy is when I cut my thumb. Humor is when you find in a manhole and die.” Look at Shakespeare’s comedies–most of the humor in all of his comedies is extremely cruel hearted. Even knock-knock jokes are based on “tricking” a person (what is more cruel than bad puns?). Somebody has to be the butt of every joke. That’s just the way it is. Just because you don’t like it when it’s your turn to be the butt doesn’t mean that the joke teller is some sort of monster.
You’re wrong. And I don’t appreciate being called a ‘problem’.
It doesn’t help that I am overweight, so I don’t fall very gracefully. I kind of just plopped right down on my butt, like a fat baby. My coworkers had tears from laughter.
Dripping, I was big enough to avoid that ‘dripping’ pun, but you just had to pull me back in!
A scenario that would be gut-wrenchingly embarrassing for me is if I were wearing white and someone told me that there a big blood spot on the back of my pants and the first thing out of my mouth was “oh shit, my period wasn’t supposed to start until next week!” And there other people around looking at me.
It would be embarrassing to be joked with like that, but the thing is, I still probably would laugh. Must be a glutton for punishment.
There is plenty of humor that doesn’t make the person you’re interacting with the butt of the joke.
Some people expect that the social mechanic tolerate psychological bullying. If the joke was that obvious, people wouldn’t have to end the joke with an “apologetic” just kidding.
These folks rarely like receiving as much as dishing it out. If you escalate on them, like maybe faking a breakdown in response to your “perceived gross social error”, they often respond as the offended party.
I think you have to be ready to walk from situations like that. In a social situation, I turn around and get back in the car. No scene, just make it clear you don’t care to socialize with people that do that. At work, you report the incident to HR or your supervisor or somone higher up in the chain.
You can’t tolerate this stuff specifically because you react strongly to it. They will make you the regular target. It follows the pattern of physical bullying pretty well.
The people who don’t find cruel humour funny and the ones who do really seem to be talking past each other in this thread. I don’t agree at all that it is wrong to find this type of humour unfunny and offensive. If someone in my opinion acts like an asshole, I’m going to think he’s an asshole. Everyone in this thread (and in real life) are more than welcome to not agree with where I draw my asshole line, but nobody has the right to tell me I’m wrong for drawing mine where I draw it. I’m not really understanding why it is so hard for people in this thread to believe that other, normal people have different thresholds for cruel humour. It doesn’t mean we have some kind of psychological or personality disorder, are flawed human beings, or can’t function socially; it just means humans are different from each other.
I am pleading with you to tell me you aren’t referring to the ‘party was yesterday’ prank. If someone at work tells you, “sorry the meeting was yesterday…just kidding” you don’t take that to HR, right?
And if someone stone-facedly gets in their car and drives aways because a host joshed that they showed up on the wrong day, I would be like, “good* fucking riddance*, you fucking spoil sport!”
That humor makes somebody else the butt of the joke, though, and then nobody gets to be morally superior.
Other than the most childish jokes and puns (“Why did the chicken cross the road?”), somebody is going to be hurt/embarrassed/etc. Actually even “Why did the chicken cross the road” jokes rely on making the other person the butt of the humor–the person who says “I don’t know, why?” is being laughed at because he’s so stupid, he doesn’t know why a chicken would cross the road. It’s gentle humor, but there’s still a darker subtext.
Just… walk away. Tiptoe away from this clusterfuck as quietly as you can. Don’t even turn the light off, just go.
Hahaaa! I was JUST thinking, ‘holy crap, I really AM getting upset! I need a shot of Mean’s bourbon!’
Why is it wrong to consider him unsuitable friend material? What’s wrong with acknowledging that two people are incompatible?
ETA: I wouldn’t necessarily consider him “a bad guy”. That’s a little too judgemental for me.
I don’t know where the middle ground went to in this thread. How about, the people who enjoy pranking hang around with other people who enjoy it, and vice versa. But don’t castigate the other side. It’s okay to be different. Right?
You passive-aggressive windbag!
But that isn’t what the thread has really turned into at all.
Those that think the host wasn’t a raging asshole are NOT saying that they think the ‘prank’ was funny. And we aren’t saying that Dripping was wrong for feeling embarrassed or awkward. We are trying to find some middle ground. The idea that someone would respond to that gentle teasing with a utter straight face and then wordlessly turn around, get into their car and drive away…sigh…I mean. I don’t know what to say. Come on.
But some of you are saying that!
I think that a great deal of this thread fits under the “things on the SDMB that you never hear in real life” category for me. Yes, the host was being a little bit of a dick - I don’t necessarily find that kind of humor very funny. But really, for a stupid and immature joke like that to “cast a pall” over your entire evening seems a bit of an over-reaction. That seems to be the opinion of the posters trying to find a middle ground here somewhere.
Or maybe it’s just me.
I lean in your direction, Dripping. While I don’t think such a thing would have soured my night, I have distanced myself from people who routinely pull these sorts of stunts. I have noticed that these types of people quite often find themselves failing to be taken at their word, and have to do a lot of convincing to get people to believe things that no one would doubt if, say, I were to say it. The more “just kiddings” someone pulls, the less integrity their words possess.
I have only ever really been to one party that was like the one the OP describes, where we didn’t know anybody there except the hosts, and we only barely knew them. It turned out that what had been advertised to us as a “fun night out having drinks with a few people” was actually a giant house party complete with naked hot tub and a whole bunch of hippies celebrating solstice or some shit. Which, I admit that does sound like fun when I put it that way, but when like the 5th person that you don’t know comes up to you and asks what your star sign is, and you say you don’t know, and they look like you just murdered their cat, it gets old fast. Also, hanging out with people who are doing shrooms, when you are not doing shrooms, is about the lamest possible way to spend an evening.
Anyway. At that party, if someone had pulled the ol’ “You’re here on the wrong night!” schtick, I totally would have hauled ass back to my car and gone home. Not because they had so deeply wronged me, but because I don’t want to hang out at a party with a bunch of dicks. Now, if someone I actually considered a friend did that, at a party where I actually expected to have a good time, I’d probably just roll my eyes and say, “God, you’re lame,” and then commence drinking.
What the Solstice ‘n’ Shrooms House Party from Hell taught me, by the way, is: Don’t go to parties where you don’t know anyone there. I mean, maybe this works for some people, but for me that is just not a good time.
Wow. Talk about “defining cruelty down”. **Nava’s ** uncle was cruel - he’s the guy who told his parents that his brother had died. The OP’s host had a slightly lame sense of humor, and the OP has a problem. His reaction (“a gut-wrenching wave of embarrassment engulfs me”) is not the normal response to being told that you’ve shown up the wrong house. I mean, how do you feel when you call a wrong number? That’s basically what happened in this situation.
And…?
Anecdote time: I am so disorganized that I pull this kind of stupid shit all the time, for real. In the latest example, in October I flew to Ireland in time for a meeting that actually wasn’t due to start until the next day. Turned up at the meeting venue, called the guy I was meeting with in a confused and ready-to-be-pissed-off mood because he wasn’t there on time. He turned up looking puzzled, and told me it wasn’t until the next day. And it was just :smack: “oh my God I am such an asshole”, both of us laughed - and that was the end of that. We met the next day at the correct time and he made a couple of minor cracks about it, and we laughed it off.
Things like my genuine example above occur in life all the time - maybe more to me because even with a BlackBerry I still manage to fuck things up - and IMO it is within the “normal” spectrum of social interaction to be mildly embarrassed and to laugh it off. To be terrified of things like the above example, and to describe even the merest suggestion of it be “gut-wrenching”, is not within the normal spectrum.
I am also bemused at people categorizing the host’s lame-ass joke as “cruel”. If that is cruel, your definition starts way way towards the benign end of human unpleasantness. It’s just one of those things that people say.
I’m probably going to get flamed for this, but since so many people agree with the OP, absent a social phobia disorder, could it maybe be a maturity thing? Or an upbringing thing? Does anyone have a granddad or grandma who would have their evening “soured” by something trivial like that?