WTF is this stupid vampire thing?

I heard that Passover used to drive them nuts, until someone told them it was just lamb’s blood.

The garlic in the brisket would be a problem, too.

But, since the whole issue with silver has to do with Judas Iscariot’s betrayal of Jesus, does that mean Jewish vampires can see themselves in mirrors?

I remember reading a short short (I think it might have been by Michael Swanwick but I’m not sure) where the punchline was that the narrator was being attacked by a Jewish vampire. This meant that instead of garlic and a cross, he should have been carrying bacon and a Star of David instead.

That’s the one. It’s just not a very good movie.

My Jewish step daughter was afraid of our house in the woods at night.
Werewolves were out there.
I tried logic. “We know crosses aren’t magical, so anything frightened of them is mythical, right?”
“We’re doomed!”

I was never good at parenting.

How about THIS scene from The Fearless Vampire Killers?;_ylt=A2KLqIH4001TfSYAROz7w8QF;_ylu=X3oDMTBzcTEzcHZxBHNlYwNzcgRzbGsDdmlkBHZ0aWQDBGdwb3MDMjM-?p=Youtube+Fearless+Vampire+Killers+Jewish+Vampire&vid=0c7ced6cc0325228ca49ab1710bb1877&l=00%3A25&

And the bartender said, "What is this, some kind of AAAIIIIEEEEE!!!choke"

And the vampire stares at the Jew in horror and runs out the door! :slight_smile:

Heh, I’m reminded of Love at First Bite when Von Helsing whips out a Star of David and waves it at Dracula.** Dracula:** “No, it’s the other one.”

Actually Dracula makes a comment that Helsing should look for a nice Jewish girl.

Then **Helsing **says in frustration: “Aww Shucks! It’s the other one isn’t?!”

I’m a Doctor, I know what I’m doing!
The man is a vampire, not a werewolf.
Get the bubble out! Get the bubble out!

I can’t remember where it was from, but there was a story where it’s not the object itself that repels vampires, but the faith that the wielder has in that object.

One Yuppie manages to drive off a vampire by brandishing his wallet at it.

“Creatures of the Night! Shut up!”

But my fave bit is:

COMMUNIST PARTY OFFICIAL: Look, Herr Count, in one week we are coming into this castle with the Rumanian Olympic Gymnastics Team! Either you spend the rest of your life in an efficiency apartment with seven dissidents and one toilet, or you gather your aristocratic shit together and split!

[huffs out]

DRACULA: Renfield.

RENFIELD: Yes, master.

DRACULA: What is an efficiency apartment?

RENFIELD: I don’t know, master. What’s a toilet?


RENFIELD: I think they’re from the government.

DRACULA: How do you know?

RENFIELD: They’re wearing shoes.

Wait, was Jesus not the paragon of Jewish vampires? I mean, this whole business with his followers drinking his blood, what is that about?

Not much of a Pitting here. Let’s try this in Cafe Society.

:rolleyes: No, no, no! Christians are vampires! Jesus is a zombie! (As definitively and dogmatically pronounced by the Council of Chalcedon, 451 A.D., leading to the final anathematization and suppression of the Draculan Heresy, just before all of the attending bishops’ brains were mysteriously eaten.)

Talk about user names and posts being related…
We were in the Pit?!?!
I didn’t even get to say f–k!

I’m not familiar with the Yuppie bit, but the “it’s really the faith” bit appears in that X-Men special issue where Dracula turns Storm into a vampire (she gets cured in the same issue). Wolvie can wave whatever he wants but it won’t work, crosses don’t work for Kitty either but her Magen David pendant does.

I’d rather he doesn’t.

I was just wondering who was sitting at this Israeli Jewish Vampire marketing department and said, “You know where we can find our target demographic? The Straight Dope, that’s where.”