Yeah, I can ruin your day in nothing flat!

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

And without even trying!!!

I feel terrible because I upset my girlfriend without trying at all. I mentioned to her that I looked high and low for an official copy of my birth certificate so I could get my passport, and expressed just a little bit of frustration with her suggestions by saying “I know what I need to do”, and suddenly I’m being mean to her.

Then, I try to explain why I was a little short by stating that I wasn’t looking forward to giving a presentation at a conference this summer, and she suggests I practice in front of her first. I said that I was nervous because I would be giving the presentation in front of “a bunch of knowledgeable statisticians who could eviscerate me,” and suddenly, I’m calling her stupid. I tried to explain to her that I hear, almost daily (I’m a doctoral student), someone who is intelligent saying they aren’t knowledgeable about something. “I’m not knowledgeable about SPSS,” or “I’m not knowledgeable about vector ARMA models,” for example. I don’t really associate “knowledgeable” with "innate intelligence. " Maybe I should, but I don’t.

Now, she has a doctor appointment today that she’s dreading, so I have no doubt that she might be extra touchy today, but I still feel like a heel for making her upset.

Maybe I should just go back to saying “uh huh, Yeah, Oh, really” on the phone all the time. At least those words seem to be okay, for now.

2

Try bringing home ice-cream tonight. Ice-cream makes every day better.

If you are in the US, the state where you were born should be able to send you an official copy for a small amount of money. Google up “Department of Vital Statistics <state name>”.

3

You do know that she’s responsible for how she reacts, not you, right?

No one makes us do anything, we choose. Even if you assault me with vile lies and accusations, my reaction is my doing, it’s not very mature of me to try and put it on you. And not very mature of you to take it on, as your doing.

That being said. Ice cream is a very good suggestion, I recommend chocolate!

4

It sounds like you’re both a bit stressed by non-relationship things at the moment, with some exposed nerves rubbing against each other the wrong way. I’d recommend just being aware that both of you are probably in need of extra reassurance and affirmation at the moment, and don’t blame yourself or her when either of you gets upset.

Even better than ice cream is cooking a nice dinner!

5

Thanks for the tip on obtaining a birth certificate, The Devil’s Grandmother. I thought about emailing my mom to see if she still has one, but it might be faster this way.

It would be nice if we could smooth everything out tonight, but, unfortunately, we do not live together, or even in the same town. She lives two hours away, and I am a full time doctoral student.

6

Yeah - don’t fall into that stupid, inaccurate trap of, “The woman is always right,” and it is somehow your job to magically read her mind or pay for the consequences, and she can do as she pleases consequence-free. That said, sometimes you just have to let people have a grouchy day, or be worried about something going on in their lives. Is this typical of her, or is it just a bad day?

7

Yeah, between doctor’s appointments and presentation stress, you both have permission to act like total dicks for at least a little bit – it just sucks that it’s happening at the same time! If only you could take turns being coddled while in a foul mood (I’m not being sarcastic, BTW, I think everyone deserves kid gloves once in a while). If you haven’t already, hopefully you can both just get it all out in the open and say ‘I’m sorry if I’m a jerk, and I may be a jerk again, I’m just really scared/stressed’ (maybe even laugh about it? Okay, maybe not). Though if her doctor’s appointment is for something hormonal or long-term pain, she wins, dude.

8

She sounds touchy. I can relate to the touchy feeling though. My husband is a Ph.D. student in clinical psychology and this is a subject I’m personally interested in, but not as a career. I consider myself to be pretty knowledgeable about this field considering I’m a layperson. I don’t like it sometimes when he knows things I don’t know. I hate even more that he’s better educated in statistics and research methodology than I am, because dammit, I have the potential to be every bit as good of a scholar as he is.

It’s vain, it’s childish, and it’s evidence of massive levels of insecurity I have about my own knowledge/intelligence and abilities, but it’s also human and as flaws go, I could do worse (and have.)

Eventually I learned to use him as a resource instead of viewing him as an adversarial threat to my intelligence.

‘‘Hey hon, I’m doing a research paper on exposure theory. Got any sources?’’
‘‘Oh, let me e-mail you these 15 studies I used for my final exam last term.’’

Works much better that way.

Also, when two people are stressed in a relationship at the same time, it’s hard. It took us years to figure out how to stay the hell out of each other’s way during crunch time. The sooner you guys work that out, the smoother this will go.

9

Heh, that reminds me of something recently that happened with my boyfriend and I:

He recently had his wisdom teeth out, and naturally was put on a regimen of painkillers. Turns out, he was on the same painkiller I was when I went through the same procedure in high school 7 years ago (Hydrocodone). He was cranky. He was VERY cranky. He’d call me up and bitch about EVERYTHING, and he’d rebuff my efforts to try and cheer him up (which in turn pissed ME off). It got so bad that if I lived nearer to him, I’d have gone over there and smacked him upside the head. Talking to him on the phone became a bit of a chore, because I just KNEW he’d be whining about his teeth and how they’d NEVER EVER FEEL BETTER the whole time.

We finally managed to pinpoint the painkillers as being the cause of his mood swings. We detected a pattern of behavior that started whenever he took the pills, and stopped when the effect wore off. He also made a few changes to his routine: gargling with saltwater instead of commercial mouthwash (which apparently is NOT very good for you after oral surgery), and, at my suggestion, switching to Ibuprofen from Tylenol (as Ibuprofen is a known anti-inflammatory drug, which was probably causing a lot of his pain). Suddenly he started feeling a LOT better a LOT faster, consequently needing the Hydrocodone a lot less.

I was talking to my mom about this yesterday, and when I said that the painkiller had made him cranky, she said “yup, it made you cranky, too.”

I was dumbfounded. I didn’t remember this at all. “Really? Cranky??”

“Ohhhhh yes [said in a tone of “lord if you only KNEW what you put me through…”], you were NOT a happy camper.”

“Huh…”

So, I think I owe him an apology. Also, if it’s possible, I’d like to request a painkiller OTHER than Hydrocodone if I ever need them again. (You can do that, can’t you?)

I guess my point is that the stress making you sore at each other is often outside your control, and will eventually get better.

10

Thanks, everyone, for bothering to read my drivel. Cat Fight, yes, she most certainly wins on account of the medical issues she’s had to deal with for far too long. It’s not life-threatening stuff, but it is quality-of-life threatening, if that makes any sense.

It’s related to an idiopathic (my term) prolapsed uterus. She’s never had children, she’s never been in a serious accident, it just started moving down, causing her all kinds of weird, uncomfortable feelings.

So, bottom line, we’re good again, for now.

11

I wonder if you can work a joke about the statistical probability of relationship stress boiling over into your presentation. :stuck_out_tongue:

12

I just had to obtain family birth certificates from 2 different states. Fast and painless online, and were at my door in 3 and 5 days.

13

O good. I wondered, shortly after the edit window had expired, if I had given you the exact same advice your girlfriend did that prompt you to say “I know what I need to do”.

Good luck on your presentation, and I hope your g/f finds a sympathetic and useful doctor.

14

You think you have problems? President Obama still hasn’t been able to get a copy of his birth certificate!
At least, that’s what I heard.

15

:smiley:

16

No, vanilla with optional choco syrup on the side is better, always.