My husband and I had a conversation about this issue, and I thought I had it settled in my mind, but now I’m having serious second thoughts. I could use a little Doper Input on this while there’s still time.
This year, my in-laws made some very bad financial decisions (well, a few years’ worth culminated, actually). We gave them quite a bit of cash in order to help them out of the hole they’d dug–they’re not there yet and will most likely end up selling their house (which is what I’m hoping for). Anyway, it was rather a large chunk of our disposable income, and as a result, we are having a smaller Christmas than we probably would have had otherwise. I’m not really a big fan of extravagant Christmas presents anyhow, so it’s not like my kids are being ‘deprived’ of $500 worth of presents they would have gotten, but we are being pretty frugal.
Usually, we buy something useful for my in-laws–new towels, a bookcase, a computer, etc. This year, thinking that we had already given rather a lot, we decided not to get them a gift. Not vindictively or anything, just thinking that a few thousand dollars probably counts as a present. But now, with Christmas a few days away, I’m wondering whether it will hurt their feelings or look like we’re trying to say they don’t deserve anything or something.
So–should I run out and buy them a token present like a book or something? Is it enough that I will give them my homemade candy, as always? Just for background, we never buy presents for the other adult siblings; they get candy too, and only the kids and the teenage sibling get presents. Is the fact that I don’t want to do it (not more shopping!) a sign that I should?
Depends, was the money loaned to them or given? If it was a loan they have any expectation of repaying, and you’ve always gotten them gifts in the past, then not gifting this year would be rather like punishing them for taking the loan from you.
If the money was a gift, it’s slightly better, but are you looking at the kids saying “What did we get Grandma and Grandpa, Mom?” and yourself answering “Lights, phone service and another few months of mortgage payments!” That’s kinda weird.
I’d give them a token gift if you can afford it. When you say you gave them the cash, did you actually GIVE it or was it a loan? If you gifted it, I’m sure they’ll understand that you went above and beyond for them with such a generous gift. Maybe a coffee table book or something so they have a gift to open. We all like to open something for Christmas.
The money was a gift. We’ve always known that we would have to help them out from time to time, and there is no use trying to think of it in terms of loans.
I’m giving your comments thought, thanks. Keep 'em coming, folks.
I won’t worry about a gift for somebody that recieved the money as a gift. Had I recieved the money I would not expect to be getting anything, and would make an effort to get you a gift with a thank you for helping us out of a deficult situation this year letter. I have to ask if buying a cheap present, and giving it will make you not stress out over this. In case of a yes, buy on and don’t stress out for a week.
Well, upon thinking it over some more and a short conversation with my husband, we’ve decided many of you are right. It’s probable that they won’t get much else in the way of presents, and it wouldn’t be much fun for them to get nothing. So FIL is going to get a keychain Leatherman tool and MIL will get some sort of book. Inexpensive (usually we spend money on them because they can’t afford anything) but inclusive, right? I do think that’s the right decision, only I don’t want to have to go to the bookstore again! Luckily the husband is going to stop by the hardware store on the way home, so that’s one off my list.
Golly, HD, I hope they don’t get us a present. I hate it when they do that; would much rather they pay the mortgage or buy food. Seriously, they have no money and make bad decisions with what they do have; invariably when they get us something it’s a waste of money except for the thought behind it.
AuntiePam, you are welcome to attend our Christmas, if our antics don’t drive you away in horror. There will at least be plenty of chocolate!
Yes, well, I thought that too. However, it appears not. (There are actually some mitigating circumstances–it’s something of a miracle that my FIL is walking around alive instead of being a vegetable or dead, so the fact that he doesn’t operate on all 4 cylinders is somewhat understandable–but still, a large part of it is his simple willingness to deny reality.)
AuntiePam, I can pretty much guarantee shenanigans of some kind or another. However, I can also guarantee you that the above-mentioned FIL will corner you and talk about whatever subject you find most objectionable or bewildering. I’m just warning you!
I’m late, but I was thinking grocery store gift card or prepaying electric bill for a while, or something that was generous, but also helped them with their budget.
I’d disagree. They know that you’ve rescued them, and you know that they know. Give them something small but frivolous, to give them the opportunity (if only for a day) to forget about bad decisions past and remember the joy of the holidays. It sounds like this is what you’ve decided to do. And I wholeheartedly endorse it; the holidays, IMHO, shouldn’t be about necessities. They should be about the unexpected, and the beautiful, and the joyous. And we’ve all made mistakes (part of our nature), but that doesn’t mean that we can’t be redeemed, or that we shouldn’t have the chance to be happy. Even if it’s only for an afternoon.
The other reason that I wouldn’t recommend something generous and practical is because they’ve already this year given enough money to the in-laws that they are scaling back their own Christmas. Not in huge dramatic ways, perhaps, but in very real ways. I’m not sure that a generous but practical gift sends the message “We’ve helped you but we can’t keep bailing you out forever”.
Does a small but frivolous gift send that message? Questionable, but at least it puts the focus on the tis the season to be jolly rather than on the practical stuff. And helps send the message to the kids that Christmas gifts aren’t supposed to be a calculaed game of “Here’s $20 worth of Bath and Body works products in exchange for your
$20 of fine literature”.
I lent my brother quite a bit of money this year, and he has told me he intends to pay me back in the upcoming year.
However, neither one of us is exactly flush this holiday season, so we already discussed the fact that we would forgo the usually exchange of gift.
That said, I sent him a calendar and enclosed a couple of DVD’s that I burned of some films I taped from HBO and Showtime. I think he will like them. It isn’t much, but it might be a nice surprise for him to get in the mail.
I think some “personal” hand-made gifts are always totally acceptable, even if you had money to buy something else. Seriously - if you bought them some stupid kitchen appliance that will go in the basement three weeks from now, would that have made you a better person?
