Yet another Nobody-Got-My-Witty-Line thread

A co-worker was talking about going to dinner at his girlfriend’s house as a teenager and meeting her parents for the first time. The point of the story was how horrible the meat loaf was. He mentioned they also served mashed potatoes and green beans.

Me: “So, the meat loaf sucked; how were the potatoes and green beans?”

Co-worker: “They were actually pretty good.”

Me: “Two Out of Three Ain’t Bad.”

Room full of people: silence.

I know we do these periodically, but another one came up the other day. Post 'em if ya got 'em.

Well I laughed.

Are your coworkers all under 30 or something?

That’s very nicely done.

We appreciate you, even if the people in meatspace don’t.

Well, Aspidistra and Attack, I now feel validated and shall rest easy.

I appreciate the support.
ETA: The last line in the OP is awkward on accounta it was supposed to be the first line.

Talking political history with my 20-ish & 30-ish coworkers, I said that the peolpe of the Eastern Block would have been better governed by the principkes of Groucho Marx than Karl. … Crickets …

Kids these days - no knowledge of the classics! :frowning:

It wasn’t my line but…When Independence Day came out, only a few people in the theatre laughed at (or even seemed to get) the line where Jeff Goldblum’s character turns on his laptop and it says “Good Morning Dave”.

I work in a cube next to a technician named Dave in a manufacturing facility. Often when the engineers are looking for him they come to his cube first even though he is usually out on a call.
Whenever an engineer asks “Where’s Dave?” I respond with the obligatory “Dave’s not here man.”
They never, ever get it. It probably doesn’t help that all our engineers are from India, Russia, Japan, etc.

This actually made me laugh. In fact, every time I think about it, it makes me laugh again. And I’m not stoned.

A few years ago, someone was talking about this conference he went to in Kansas City and how impressed he was with the technology there.

I replied, “Everything’s up to date in Kansas City.

Blank look.

Mine was so obvious, I was really hurt the only guy who got it was three seats away.

I was doing tech support, and the second level guy sitting next to me took a break. While he was gone, another second level guy came by and messed with the stuff on his desk. When first guy returned he was pissed.

“You don’t fuck with people’s stuff. We’re all techs. It’s THE CODE.”

“Well,” I said in a pirate drawl, “it’s more of a guideline than an actual rule.”

“No, it’s THE CODE!” he snapped.

One guy, three seats away started giggling. Everyone else looked at me like I was insane.



I work in a lab. We have animal tissue and DNA samples in a -20 freezer.

Our freezer had a lot of ice buildup, but we put off dealing with it for various reasons.

One day, one of our lab techs got a sample out of the freezer but couldn’t shut the door. Ice had built up to prevent the door from closing properly. All of a sudden, we absolutely HAD to clean out that freezer, NOW!

We moved all the samples to a freezer in another lab and unplugged our iceberg-laden -20. We spent all night scraping ice, hauling ice to the lab sinks, and mopping the floor.

The next day, when the freezer was back in action, I learned that we had lost none of our samples, even though they’d spent some time at room temperature while we were moving them. Everything was safe and sound in the other lab’s freezer.

I remarked that we ended up with a good settlement in The Great Defrost. Nobody got it.

Ahh, just thought of another one.

When my kids were very young, we took them to see the kiddy musician Raffi. It was a lawn setting and people brought picnic-type munchies.

The mom of the family in front of us pulled out a large bunch of grapes for her kids.

“Look!”, I said, “the grapes of Raff !”

I should have saved my breath.

I guess you had to be there.

Oh wait.

Funny, I got it and then a second later I realized there was that Meatloaf was involved in it as well so it worked on two levels.

My favorite when that no one has ever gotten, so I’ve stopped using…
My dad owns a store, I work there. It’s a small mom and pop type place so when we’re talking to someone sometimes they’ll sarcastically say “One day this could all be yours” (as if to imply it’s some great empire) my reply is always What, the curtains?". But like I said, it’s just gotten me confused looks, so I gave up on it. It is a pretty obscure reference.

I remember watching the Beijing Olympics with a bunch of people, probably 15 to 20 humans. We were watching the high dive competition. Most of the dives began in the typical way: person stands at the very end of the platform, contemplates the immortality of the crab, and then hurls itself into space.

There was one dive that started differently: A woman stood at the back of the platform, then took off into a run.

Someone in the room said “Oh, I didn’t know that you were allowed to run.”

I chimed in “That’s what Elizabeth Smart said.”

I didn’t expect everyone to get this, but I was hoping for at least one laugh, especially given that it’s basically a dumbed-down version of a recycled Simpsons joke…

I was in a group with three other people, talking about my dad’s promo campaign for our former local weatherman, Bill Meck. The people I was talking to agreed that these ads had been effective, especially since they still remembered the tagline: “Who the heck is Bill Meck?”.

Me: “Yeah, it worked out a lot better than his line for the last guy, Dan Tuck.”


[place where dawning comprehension and laughs are supposed to go]

[yet another beat]

Guy #1: “Yeah, I don’t remember Tuck.”


I’ve found that if I’ve angered someone and they’re approaching me, saying “K-K-Ken’s c-c-coming to k-k-kill me” almost never gets the reaction I’m hoping for.
FTR, I usually say it when I’ve annoyed someone, not when I’ve actually pissed them off. I think I’ve only used it once when the person’s name was actually Ken.

For the record, I don’t get most of these.