Yet another thread asking for advice with "depression"

I’m very reluctant to post about this since there’s already about a bajillion other threads about it, as well as how this paints me as pathetic, but I guess I’m looking for more tailored advice.

So…ever since I was little, my parents raised me using the old-fashioned “yell at and beat your children if they do something wrong” method. Of course, since there were a whole slew of things you could do “wrong” as a child, whether it be not learning well enough in school, leaving the lights on overnight, or talking to my sister too much during dinner time, that gave them a LOT of ammunition to justify their actions. Obviously that made us feel like complete trash (which they would explicitly call us, including stuff like “How did I give birth to such idiots,” and “Why are all these other children so much better and smarter than you?”), and this would recur pretty much at least once a week for…well, ever.

Obviously this has had some pretty adverse effects on our personalities. Whenever I got yelled at, I’d start tearing up and crying, which usually lead to getting hit as well. Even now, whenever I get talked to sternly (by anyone), my mind would process the thought that “oh look, I screwed up again, I’m worthless, GOOD people don’t mess up the way I do, why was I even born,” and my eyes would get all red, and you know the rest. It definitely affects my social interactions, since I can’t even take insults properly without all these thoughts popping up again.

Don’t even get me started how on how anti-social I am, or how much I hate myself because of this.

Looking up how to stop all this ridiculous crying (I don’t even have to get into the “men shouldn’t cry” thing) without addressing the direct issue, all of the advice is just along the lines of “let it all out, it’s natural” or “take deep breaths”, which quite frankly don’t help the situation at all.

At the very least, you could generalize this as “unsupportive parents.” Now I’m not completely unreasonable; I’ve been given the standard “I do this because I love you” response, as well as them saying that they don’t really mean to be so aggressive, it’s just that they get angry easily etc etc. Beyond the ragefests, they’re pretty neutral, but that doesn’t really help the situation.

That’s only a small portion of the mess, but given that general framework, it’s pretty easily to extrapolate how they are like w.r.t. other topics.

Severing ties isn’t an option at this moment, and I’d rather not resort to that to begin with. They definitely won’t (be able to) change their attitudes, so this will likely go on for the years to come. I’d rather stay away from therapy, since every thread along these lines seems to end with “go see a therapist,” but if that’s really the only option…

(My sister’s arguably in a worse position than I am due to this, but for the sake of brevity, I’ll omit her side.)

tl;dr - How do I stop crying so much? How do I stop thinking I’m the biggest piece of trash in the world? Perhaps I have to learn to stop caring about everything?

Sorry for the messy text.

When you’re living through childhood abuse you never do know what’s going to be deemed “wrong.” Very crazy-making.
You didn’t say how old you are. Are you an adult and out of there, or still living at home?
I’m in my 60s and was just diagnosed with PTSD a couple weeks ago. At every single symptom it was like :smack: Why didn’t I recognize it before?
Sometimes the mind tries to protect us by using tools that just don’t work anymore. (Like the quiet crying. Bet you can cry without making a sound, huh?) Don’t be afraid to talk with somebody. Give yourself a chance to learn some better ways to cope.
And please don’t put yourself down. You’re a survivor!

The Feeling Good handbook saw me through some rough times, but as with any measure, it won’t work unless you are methodical about your commitment, even when it feels silly.

Therapy is not the only option, but it is a really worthwhile option. I wasn’t raised the way you were, but I do have severe anxiety and what amounts to a phobia about making a mistake or doing something wrong. Therapy, specifically Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, has been very successful for me, and enabled me to deal with my fears and become much, much happier. It’s not clear if you are in school or working, but at either place you may be able to get help finding a therapist. It doesn’t have to be psychiatrist, and you can start small by just talking to someone about your issues to see what kind of help is available. CBT is specifically designed to help people who think they are the biggest piece of trash in the world, and it has helped many people overcome these types of feelings.

I should note that I waited 8 years from when therapy was first suggested to me to when I actually went. I try not to regret the choices I’ve made, but I do think that my life would have benefited had I not waited so long.

Too late for editing, but I wanted to add that you might want to take a look at one of my favorite threads on CBT – it’s old, but it should give you an idea of what CBT is all about.

The Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Support Thread

Go see a psychiatrist or a doctor. There’s a drug they can prescribe that will help you stop crying. That will help with the acute systems.

Seriously. That’s what I went in with. “I can’t stop crying…” and one pill got me back on the right track.

Once you’re stabilized, you can start working through the PTSD, and seriously, that will really help you forgive your parents. It requires nothing on their part, just a lot of therapy on yours.

I know you don’t want to try therapy… the only other thing that’s helped me is meditation.

Yeah, I agree that you should try anything that’s available, ideally with professional guidance.

Good luck with this; your situation sounds traumatic. It’s especially important to get help soon if you’re indeed antisocial, as you indicated. You don’t want to harm others in society, and/or yourself, or end up incarcerated.

Thanks for the advice all.

What makes this (slightly) different from the standard definition PTSD is that it isn’t exactly post-traumatic; I still live with my parents (I’m “only” shy of twenty), and I definitely will be living with these conditions for a while longer. I’d assume the first step would be to remove yourself from the situation, but that isn’t exactly an option, so is it even possible to seek treatment for something that’s caused by actions that will continue to persist regardless?

Again, my mind’s biased against anything that isn’t considered “natural” (i.e. therapy, medication) because I should be “strong” enough (yes, I overuse air quotes too much) to deal with it myself. Unfortunately, I know that this mindset is also a driving factor of discrimination against others with potential mental illnesses.

I’ll be sure to have a look at CBT, and pick up the Feeling Good Handbook mentioned from a library though.

That word, “should.” It’s a powerful word. Be wary of it.

If nothing else, try telling your parents that they should (see?) be nicer to you. After all, you will be the one picking out their nursing home! :smiley:

If your parents physically beat you, you would easily seek help from a doctor for the pain and injuries they caused, right?

Your parents emotionally beat you. They injured you, crippled you. You sometimes can’t function the same as other people do.

Please seek help. The books recommended are a good start, and may even be enough. Hide them well from your parents. Bring them with you when you go out, hidden in a bag, if you must. People hate being accused or held accountable for things, and if your parents think you are placing blame on them for things before you’re ready to make your break into the world, they may make you (even more) miserable for daring to think they aren’t just fine.

Eh. They’ll also bring things up like “since I’m older than you I am absolutely smarter than you and you don’t know what’s good for you,” which then makes them believe that being nice will just make us spoiled brats (which supposedly does happen in a sense?). So yeah, not happening.

Also regarding nursing homes, in their eyes, that’s reserved for children that don’t give a damn about their parents and don’t want to carry the burden that they carried while raising us.

Again, I’m not really a position to argue with them…

Nope. Therapy and medication are there to help you cope with your situation, not necessarily change it. You’re not coping well now. Get help.

If you’re in college, go to the school nurse and talk this through. If you’re not, there are a number of clinics.

It’s perfectly natural for this kind of stuff to get worse in your late teens/early 20s. Your brain has been developing all this time, and the abuse and bad advice from your parents have skewed it. There is help, but not until you admit you can’t do it on your own. It sounds like you know that intellectually but haven’t quite accepted it in your heart yet.

Hey there. It definitely sounds like you’ve been through a lot!
Medication may or may not be beneficial. It hard to say over the internet, but you should really go see your family doctor and/or get a referal to a psychiatrist. Sometimes, if you’re so far down in the dumps, medications can help you get out of it enough to focus and concentrate better, when allow you to do other things with your life, which will, in turn, also start to help improve your mood.

I think one thing to definitely considerly would be CBT. Some of those negative thoughts you described in your first message fall right into the categories of cognitive distortions that are dealt with effectively in CBT. One thing that you really need to be aware of with CBT is that it requires action on your part to do the various homework assignments, such as mood journaling. etc. Sometimes when people are so down, they don’t even have the energy to do stuff like that, and that when medication can be helpful. Various Meta analysis of CBT vs medication have shown that they are both about the same as far as short term outcomes, with a slight edge to CBT for preventing recurrence after treatment ends.

If finances are an issue, you will likely be able to find some therapists that have a sliding scale based on your ability to pay. Additionally, there are the books that have been recommended to you. Another one that I would recommend is CBT for Dummies, which does a nice job of laying everything out. Finally, there are also some online resources. Googling online cbt returns a number of hits. One that seems to work well is THe MoodGYM training program, out of Austrailia. The URL for that is : moodgym - Interactive skills training for depression and anxiety

Take care!

This. My heart goes out to you, Altivu.

I want to recommend that you read this letter to Captain Awkward (who is fantastic) and the responses, including the comments. From one person:

You are not weak, and you are not a piece of trash, but (as you recognize) you’ve heard that over and over so many times that it’s become the constant refrain in your head. That is not normal, but it’s not your fault: your parents taught you it was, and that was not okay for them to do. You deserved and deserve better. Everyone does.

Read this! It’s fabulous.

Have you told your parents that their actions made you cry and feel like trash?

What happened?

There is?! What is it?