I’m very reluctant to post about this since there’s already about a bajillion other threads about it, as well as how this paints me as pathetic, but I guess I’m looking for more tailored advice.
So…ever since I was little, my parents raised me using the old-fashioned “yell at and beat your children if they do something wrong” method. Of course, since there were a whole slew of things you could do “wrong” as a child, whether it be not learning well enough in school, leaving the lights on overnight, or talking to my sister too much during dinner time, that gave them a LOT of ammunition to justify their actions. Obviously that made us feel like complete trash (which they would explicitly call us, including stuff like “How did I give birth to such idiots,” and “Why are all these other children so much better and smarter than you?”), and this would recur pretty much at least once a week for…well, ever.
Obviously this has had some pretty adverse effects on our personalities. Whenever I got yelled at, I’d start tearing up and crying, which usually lead to getting hit as well. Even now, whenever I get talked to sternly (by anyone), my mind would process the thought that “oh look, I screwed up again, I’m worthless, GOOD people don’t mess up the way I do, why was I even born,” and my eyes would get all red, and you know the rest. It definitely affects my social interactions, since I can’t even take insults properly without all these thoughts popping up again.
Don’t even get me started how on how anti-social I am, or how much I hate myself because of this.
Looking up how to stop all this ridiculous crying (I don’t even have to get into the “men shouldn’t cry” thing) without addressing the direct issue, all of the advice is just along the lines of “let it all out, it’s natural” or “take deep breaths”, which quite frankly don’t help the situation at all.
At the very least, you could generalize this as “unsupportive parents.” Now I’m not completely unreasonable; I’ve been given the standard “I do this because I love you” response, as well as them saying that they don’t really mean to be so aggressive, it’s just that they get angry easily etc etc. Beyond the ragefests, they’re pretty neutral, but that doesn’t really help the situation.
That’s only a small portion of the mess, but given that general framework, it’s pretty easily to extrapolate how they are like w.r.t. other topics.
Severing ties isn’t an option at this moment, and I’d rather not resort to that to begin with. They definitely won’t (be able to) change their attitudes, so this will likely go on for the years to come. I’d rather stay away from therapy, since every thread along these lines seems to end with “go see a therapist,” but if that’s really the only option…
(My sister’s arguably in a worse position than I am due to this, but for the sake of brevity, I’ll omit her side.)
tl;dr - How do I stop crying so much? How do I stop thinking I’m the biggest piece of trash in the world? Perhaps I have to learn to stop caring about everything?
Sorry for the messy text.