I hate crying in front of people. It’s embarrassing, it makes me feel completely infantile, and it guarantees that nobody will listen to me or take me seriously.
My problem is mostly that I cry when I’m angry, and more specifically, I cry when my dad insults me or makes fun of me. I can’t defend myself verbally because I can feel the tears poking the backs of my eyeballs going, “let us out!” and know it will all fall apart if I speak. I’ve written notes, and while that sometimes works, it doesn’t work within my family. It just makes them angrier.
It’s a self-perpetuating cycle, too. Someone says something to me and I burst into tears. then I think, “why are you crying? stop it, you big baby.” which makes me feel worse becuase I’m embarrassed to be crying… then, “thay can’t dictate how you feel. Why do you give them that power?” which, again, makes me feel worse becuase I know it’s my fault I let myself be insulted.
So… how do I stop it? How do I stifle the tears and confront conflict like a normal adult human being?
I have no advice. But, just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone. I cry alot - happy, sad, touched, angry, stressed, whatever. Not always a great big blow up of crying, but my eyes well up and a couple of tears escape. My Mother can do it to me evertime, I could be feeling great and all she has to say is “what’s the matter? You look like you are going to cry.” and it’ll start me up. :rolleyes:
And you are so right, you get embarrased which makes any attempt to stop futile.
Sounds like it’s time to visit with a counselor. He or she can help you with strategies for dealing with your family and others and be there for you until you grow strong enough to face them without crying.
I find that not taking things seriously will decrease their impact on you. I used to take all insults very seriously and would get very emotional in return. This never produced good results so I turned to the “I don’t give a shit” attitude.
I suggest having one of your friends do a satire of your dad to help you deflate his insults.
Other than that, the only other advice I can give you is to go out and look for inspiration on how to be tough. Watch movies or read books with tough male/female characters and try to get into their mindset. Being tough is really just that, certain mindset that you have to get into. You also have to realize that it is just acting. You are not being yourself (since you do not want to reveal your weaknesses) you are just putting on a show.
Clearly, the problem that needs to be dealt with first is your father, who obviously has something wrong with him. If he can’t change, I would suggest not being around him very much would help you quite a bit.
What RickJay said. Option one: stop hanging out with people who make you cry.
Option two: grow older. It seemed to work for me. I cry a lot less now that I’m in my thirties than I did ten or twenty years ago. Still get choked up at sappy movies, though.
The best way I have found to do it is to keep a stock picture in your mind to whip out when the tears come. When you feel the sniffling, immediately start thinking about, say, turkeys. Don’t just think about them. Visualize them, the way they run, their little jerky legs, their funny heads. It doesn’t work 100 % of the time but as I’ve gotten better at it I can use it more and more efficiently.
BTW, turkeys are not what I think about. You have to pick your own thing, that can be really viivd to you at a moment’s notice.
I am the same way. If someone is mad at me and we’re fighting, I can’t yell, I cry. If I freak out at work or something, instead of just being mad or stressed, I cry. I pretty much cry for every emotion. Happiness too. I HATE IT!!!
I’m extremely sensitive, and in my youth I was the most timid, shy crybaby ever- could not confront people effectively to save my life.
Then, I became a single mom. There’s nothing better to toughen one up than being the sole provider and protector. I wouldn’t recommend it, as it’s very draining and can be difficult at times, but it does work.
You could also practice being tough when you’re alone. Demand to your pillows that they treat you with the respect that you deserve. Confront your image in the mirror and command better treatment. Once you become comfortable with that, practice with real people.
If it helps at all, there are lots of people out there who realize you’re crying because you’re angry, not because you’re an overly sensitive hothouse flower. If you’re crying because you’re angry, it’s really not as embarrassing as crying because you’re sad and helpless, right?
Maybe if you remember to say, “I’m just so darned MAD,” while you’re crying, to reinforce the point.
Another tip is to zone out. It’s hard to avoid your father. In a perfect world, you’d be able to talk to him and let him know how bad he’s making you feel, but that’s not likely to happen. If he starts in on you, zone out and don’t really listen to what he is telling you. Don’t internalize it. Just think of it as something to get through, just another half-hour of your life gone by. Don’t dwell on what he’s saying, no matter how many times he says it. Let his words kind of bounce off you - they are just his opinion, not absolutes set in stone. He views you a certain way, that doesn’t make it true.
I’ve had years and years of practice. From the age of 5 till the day I moved out at 18, my stepfather would berate me for hours on end over the slightest error. Anything set him off…a bad grade, a burnt pan, a comment I made about a movie, whatever. It would start out small, then grow to include everything that was 'wrong’with me. It wasn’t uncommon to spend 6 hours standing, listening to him rant and rave.
I grew out of the crying pretty early. Zoning out helps.
In my family, anger (by anybody but dad) was not allowed. Children were not allowed to backtalk (which eventually became defined as ‘disagree or have an opinion of your own’) and anger was absolutely not permitted. However, crying was.
I got to the age of about 25, and realised I didn’t know what it felt like to be angry. I had never been allowed to feel anger. I cried instead, because crying was ‘allowed’. That is to say, I didn’t get punished for it.
It was a great and freeing thing to me to learn to feel anger, to identify it for what it was, and to realize that I didn’t have to stay and take abuse from people, even from (or maybe even especially from) family.
I have determined that no one, not even family, will be permitted to be less courteous to me than a stranger or a co-worker would. (And conversely, I will be that courteous in return). Familiarity and a lifelong connection by circumstance of birth do not give anyone the inherent right to be rude, abusive, cruel, hurtful. And of course, the people who know you best, know how to hurt you most, and thus have a responsibility to be MORE careful with what they say and do. Because they supposedly love you…yeah? Love is gentle, love is kind, and all that. Love is not cruel. I would rather spend time with casual acquaintances, than a cruel “loved one”.
As for the crying itself…I wish I had an answer for you. But I do know while that it’s not always possible to confront people without making things worse you can learn to say, “You are not allowed to insult me like that.” You can say “It hurts my feelings when you say things like that. I will not stay here and be made fun of. It’s not fun for me.” You can say “You know, I was having fun up until now. I’ve stopped having fun. I’ll talk to you when you can be as polite to me as you would be to a complete stranger.” You can walk away. Don’t threaten to leave, don’t use it for a manipulation tactic, just leave. Maybe they really think it’s a joke (like the lab tech who told my 6 year old to brush up on her acting skills the other day after a traumatic blood draw). Maybe they enjoy being cruel. Maybe it makes them feel powerful, or maybe they think they’re justified or even ‘improving’ you. The end result of walking away is the same: you go somewhere you CAN have fun, and they’re deprived of their pincushion.
I am a 32 year old 6’1 210 pound male and I can cry hysterically when I get angry. It usually happens when some person makes it so I can’t get away after I have had enough during a confrontation (boss, wife etc.) People may perceive that as some kind of weakness but what it really means that I am trying with all my might to avoid assaulting someone (literally) or breaking something. During normal confrontations I can just get away when things become too heated but sometimes you can’t physically or you just simply aren’t allowed too. I have a really bad temper that can flare very suddenly when I have had enough and I will cry like a baby if I am forced into a situation where I can’t can’t express it or leave.
I have never figured out a solution other than just leaving even when people may see it as inappropriate (e.g. walking out of the bosses office) because the alternative is worse. It can sometimes take me hours to get calmed down if that volcano starts to erupt and I try to cap it.
First off, you need to know you don’t have to feel “infantile” everytime you cry. It’s just the way your body works.
For instance, some one can say something very hurtfull to me or I can watch a really sad movie; and it indeed will effect me internally. I don’t cry, but I still feel it!
The fact that I don’t cry doesn’t mean that I’m some Clint Eastwood, badass from hell. It just means that my body works differently from yours. In other words, I didn’t make the conscious effort NOT to cry.
I strictly believe crying is 95% physical and only 5% psychological/cultural. Just look at teenage girls… their hormones are out of whack, and they’re infamous for crying at the drop of a feather. Most women have no problem with crying, except during a particular time of the month. Coincidence?
Taking BC eliminated my PMS, and as a result, I’ve not cried at all in many moons (or gotten noticeably upset, for that matter). Maybe reducing sugar intake greatly & sticking to a low glycemic index diet can help.
Forgot to add: if you have abnormal periods and if you still get acne, your crying definitely might be rooted in hormonal imbalances. Your oby-gyn may have options for you, but it’s up to you to decide whether the side effects are worth medication, and you may not ever find the “right” medication. Don’t try and self-medicate with herbs, though.
I am so thinking of turkeys next time I get teary-eyed.
I love you, Mika!* Turkeys*. Awesome.
Nothing else to add except another “you’re not alone”. I can’t stand confrontation, but that’s not much of a problem, since I’ve learned to eliminate those in my life who are needlessly unkind or aggressive. I bite my tongue if it’s a weirdo stranger being nasty to me - they can’t hurt me if I don’t let them. I do tend to cry if I feel embarrassed or humiliated, though. I cry most often when I’m happy, though. Weirdness. Sometimes I start laughing so hard, it turns into sobs (note: this is different than when I say laugh 'til I cry - yes, the tears flow, but I’m not sobbing). I’m not sad, though.
I also have the problem mentioned where, if I’ve already begun to cry for some reason, if someone asks me what’s wrong, that’s it: all the control I had that was keeping the tears in is suddenly released. Don’t ask me what’s wrong! Then I will definitely begin to cry! Doesn’t matter what it is.
After watching a video:
Husband: “Are you sad, sweetie?”
Me: long, long pause “No. It was just a cartoon. It’s just silly.”
Husband: “Sweetie, it’s okay to be sad.”
Me: longer pause
To fill in some questions: I’ll be 15 next Friday. I don’t have periods at all anymore, but I do get (ick) zits. and I don’t take BC. And I don’t eat sugar, except in fruit.
I might add that nobody can make me cry like my dad can. I can shrug it off if it’s a sister, a peer, a customer, or even my mom, but my dad can practically telepathically turn me into a blubbering infant.
We’ve been through counseling before. It wasn’t a good experience for any of us. Unfortunately, my dad’s attitude toward it has always been, “my daughter is bad. It’s her problem, not mine. Fix her and don’t talk to me unless you want me to tell you in what ways she is bad.” Perhaps it’s an idea, for both of us. It’s not one I like, (it becomes a big to-do in my house if anyone suggests it. My dad, aside from not believing in counseling, has trouble understanding anything outside his own experience. Mentall illness, in his view, simply does not exist. It’s just an act for attention or an excuse to be weak.) but it may be the best way to go. I might be on my way back there soon anyway, whether I like it or not.
Avoiding him is difficult. I do try to have as little contact with him as possible. We just don’t get along. I’m not the kind of person he likes and he’s not the kind of person I like. We do live under the same roof, though. And when we do cross paths, it’s ugly.
Telling my pillows they have to respect me? At first I laughed, but it actually sounds like a good idea. And if I feel really foolish, I’ll just picture myself telling turkeys I won’t let them gobble at me that way and use it when someone starts gobbling at me
zoning out- easier said than done, of course, but it gives me a strategy to focus on other than, “god, quit being such a baby!”
As for walking away, it’s considered incredibly disrespectful. Suggesting that he ought to have some respect for me as a human being is enough to get me punished (it’s part of the reason I’m on punishment now. I told him I wasn’t going to let him speak to me the way he was. But apparently he’s my father and will speak to me any way he sees fit and who do I think I am telling him what he can and cannot do?) His behavior is something I’ll just have to live with for the next 1107 days. I just have to change my way of handling it and not letting it get to me.
thanks for all your suggestions
OMG, finally I’ve found somebody who knows EXACTLY what I go through when it comes to expressing anger!
look of utter delightful shock
No, seriously…Shag, you literally took the words right out of my mouth. especially the bad temper and volcano parts. In my case it’s something which was never there or lay dormant until a few years ago. The older I get, the more it flares. It’s embarassing sometimes, because in general “anger” isn’t usually an adjective used to describe me. And yeah, it erupts at random, sometimes when I least expect it.
I know that being under a tremendous amount of stress (like I am IRL right now) has a lot to do with triggering my “angry crybaby” button. Being around certain people also does it. Like Shagnasty said, if I’m in a situation where I can’t escape and/or I can’t defend myself, I’ll either cry or blow my stack.
I work with a woman who has the demeanor down pat: If you didn’t work right alongside her (as I do), you’d never guess she was angry/upset/whatever. Her expression is pure “blank”. She keeps her voice low and professional. She takes several deep breaths before responding. She can somehow keep her thoughts straight as well as articulate them…I just stand there utterly gobsmacked because I get so emotionally charged I can’t think straight, never mind articulate anything except gibberish.
OTOH, she suffers from severe TMJ and her eye twitches wildly when she’s very upset. I don’t know if anyone in our department knows this except myself.
When I asked her about it, she replied, “It’s the price I have to pay to be considered a professional.”
