How can I stop being a crybaby?

In My Humble Opinion
21

SurrenderDorothy, here’s another person who had the exact same authoritarian father growing up. When it came to that part of the day before he went to work his graveyard shift, he would open my door, lay it on me to the point where I would practically be slitting my wrists, I’d envision being away from there. I thought about the happy things that happened that day or think about what my friends would say in response to what he said. It made me feel validated and that what he said had no merit. As long as you have a sense that you have some sort of power, be it in yourself, through your other support groups or whatnot, you won’t feel so powerless to your feelings. I had to develop this method because if I cried, he would get angry and yell harder and say more hurtful things because crying shows weakness and weakness was not allowed in my family.

Sometimes it takes that goal and vision of the future of that safe place where you can be free of him to prevent yourself from feeling hurt. I don’t know what works for you, but try to think of ways where you can get your mind off of what he’s saying as the other Dopers suggested, and let the words go in one ear and out the other.

I know it seems like you’re being a “crybaby” for reacting that way to your father, but I think it’s a natural response to something like that. Some people can handle it better than others. My brother never cried when my dad went off on him, but he developed his own defense mechanism a lot sooner than I did. You’re you, so don’t feel bad or ashamed for reacting the way that you do. All you can do is find a way to express your emotions in a way that’s healthy for you and that’s acceptable in your situation so you don’t get into more trouble. Just know that he’s a bully and we’re here supporting you no matter what.

22

Dads can push the “cry NOW” button better then anybody else. It’s their job. Your Dad can and very often will make you feel like shit. He will make you feel like every thought you ever had was crap, that everything you wanted to do was a stupid idea, that every opinion you ever had was wrong, wrong, WRONG!

Then oneday (probably in your late 20’s) he will say something that sounds very sensible. He will give you a hug that makes you realise he always loved you. He will do something that will bring a tear to your eye.

Fathers are to be hated until you love them.

I left the COUNTRY at 17 to avoid mine. I love him to bits now.

Cry now. Cry when he is an utter shit! There ain’t no crime in a good cry, there is much to be said for a good cry! Just know oneday (and it will be EONS from now) that you will both know the crying happened for a reason. He loves you, you love him.

Never go so far away or hate him so much that you can’t come back.

23

I am also a crybaby. I cry when I’m happy, I cry when I’m angry, I cry over music, and I sometimes cry when I’m sad.

I cry at the opera, I cry at church, I cry when I hear music that is beautiful. I cried while commuting to NYC while reading Mark Helprin’s A Soldier of the Great War.

I cried when I read the comic book ‘The Death of Superman.’ I recently cried while watching a documentary on the National Geographic Channel about the Berlin Wall.

Only twice have I cried at work, and that was in the bathroom, when no one could see me.

I cry when my husband and I have a fight. This has an important benefit - no matter how angry I might be with him, my anger is displaced by crying, so I rarely have said anything to him in an argument that I have later regretted saying. This is not the TV cliché where my husband can’t take my tears - he is unmoved by them, as he knows this is how I respond to emotional situations. We have been married 25 years.

I had a bastard stepfather who used to delight in dismissing and belittling me when I was a teenager. I am highly introverted, and I tend to avoid conflict. My stepfather would deliberately insult me, and I’d cry, unable to fight back. Know what? I don’t have to deal with him anymore.

My family and friends know that this is a part of who I am. People who don’t know me think I am tough as nails. I am, but I’m also very emotional. That’s good, and it’s bad. My capacity to be moved by music, for example, goes hand in hand with my tendency to cry when my feelings are hurt. I bring this same passion to my work, my volunteer work with my church, and my love for my children. Knowing this about myself helps me make sense of how I respond to situations.

See - you’re not the only one!

24

I’m sorry for the hijack, but Dorothy, why the heck aren’t you having periods anymore?!

As for the topic, my personal technique was always the zone-out. In particular, I would calmly study the yelling person’s eyelashes or nostrils while I thought about something else.

25

I know this is a huge hijack, but inquiring minds and all that…you’re 14, and you don’t have periods anymore? At 14 most girls have only been having periods for a year or two. If birth control isn’t suppressing your periods, what is? I ask because I’m 49, still have regular periods, and can’t imagine why a 14 year old should be period- free in the normal course of events.I find myself longing for menopause some days, but you’ve barely had time to get tired of periods! I know all about people using birth control to eliminate their periods, but since you said this isn’t the case, please enlighten us.

Oh, and I also cry when stressed and hate, hate, hate women who sneer at those of us who cry…especially short blonde professional women like, say, Dr. Laura. But it has gotten much better in the last 5 years, since the evil boss has gone away and I’m over the divorce trauma and my kids aren’t getting arrested quite as often…

26

SurrenderDorothy, I was (and to some degree, am) the same way. Here are some things that helped me:

1) Check into taking a public speaking / speech class, either through school or as an extracurricular activity. Heck, it might even be required at your school. These classes are hell if you ask me, BUT, they do force you to learn how to compose yourself in the face of intense feelings. I took two in high school, two more in college, and joined Toastmasters when I became a corporate drone. Why? Because I needed the help in learning to assert myself without crumbling. I used to get bright red and shaky. My voice would tremble. I’d panic as what I wanted to say got swamped by the feeling of being on the spot. The lessons I learned in speech helped me compose myself in confrontations as well, in that I became able to project a confident persona that in no way resembles what I feel inside. And people totally buy the confident version of me! It’s astounding, but it works.

2) Get in the habit (and this will take time and practice) of CHOOSING how to react to provocation. This was something I picked up in a psychology class in college, and again, it works wonders. Here’s what you do: every time, in any context, you experience a stimulus that you know makes you sad/angry/tense, take one second before you react. You’ll probably still react in the same way for a while, but the important thing is that you’re training yourself to take some mental space BEFORE reacting. Gradually, you’ll learn to extend that one second to five or ten, or whatever the space is that you need to control your reaction and make it deliberate. You may still choose to react in anger or sadness or whatever, but it will be your choice, and not your Dad’s. Very empowering.

3) Forgive yourself for getting upset as soon as you do. The more you focus on the fact that you’re crying and that your Dad is pushing your buttons, the more effective his tactics will be. Remove their power by treating yourself with love and respect. You’re doing your best to grow up (and doing a fine job, based on your posts on these boards), so be kind to yourself as you figure all this shit out.

27

SurrenderDorothy, even if your father doesn’t want counselling, you need help in dealing with your feelings. Maybe you didn’t have the right counselor before. Sometimes you have to keep looking until you can find someone you are comfortable with.

If your parents don’t want you to see a counselor, then maybe you can find a teacher or guidance counselor at school that you can open up to.

Some of your feelings are very, very normal. That doesn’t make them much easier to bear. (My granddaughter is sixteen and last night was a tearful night at her house. It was so much easier when I could rock her and give her a bottle.)

Crying may be good for you sometimes. It can also be a sign that you have a little bit of depression. That may not be your fault at all. Stop seeing crying as a weakness. It isn’t as if you are a whiney person. You have some real sadness in your life.

Allow yourself to feel the anger. Even if you aren’t allowed to express it to him, express it somewhere. Don’t take it out on yourself. And don’t be hard on yourself at all. Easy does it. You are stronger than you think you are.

Do try to get a walk in every day (or other more strenuous exercise) and get some fresh air. Sometimes that can help a little.

28

Scream and shriek at your dad so loud he can’t even hear himself and keep at it until he gets bored and leaves. Make him feel like an idiot for being an idiot. It will work better than anything over the long run.

29

Surrender Dorothy

Ah, Honey, I hear you! I grew up with a parent (Mom), who constantly belittled people, not just me, but I was an available target. My nature is to not get angry, so I would cry a whole lot. When someone is laying in on you emotionally, the dam has to burst somewhere, and it’s to your credit, really, that your emotion is to cry rather than to get mean and angry and take it out on others. Your posts here are very mature and intelligent, and crying, I think, is indicative of a innate sensitivity that intelligent people have. By that, I mean: even though my Mom emotionally abused me, it was against my nature to be abusive back. Abnormal use of emotion, recognised, but my own principles refused to be mean, and crying was then the best outlet. Does that fit with your situation?

What helped me as a teen was to write a journal, and just let it all out. You can say anything you want on the page, just let er rip. Have total abandon with it, it’s your space. I’m 44, so did this before the internet made communicating personal travails with response easy. I don’t know how it is with savvy people of your age these days, a non-computer journal might seem quaint, but I’d suggest a notebook you can take into a park or woods or wherever, away from hubbub, and, write your thoughts, just for you, to let it out, with no expectation of anyone reading it. It’s a great release.

What happened to me was: I showed my notebooks to a friend, and he asked to show them to his Dad, who was an artsy guy, and they greatly encouraged me. It was such an eye-opener, and such a relief. Bringing up the point: Get counseling from someone who can help you to see your situation and give advice. Don’t feel stuck and hopeless, step outside of Kansas (love your SD name).

Since you do have that wonderful wiz of a name, that story is apt: A young girl is bound by circumstance, transported to a different world, encounters an evil nemesis, and by having experiences, meeting others who have faults, journeys outside her previous experience and develops a sense of self and strength, defeats Evil, and sees through the Humbug. It’s such a wonderful story, one I go back to again and again.

Yeesh, have yammered on, but I so remember being in your shoes. Hope this has helped.

30

He’s a moron. Anybody who thinks this is a moron. I had depression that went untreated for 10 years because of this kind of attitude, and I would very much like to personally punch everyone who spews this idiotic crap in the nose.

I don’t really have any advice, just sympathy.

My parents’ aversion to crying (or any display of emotion) is one of their values that I as an adult have rejected for myself.

31

Wow. Were you raised by my parents?? That’s exactly my experience growing up, except it took me until past age 30 (and working through a major depression) before I figured out how to feel angry. (OK, so that added nothing to the discussion, but I just couldn’t resist the “me too.”)

32

Sorry to bump this thread, but this has been niggling at me for the past couple of days.

I can only think of two conditions that would cause a teenage girl to stop having periods- pregnancy or being extremely underweight. Now I’m kind of worried about you.

If you want to talk about anything, and don’t feel that you can do it in this thread, feel free to email me. If you don’t want to talk to me, and I wouldn’t blame you, and there is something wrong, please talk to someone you can trust.

Just had to get that off my chest.

33

I’m worried about this, too. Especially the “anymore” comment. Now “at the moment” or “right now”, but “anymore”…as if she’d been having them forever and a day, but not anymore! Like I said before, it’s probably my “how many more years of this do I have to endure before menopause” mindframe (for the record, it’s been almost exactly 37 years of periods now, with 18 months off for pregnancy) but I’m concerned about our Dorothy.

34

I’m concerned, too. Do please tell us what you meant by that, SurrenderDorothy.

35

It’s because I’ve lost a good deal of weight recently. It’s okay though. I’ve never heard of anyone dying of amenorrhea.

thanks for all your input :slight_smile:

36

Thank you. Now my inner mother can rest at night.

37

Same here. I didn’t cry except when the marathon ones became really common from 7th through 10th grade, and not usually then either. I too learned to just zone out. My problem wasn’t that I would cry, but that I would talk. At first I offered serious challenges to his accusations and character attacks, then I just tried to say what he wanted to hear to placate him, then I realized that saying anything at all just added fuel to the fire, so I stopped saying anything. Works till you’re 18; after then, he’ll expect an active dialogue process. YMMV, of course.

And in the meantime, SurrenderDorothy get thee (and him–seperately first!) to a counselor. Involve your mom too, and get her to stand up for you. She likely has more clout than you do, and she definitely has more bargaining power than you do. If mom is on the same page as dad, and/or counseling and candid (calm!) talks don’t work, I suggest that you at the very least consider emancipation and/or having another adult adopt you; a trusted teacher or school counselor should be able to inform you about how that works or point you to someone who can–but make sure that you don’t sign anything or get into any of these processes before you’re fully informed about EVERY minute way it will affect your life.

OB/GYN. The whole thing is an acronym.

I agree with Penchan, and I’ll modify/redirect his/her advice: the worse the authoritarianism got, the more I told my friends and classmates (and the more detailed my “reports” were). When it’s been really bad (it’s almost the worst it’s ever been now–I’m 19 and lack the financial resources to move out, although I’m working on that) all of my friends and acquaintances have known all of the details. They commiserate with me, don’t question me when I say I can’t hang out with them (I really can’t), and they joke with me about it, which helps immensely. Plus, your friends will value you being candid and (if the time you can spend with friends is being limited) will value the time you choose to spend with them even more. It’s a LOT easier to take the verbal abuse now that I have a support network at my school.

Another piece of advice that I wish I would have taken: Go to college or a very well-accredited and acclaimed vocational school after high school so that you can always support yourself in the future and don’t have to lean on the 'rents. Find a way to pay your own way through school: that means a number of things–

  1. Strive to get an A in every class you take. Don’t beat yourself up when you don’t get an A, but aim high and dedicate yourself to your studies. The higher your GPA, the more financial help you’ll get from the state, the federal government, your future college(s) and philanthropists.
  2. Keep working (you mentioned customers), and keep a budget; set a low percentage of your income that you can spend on entertainment and other non-essentials, and stuff the rest in savings. Not only will sustaining yourself through college be easier, but the maturity that budgeting and saving show will be invaluable on your college apps. If you have to take a year off after graduating from high school to work and save up money for college, do it–you’ll gain life experience and maturity, which will help you succeed as a college student, plus the hard work will look great on your apps (they’ll ask you why you waited a year to go to school and what you did during that time–telling them you saved up for college will do wonders).
  3. As you grow older, and especially during college, keep an eye out for the best deals on shared living spaces and the highest-paying jobs with the best (and most flexible) hours. Craigslist will be invaluable for this.

Please do these things and prepare to do everything on your own dollar, because if the 'rents pay your way they’ll use that as justification to keep tabs on you and insist you do things their way throughout college. I really, REALLY wish I had started college off by paying for it myself. Oh yeah, and when you go to college, go as far away as possible (geographically) from your dad. If you go to public school, find a good one that you really like with a low in-state tuition; visit the campus (your gut will tell you if you’ve found your new home or not); and if you move to another state, find out how to establish in-state residency. Usually, living in the state for a year or so before starting at the college will do it. This will also give you time to save up for college and make lots of local friends. Try to live and work as close to the college as possible during that year and surround yourself with people with similar goals who will pressure you to apply for college when the time is right.

Sorry for laying an essay on you. Those are all my opinions/suggestions, YMMV, and don’t think that I know everything. Finally, I’d be happy to discuss my experiences with a similar dad (and in life in general) by email if you’d like.

38

Not died, but it can have long-term consequences. Typically trouble conceiving (when that becomes an issue years down the track) and in some cases osteoporosis at a young age.

I am not a health professional, but I have known a number of women with these problems, generally from being involved in endurance sports (Marathon running for example).

You say that you have lost a “good deal of weight” which, combined with the stress you are under, would certainly explain the amenorrhea. I personally would be concerned though at a weight loss program which led to this result. You said you have cut out all sugar except in fruit - perhaps the diet is a little too strict?

Remember that on that glorious day when you can escape the stressful home situation you want to be healthy enough to enjoy it.

Please take care of yourself. Eat healthily, take regular light exercise (long walks are a good legitimate reason to get out of the house), and remember that it won’t last forever.

In the mean time, I’m going to go home and hug my two young daughters and vow once again never to become one of those fathers.

All the best to you.