So this motherfucking dumbass decides to take a left turn with his head shoved up his sphincter, and broadsides my wife’s car. I’m in the passenger seat, and I’m thinkin’: Six inches further astern, and his radiator grille would be in her lap. My wife is in hysterics, and I’m ripshit. We were moving straight, we had a green light, totally with traffic and fully with the right-of-way. This fucking moron had to cross two lanes of opposing traffic and then swerve into the lane next to us just to get to where he was, and he was still oblivious to the fact that several cars were either in his way or approaching rapidly from his right. No, this dumbfuck decides to take a broad uey and only look to the left, ignoring his right flank, and, amazingly, what was directly in front of his car. Fucking Boston-driving-fuckhead-asshole-MORON!
Like I said, I was so fucking pissed I dould kill. I jump out of the car and just lay into this motherfucker. I am screaming at the top of my lungs, hurling every insult my terrified brain can summon and probably a lot of incoherent foaming at the mouth besides. The guy’s like “I didn’t…you came outta nowheah! You wuh fuckin’ speedin’! You came outta noweah!” I wanted to badly to bury my fist in his fucking dirty face. I have never had such a homicidal urge in my life. Not only did this guy nearly kill my beloved, he’s too much of a fucktard to even recognize it or own up to it.
So the cops some. Officer McFuckstick wants to get the paperwork done and head for Dunkin’ D’s ASAP. He’s like “I needja ta calm down sir,” to me, and to the other guy, he’s like “go back to ya cah, sir and wait for th’ wreckah.” “I’ll sue you you fuckin’ bastid, I sweah t’ gawd, you can’t talk t’ me like dat you piece-ah shit!”
This is after getting back from a honeymoon in New Zealand. Enzed rocks. This fucking dump city shithole full of retarded maniacs with the license to drive could use an A-bomb up the ass. Fuck you, Boston drives. Fuck you Boston in general. Yeah, I said it. FUCK YOU!
Sounds about right. It wasn’t a hole dart, was it? If it wasn’t, same fucking thing happened to me. Turning left into two lanes of opposing traffic, he was. I slam on my breaks, squealing fucking tires, and this asshole stops because that is clearly the way to avoid a collision: block the fucking street. It was even more awesome when the light turned green and people started honking.
This was a beautiful rant. Your hilarious Boston accent was artfully placed and its use forcefully accented the venom that spilled from your fingertips.
One dis: Not long enough. When you work yourself into a frenzy like that, pull out all the stops and just let 'er rip!
I give it a 9.5 for anger, a 9.7 for artistic interpretation, and an 8.9 for duration. Well done, my friend.
Really? You think so? Seems to me about half of it is just childish expressions of an urge to commit violence. Doesn’t do anything for me. Especially this: “Like I said, I was so fucking pissed I dould kill.” Lame.
Best for you not to judge then, JuanitaTech. It was a great rant, complete with the full range of emotion so urgent in the immediate aftermath of the accident. It read like a shakey camera in a chaotic scene. I liked it.
It’s adrenaline-fueled. I’m still scared shitless. It was one of those slo-mo-life-flashing-before-the eyes kind of things. I’m still shaking, I’m not joking. I mean, this maniac just drove right into us. And there was nowhere…we both saw him just barrel right into the front of the car like we didn’t exist, and there was basically nothing she could do but hit the brakes and scream. Eloquence escapes me at this point. I’m a bundle of atavistic rage and fear, and I’m just coming to grips with the fact that I seriously, genuinely, actively wanted to rip the motherfucker’s throat out with my bare hands. This is, like, three days after getting back into the country after visiting a wonderful place where literally everyone I met was nice, helpful, mellow, cheery, conscientious…now I’m back in the ‘States and already I’m hatin’ it. I mean, not three fucking days and I’d be happy to see a mushroom cloud over Boston, so many people here piss me off.
Of course I’m not serious, but shit, a month away in NZ, and I got used to, you know, not watching my fucking back all the time. Motherfucking bastards. I don’t want to look the Globe, watch CNN, read up about the fucking Red Sox, see George FUCKING IDIOT-ASS or DICK THE DICK FUCKING CHENEY leering at me from every cathode ray tube…or this vile, pock-faced homuncular townie FUCK nearly kill my wife and threaten to sue me for our troubles. I mean, WHAT THE FUCK, MAN, WHAT THE FUCK? Sometimes I just HATE this place, you know? Fellow Americans, sometimes I think there’s a better place out there, you with me? Fuck, man, a week ago, I was in heaven compared to today.
Hey! You left out Ted FUCKING WHORESON Kennedy and John THE FUCKING DIPSHIT Kerry. You’re really ruined the whole thing for me now that it’s become political. Not that I was a big fan anyway.
Last August I was driving down Loop 245 at highway speed (the speed limit is 65). Some fellow in a big ol’ honkin’ truck turns across the road and T-bones me. I was driving a 93 Toyota Pickup. My truck flips at least three times as I roll down the road. The Paramedics and police who arrive on scene are shocked that I crawled out of the truck before they got there. More than one said they expected a fatality when they responded and saw the condition of the truck. A few scratches. The other driver says he never saw me and apologized. I believed him and never raised my voice or argued.
I wonder why you went after him instead of staying with and consoling your bride? Perhaps if you had shown some human kindness and not jumped down this throat, he may have apologized instead of fighting back. Just a thought.
Hey, was anybody in the truck with you? If your freshly-married-ready-to-start-a-family wife was next to you and some pig-faced fucking moron menace on wheels nearly offs her (and scares the life out of her, besides), would you then be in such a conciliatory mood?
Besides, I was nice enough. I didn’t pound the fucking bastard with an automobile anti-theft device, which occurred to me.
Something similar (on a much smaller degree) happened to my mom and my grandmother. They were driving along at 15mph, straight, and a guy turns right into them. Their was nothing they could do, he just drove straight into them. He turned left right into their car! Lucky, it was speeds under 20 so there was luckily no damage, but still, assholes are abundent.
Anyways, I feel for you, but I dont think that he was going to steal your car.
Er, nobody was talking about stealing. The aforementioned anti-theft device is commonly known as “The Club”. The name is rather apt: It’s a long, heavy piece of metal, and would probably make a fine bludgeoning tool.
I suspect **ZebraShaSha[b/] just ‘whooshed’ you, loopy.
My husband saw an accident like that way back when. He swears that it looked like the driver that t-boned the other car actually lined them up and floored it to hit them. The driver waited, and waited, then floored it when there was a car right in front of him. That’s a special kind of driving, that is.
(I would tell you that large parts of Canada are very much like how you described New Zealand, but we don’t want it getting around. We like it nice and empty up here.)
I liked that it wasn’t pretentious. It was primitive. No attempts to write sig-line curses. Just raw emotion.