So I get this charming letter from Veterans Affairs, signed by Mr. Nicholson.
It reads something like this:
Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the last month, you may have heard how we fucked up in a major way last month. One of our employees took his laptop home the other night, and damn if somebody didn’t burglarize his home. The stolen data contained your social security number, date of birth, detailed sexual history, account numbers for all of your credit cards, a map to your home, duplicate key to the front door, juicy excerpts from your phone calls now monitored by the NSA for your protection, and our most recent inventory of your household firearms. To protect yourself from serious financial and/or physical harm due to our bumbling incompetance, we strongly suggest you not be a moron when determining how to respond to the numerous phishing scams we have no doubt will soon be coming your way. Oh, and btw, since our data on you got stolen, we’ve asked our good friends at the IRS to foward this very important mailing to you. Sincerely Yours, R. James Nicholson, Chief Damage Control Guy.*
Now, I’ve been out of uniform for about 14 years. Used up the last of my GI Bill back in 1995. Got my full and final discharge from the Individual Ready Reserve (think that’s what they called it–the deal that means your ass still belongs to us for a couple years after you leave the military) around 1994. I have not contacted the VA for any reason since 1995. I’m way too old to be of much use to the military anymore, and I’m not about to cut my hair that short again anyway.
Why in the blue hell is any info regarding me and my military service on a laptop computer in the first damn place?
Since my info was on a laptop for some reason, why in the blue hell did that laptop not include a security device that would sound klaxons and trigger flashing lights in the event someone attempted to remove it from the building? Fucking Wal-Mart does that to Compact Discs, surely the US MIlitary can handle similar technology???
For some reason, my questions do not seem to be included in the handy dandy FAQ they so thoughtfully included in the mailing. The FAQ does, however, assure me that this probably won’t happen again. Ya see, they’re working with the President’s Identity Theft Task Force, the Department of Justice, the Federal Trade Commission, and the Super Friends. That Presidential Identity Theft Task Force sure sounds impressive. Right up there with FEMA. I’m sure that the loyal Republican Pig Farmer they’ve hired to run it is doing a “helluva job”. Maybe they’ll even get Pat Robertson to pray for me. I know I’ll sleep a lot better now.