(this was supposed to go in the pit, but upon re-reading it really didn’t seem to have the wrath I was going for, so I cleaned it up. Wherever mods want it I am fine with.)
Dubuque is not a good place to drive. With the unguarded five and three point stars, one way streets that begin and end for no apparent reason, apparent left-turns that have the right-of way over those going straight, and the majority of drivers being well over retirement age, people apparently don’t have a damn clue who is supposed to go when. The current theory of right of way is whoever has the largest vehicle and can go the fastest gets the right of way, because while all the blue hairs are sitting around wondering who is supposed to go, the asshole in the pickup is already halfway through the intersection. I’m not excusing the behavior—quite the opposite, it pisses me off—I’m just explaining the environment in which these drivers form.
So I’m driving to work this morning. I’m following the speed limit because a school is coming up and there are cars parked on either side of the street which would hide a kid trying to leap into the street. Up ahead at the three way intersection is a red light and two cars in line. I begin to slow up in anticipation of stopping a few car lengths ahead. Little do I know, the most important man in the world (AKA MFing Prick) is lurking in a hidden alleyway ahead. I have included a diagram for your benefit: ** Diagram 1 ** (I have left out the cars parked on the side of the street for my own ease of drawing. Just imagine there is no way for me to see MFing Prick lurking there)
Suddenly, and out of no where, MFing Prick decides “Screw this noise, I’m going!” He darts out in front of me and then stops, his progress impeded by another vehicle coming the opposite way. I slam my brakes and my thermos goes flying off the seat and crashes onto the dash board. I was slowing already, and have excellent brakes, but I still end up about an inch away from his driver side door. **Diagram 2 **. I slam on my horn to let the guy know that hey, he almost got himself killed! And what does that waste of oxygen have the nerve to do? He starts yelling at me, mouth a-frothing, neck veins a-pounding how he’s in a hurry and it’s impossible to pull out there and I’m a fucking bitch who should learn how to drive.
And then, as quickly a he had come into my life, he was gone.
So, here’s to you, you puerile waste of human flesh. Yeah, it’s hard to find a way out of a tiny alley that no one knows is there in the middle of a school zone two cars away from a red light. How god damn hard would it have been to keep on the main streets? Oh, right, I forgot. You’re the most important man in the world. Everyone stops for you and your ugly green SUV. I’m just shocked you weren’t on a cell phone at the time. Do you have any idea how close you came to being seriously injured or killed today? And that it was completely your fault? How dare you yell and scream at me? If I hadn’t been paying attention we would both be in the hospital right now!
The shit of it is, he’s probably in his office right now, yacking on about that bitch woman driver. Fucker.
I assure you: they were hilarious.
