Don’t worry a bit, Fenny m’boy. The great and inscrupulous private eye, SPOOFE Bodoni, is on the case. I’ll sniff out the truth of the matter like a wombat in heat, I’ll question every Tom, Dick, and Harry like a drunken oxen in Toledo, and I’ll drop the hammer on all the no-good punks around here like a spastic gerbil with herpes.
It was a dark night. A rainy night. But I like the dark. I like the rain. I’m bad. All bad. I finished off the decanter of bourbon that I keep in my desk drawer, then I opened my other desk drawer and pulled out my backup bottle of whiskey. Taking one last swig, for good luck, I placed my .38 in my holster and stood up… even though I had three gunshot wounds tracing up my thigh like a bloody game of connect-the-dots. I’m tough. All tough.
Then she came in. The Tuba broad. She appeared in my doorway, silhouetted like the batsignal. Her legs began stepping towards me like stilleto heels from hell. Her mouth formed a wicked smile, her heaving bosoms thrust back and forth as her breathing quickened. Her arm reached out like a ballet dancer and landed on my shoulder like the Apollo spacecraft landing on the Moon. She leaned in close and whispered to me.
“I need your help, SPOOFE Bodoni,” she said, her voice quiet and breathy.
“That’s what I’m here for, baby,” I replied.
“You’re tough, SPOOFE Bodoni,” the broad said. “Kiss me! Kiss me like you’ve never kissed before!”
So I did. I blistered her lips like the scorching of a hot toaster. When I was done, I pulled away from her, creating a loud snap! from the breaking of the vacuum seal our lips made.
“Oh, SPOOFE!” she said.
“I’m falling for you baby,” I said. “Falling hard.”
She turned away from me and took a few steps, looking for all the world like Little Orphan Annie… except older. And more curvy. Like a Venus de Milo… with arms.
“Somebody has murdered my husband, Mu Mu Duhboring,” she whispered, tears coming into her eyes. “It was grisly… there wasn’t even a trace of him left!” She broke down, sobbing. I stepped forward like a fevering lemur inside a giant shoebox. I wrapped my arms around her.
“It’s okay, baby,” I said. “SPOOFE Bodoni is on the case. I’ll find who did this.”
“Oh, SPOOFE!” she exclaimed. “You’re wonderful. All wonderful.” She kissed me again, and then rushed out of my office.
So I set to work like a bouncing warthog on the island of Jamaica. First thing I did was head down to see my informant, Lynn Bodoni. Oh, yeah, she happened to be my sister… but what’re you gonna do? She worked the night-shift in the local bar. I walked in and felt her eyes glaring at me like two Patriot Missiles. I walked up to the counter and slapped my hand down on the table, gesturing for my usual. It slid across to me and came to rest in my palm with pintpoint accuracy.
Lynn approached me. “When’re you going to pay your bar tab, you lazy fuckin’ bastard?” she growled.
I downed the contents of the shotglass. “How high is it now?” I asked.
“High enough to buy two Space Shuttles and a private continent,” she answered.
“That’s fine,” I responded. “I just got a new case. This one’s gonna pay out big. I need information.”
“A new case? Some broad, I bet. You’re lazy, SPOOFE. All lazy. Whattaya need to know?”
“Some guy got whacked the other night. Mu Mu Duhboring. I need to know who took him down.”
My sister thought for a second. “Well, the only guy I know who could do such a job would probably be Big Daddy Zotti, over on the other side of town.”
“Thanks. I’ll go see him.”
So I took a cab over to the other side of town, which resembled a disaster area that had a nuclear bomb dropped on it, except more disorderly. I stopped in front of the warehouse that was owned by Big Daddy Zotti and walked in. His gang of toughs was gathered around a poker table, screaming like horny hyenas surrounding a fresh kill. I slammed the door shut behind me, prompting them all to glance in my direction.
“Can someone else get in on the game?” I asked.
The gang parted to reveal Big Daddy Zotti, a large, powerful man dressed in a very fine Italian suit. He gestured at the table. “Take a seat, SPOOFE Bodoni. Don’t be surprised… I’ve heard of you. You’re tough. All tough.”
“I’ve used that one already.”
“Uh… then… you’re infamous. All infamous.”
I nodded my head and approached the table like a turkey buzzard diving towards a three-day-old horse carcass. I sat down on a chair and bought some chips. We began playing. Big Daddy Zotti dealt the cards. I had three aces. Sensing that I had the upper hand, I decided to start questioning Big Daddy Zotti immediately.
“Let me cut to the chase, Zotti,” I began. “Some shmoe named Mu Mu Duhboring got taken down the other night. I think you did it.”
Zotti just smiled at me, and nodded towards my cards. “What do you have?” he asked.
I placed my cards down. “Three aces.”
He grinned. “Five aces. I win!”
That’s when I realized that it probably wasn’t very smart to have allowed myself to be surrounded by a dozen of Zotti’s stooges. I tensed up, expecting a beating. But then they all backed away, and I heard some familiar footsteps behind me. I whirled around, and saw the Tuba broad. She was coming toward me, her smile curved like a boa constrictor squeezing the life out of a caribou. In her hand was a gun.
“You got too close, SPOOFE Bodoni,” she said. “You’re smart. All smart. But too smart for your own good.”
“Why’d you do it, baby?” I asked. “I could have given you the world. I could have shown you some of the wildest nights you’ve ever had.”
“Oh, please. There’s a reason you’re known on the street as ‘quick-draw.’”
Damn. I was really hoping that nickname would get out. “So what’re you gonna do now, baby?”
“I’m going to kill you, SPOOFE. You now know that I was the one to whack Mu Mu Duhboring!” She cocked the hammer on her pistol and aimed it right at me…
To be continued…
