Is this a whoosh? Because how would else you refer to walking four blocks with a friend in a wheelchair?
If it were after the accident, maybe she was with Christopher Walken.
I’ve recently become more interested in watching/identifying birds. Twice I’ve had people ask if I knew the name of a bird they saw. Both times they said, “It is black, with red on its wings.” Yeah, I know not everyone pays attention to such things, but I found it amusing - both times!
When my kid - now an aero engineer - was very young, he got into an argument with some kids at school. They said there was a bomb that could blow up half the earth - leaving one-half spinning like in a cartoon. My son insisted no such thing existed or could exist. Of course, when the other kids realized it bothered my kid, they kept at it even stronger.
One of the kids lived next door, and we asked the mom if she could ask her kid to cool it, as it was bothering my kid. (Yes, we also told our kid to ignore the idiots.) The mom asked us how we knew for a fact that no such bomb existed, and whether we couldn’t just agree to disagree about it!
Well, as I always heard, you can make something fool proof, but you can’t make it damnfool proof.
Say: ‘OK, I know you think I do x for a living. If anyone should come up to you and tell you that I work on nuclear weapons or “doomsday bombs”, I’ll deny it. As far as you’re concerned, I do x for a living. But I can tell you for a fact that there are no bombs that will blow up have the Earth.’
I confess I do this deliberately at any opportunity with Mrs G when strangers are within earshot, keeps the marriage fresh you know. So y’all may have observed me in the wild…
holding a coconut…“Do you suppose these spots are where they put the udder nipples to fill them?”
“Are these cruelty-free pumpkins?”
“I can’t find the fruit-flavored suppositories…”
Udder nipples? What was wrong with the ones I gave you before?
I once worked for a company that sent an email survey to all employees to gather information on why large numbers of employees didn’t respond to email surveys.
I think I am a better person, friend, and life partner because I do engage in self-reflection…and manage to live in the moment, too. The trick is to examine everything, but to accept what you cannot control. I sit here and say it so blithely, but it’s obviously not that easy. But I swear, I have cultivated it and I practice it every day. Sometimes it doesn’t work, but most of the time it does, and I am a VERY happy person.
The unexamined life is not worth living.
I’ve seen messages like that, and depending on how your local network and e-mail are set up it can make perfect sense. You can have e-mail and file access on a LAN without a functional connection to the Internet,
The problem with people like that is they just don’t seem to make any connections; for example, if I go to WalMart, and WalMart is always busy, and I leave my cart blocking the aisle, I will always be asked to move it, so maybe I shouldn’t leave my cart blocking the aisle in WalMart. It seems like a very small, obvious leap to me, but there are a whole lot of people in the world who cannot figure out things like, “Don’t block the aisles in WalMart.” Those people are very irritating to me, because it seems so obvious to me.
Hired for their looks, not their brains, eh? 
Goodnight, nurse.
One from my mother-in-law, who is a nurse and ordinarily a very smart person, but does have some blind spots and brain farts:
Years ago, the car she owned at the time had a problem: the driver’s-side door handle broke on the inside. She was on the phone with my wife, telling her what an awful pain it was, because she could get IN the car easy enough, but had to exit through the passenger door, crawling across the front seats to do it.
I said, “Why doesn’t she just roll down the window, reach through it, and use the outside handle?”
My wife though about that for a few seconds, then said, “Oh my God, don’t tell her that, she’ll be so embarrassed…”
A bit of a tangent, but the cap/cat cake cracks me up. Years ago, when my eldest was around 2, we were arranging to take a picture of my husband, his father, and his grandfather, all wearing their matching baseball caps. My son heard all this conversation about caps and wanted to get in on it. “I have a cap!” he declared, and scampered off to his room. He came back with his favorite stuffed animal - a little tabby cat. He really didn’t understand what what so funny. The picture is a classic: three generation in matching caps and the fourth with a cat. The cat is not on his head, however.
One of my co-workers was talking about the actors who played the Munchkins in “Oz the Great and Powerful” the other day. She said that a group of Hollywood “midgets” were suing the makers of the movie because “instead of midgets, they used real people and shrunk them down with CGI.”
This reminds me of some of the customers at the local game store. There is a refrigerator of soda that has a glass door. A transparent glass door. And yet, they will open the door and then spend a minute looking inside to decide what they want. They just don’t seem to grasp the concept that they can look through the glass to pick out what they want before opening the door.
We were at a Mexican restaurant getting to know a friend’s new, blonde (though I’m sure that has nothing to do with it ;)) girlfriend. After a few minutes of conversation, she looked at a neon sign over the bar and said “I wonder how you say “tequila” in Spanish?”.
Was once driving my roomate to the airport to drop him off for his flight.
The road forked with two signs ‘Arrivals’/‘Departures’.
I proceed to head into the ‘departures’ area when he objects “Wait! Where are you going! Why didn’t you go into the ‘arrivals’ area?!”
Me: “Why would I want to do that?”
Him looking at me like I’m crazy: “Because we’re arriving?!?!”